Today my friends P and c double-teamed me taking me shopping. Let me tell you one thing, to be double-teamed by two shopping pros like them is about as intense as being a submissive and being double-teamed by two dominants both doing their level best on you.
But I really enjoyed the experience and come out of it a lot of nifty outfits richer, and at very reasonable prices too, since I believe P and c thought some about my economy not being as good as theirs when they picked shops with rather low prices and sales. I was after something rather casual but ended up with a beautiful evening gown in black and red and a rather daringly cut cream mini-dress.
In the end c went back on her refusal to be my personal shopper, so she and P found me a shop with jeans and tops, although perhaps not the casual but proper kind that is really my style. They persuaded me to buy a pair of worn out jeans and a very daring top that I haven't worn or dared wearing for some ten years in real-life.
Both c and P said I looked very hot in the outfit even if it might need some adjustments concerning accessories. I felt more like a milf trying to look ten years younger than my actual age, but I guess and hope it's partly because I'm not used to dressing like that. Anyway, I promised I'd try the outfit for some time to come, so we'll see if I get used to it or not. I probably will wear at least the cream mini-dress some as well, while the beautiful gown will have to wait for more appropriate circumstances.
I also got some freebie outfits in one of the shops we visited, of which I will probably never wear any part of one or two, while the other two may come in handy somehow. Either way, it was a great and intense experience, and I'm very grateful to c and P taking me on and helping me out, even if I guess I was a bit of a pain in the ass to them, both because of being a slow shopper and because of being so hesitant about some of their clothing advice.
After both c and P had left for real-life sleep, I visited my job in Second Life, which had been rebuilt during the weekend. It was far from finished yet, but I still got a hunch about the new design of it. That made me able to help at least one new visitor to find her way around it somehow, including politely dodge her passes at me. I also met the owner Mistress I again there and informed her of a few glitches I found in the reconstruction, which she promptly saw to were fixed.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Subbing and domming
I guess this is another one of those entries you who want to read about the slutty bimbo blonde having sex any which way with anyone should skip. For those of you who have started wondering when I will rename my blog to "suz domme" or "suz switch" it may be of some interest though.
For those of you masochistic enough to follow this blog, it's no secret that over the last couple of weeks I've been acting "dommish" three times with three different "victims". Not exactly what you expect from a sweet little submissive, right? I admit the first time it happened I was quite messed up myself as well and didn't quite understand what had gotten into me. But then it's like eating chips or killing people: after the first one the rest goes on auto-pilot, right? Sorry, not quite right.
In one way, the explanation I've come up with, with some help from a few friends who were kind enough to bash my head with the solid old brick to make my two brain cells collide in a favorable way, was really so simple I had to be very blonde not to see it from the start.
I am submissive, and my submissiveness really has three components. The first is an urge to please, and especially those I like and care about. The second is a desire to give up control, and especially to someone I trust to abuse the trust I have in them in the right way. And the third is my masochism, needing to feel some helplessness, pain and humiliation every once in a while.
Even if I can enjoy quite a lot of discomfort and suffering for my own sake when I'm in the right mood, it's no novelty for me to experience pleasure from the knowledge I please my dominant even if the actions aren't directly pleasurable to me in themselves. The step from pleasing a dominant that way to pleasing a submissive I care about by taking control over them really isn't all that long.
Now, I don't really get any direct pleasure from controlling anyone but knowing it's pleasing someone I care about still makes it worthwhile. The hardest part for me is probably that it makes me excited, frustrated and envious from my imagining and wishing I was the one under that control instead.
Part of the reason I didn't see this simple explanation before is probably I've been stuck in the foolish old notion of trying to fit my "tag" as submissive. A submissive doesn't tie people up and give them a hard time, right? Maybe a submissive doesn't, but if it pleases people I care enough about, then I do, regardless of what it makes others want to call me or not.
I guess the reason why I all by a sudden have become so much "domme" is because I finally saw the writing on the wall. Some things happening around me made me realize I don't need to be a "real" domme and go the full distance, which I could never be comfortable with, but stick within limits I'm able to handle. It's silly really, because I told a dear friend of mine exactly that several months back, but I never saw it applying to myself as well.
I'm also not all indiscriminate about who I would want to please by "domming" them. Despite most of the people on my friends list being people I really like and care about, and who I've met in BDSM-related contexts, there are only 7 out of the 26 that I would be willing to "domme" if I knew they wanted me to.
I've also been thinking some about how far I could go to please someone by "domming" them. So far I've only kept those I "dommed" helpless and teased them with sexual pleasure and some denial, and that hasn't been any real problem for me. But I think my limit is where I would begin to feel some real discomfort or pain myself. I think, and partly know, I would be OK with pinching a nipple hard, giving a few playful swats on an ass-cheek, nipping a cock or clit lightly with my teeth, but hardly much beyond that. And if the one I was playing with showed any signs of real discomfort even before that, I would probably back off real quick.
I've also been pondering some on how I would respond if my owner or someone I saw as pure dom/me would request me to "domme" them. In one way it probably would feel strange, but on the other hand I know that the three best dom/mes I know both real-life and in Second Life at least occasionally switch. That doesn't affect my respect for them or make me see them as any less dominant when they've dominated me, even if I've only been dominated by two of them. Actually, my general impression is that the best dom/mes are the ones who have experience from the other side as well.
I think my main problem with domming my dom/me would be me being so eager to do my very best, despite being so inexperienced, that any slip would make me devastated. Not because I would be afraid of punishment for it but because those I truly submit to are people who I think really deserve the very best and then I don't want to fail them regardless of how I'm requested or given the chance to please them.
So, even if some probably would say I should give up my submissive tag and grab at least the switch tag, in my mind my identity is still as a submissive. But whenever I'm in the mood, and someone I care about in the right way is in need, I won't let that identity stop me from pleasing them in ways we both enjoy, directly or indirectly, just like a good little submissive always should be willing to do.
For those of you masochistic enough to follow this blog, it's no secret that over the last couple of weeks I've been acting "dommish" three times with three different "victims". Not exactly what you expect from a sweet little submissive, right? I admit the first time it happened I was quite messed up myself as well and didn't quite understand what had gotten into me. But then it's like eating chips or killing people: after the first one the rest goes on auto-pilot, right? Sorry, not quite right.
In one way, the explanation I've come up with, with some help from a few friends who were kind enough to bash my head with the solid old brick to make my two brain cells collide in a favorable way, was really so simple I had to be very blonde not to see it from the start.
I am submissive, and my submissiveness really has three components. The first is an urge to please, and especially those I like and care about. The second is a desire to give up control, and especially to someone I trust to abuse the trust I have in them in the right way. And the third is my masochism, needing to feel some helplessness, pain and humiliation every once in a while.
Even if I can enjoy quite a lot of discomfort and suffering for my own sake when I'm in the right mood, it's no novelty for me to experience pleasure from the knowledge I please my dominant even if the actions aren't directly pleasurable to me in themselves. The step from pleasing a dominant that way to pleasing a submissive I care about by taking control over them really isn't all that long.
Now, I don't really get any direct pleasure from controlling anyone but knowing it's pleasing someone I care about still makes it worthwhile. The hardest part for me is probably that it makes me excited, frustrated and envious from my imagining and wishing I was the one under that control instead.
Part of the reason I didn't see this simple explanation before is probably I've been stuck in the foolish old notion of trying to fit my "tag" as submissive. A submissive doesn't tie people up and give them a hard time, right? Maybe a submissive doesn't, but if it pleases people I care enough about, then I do, regardless of what it makes others want to call me or not.
I guess the reason why I all by a sudden have become so much "domme" is because I finally saw the writing on the wall. Some things happening around me made me realize I don't need to be a "real" domme and go the full distance, which I could never be comfortable with, but stick within limits I'm able to handle. It's silly really, because I told a dear friend of mine exactly that several months back, but I never saw it applying to myself as well.
I'm also not all indiscriminate about who I would want to please by "domming" them. Despite most of the people on my friends list being people I really like and care about, and who I've met in BDSM-related contexts, there are only 7 out of the 26 that I would be willing to "domme" if I knew they wanted me to.
I've also been thinking some about how far I could go to please someone by "domming" them. So far I've only kept those I "dommed" helpless and teased them with sexual pleasure and some denial, and that hasn't been any real problem for me. But I think my limit is where I would begin to feel some real discomfort or pain myself. I think, and partly know, I would be OK with pinching a nipple hard, giving a few playful swats on an ass-cheek, nipping a cock or clit lightly with my teeth, but hardly much beyond that. And if the one I was playing with showed any signs of real discomfort even before that, I would probably back off real quick.
I've also been pondering some on how I would respond if my owner or someone I saw as pure dom/me would request me to "domme" them. In one way it probably would feel strange, but on the other hand I know that the three best dom/mes I know both real-life and in Second Life at least occasionally switch. That doesn't affect my respect for them or make me see them as any less dominant when they've dominated me, even if I've only been dominated by two of them. Actually, my general impression is that the best dom/mes are the ones who have experience from the other side as well.
I think my main problem with domming my dom/me would be me being so eager to do my very best, despite being so inexperienced, that any slip would make me devastated. Not because I would be afraid of punishment for it but because those I truly submit to are people who I think really deserve the very best and then I don't want to fail them regardless of how I'm requested or given the chance to please them.
So, even if some probably would say I should give up my submissive tag and grab at least the switch tag, in my mind my identity is still as a submissive. But whenever I'm in the mood, and someone I care about in the right way is in need, I won't let that identity stop me from pleasing them in ways we both enjoy, directly or indirectly, just like a good little submissive always should be willing to do.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Beware of BDSM schools
This morning I entered Second Life late so I didn't have time for more than teleporting around a little. I messaged some with my friends P and c, who were having fun at c's favorite biker hangout, but because I was so short on time I didn't really feel like going there just to have to leave when I had gotten started. Instead I bumped into my friend s tied up tight as usual at Sir R's place, and we had a nice little chat where she suggested some dom she thought I might like. I'll at least keep an eye open, since I think s and I have similar preferences in some respects.
A couple of failures with Masters lately made me start thinking about what they had in common, and one striking thing was that they both attended BDSM schools but at different places. I actually managed to get hold of some kind of curriculums for both those places, and even if they weren't very detailed, they gave me some notion on what they were about.
I've attended a couple of courses for submissives myself, at different slave auction houses I was thinking about letting sell me, but in all honesty those very courses were much of the reason I didn't go through with my plans. Those courses really had nothing to do with BDSM or D/s (dominance and submission) as I know it, but just relayed stereotypical roles for stereotypical role-plays. You know, a "real" dom/me should always be like this, and a "real" sub should always be like that.
Browsing the curriculums of the BDSM schools gave me much the same impression, even if they didn't specify the exact content. Topics like emoting classes, role-playing classes, the submissive mind, the responsibilities of a dominant, introducing the beginner, etiquette for the dominant and etiquette for the submissive at least gives me a hint of that "this is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth".
Looking back at the two products of those two schools, they both had a lot in common. Both managed to present themselves as very pleasant and caring (dominant etiquette?), and both spoke in pretty elaborate ways (role-playing classes?) and made some partly quite good attempts of emoting (emoting classes?). But in both cases, those nice facades just fell apart as soon as scratched even the slightest, revealing your average horny guy just out for some fast virtual sex and probably believing submissives to be easy prey for that.
Oh, admitted, I really fell for both those charades, because I didn't even think about what I saw could be the stereotype result of such schools. However, those schools seem to be better at teaching people to paint a picture than those brief submissive courses I attended at least. But painting that stereotype role-playing facade seem to be all they are good at teaching as well.
I think I would like to give one piece of advice to those thinking about attending such schools. If you don't have the dominance or submissiveness more in your heart than you need to be taught about it, then you should probably start thinking about if that's really what you are meant for. But if you're just out to try yet another kind of role-play, then I'm sure you could find both the teaching and the results from those schools worth-while.
Personally I prefer the kind of "self-study course" my guardian M has set up at his BDSM Institute. It's provocative and doesn't present any simple, ready-made answers to memorize. And if you manage to interpret all of his statements as the gospel concerning BDSM, then you're really even crazier than I am. I know him well and that he and I share many views on BDSM, but not even I can accept all he presents there, which I think is exactly his intention as well.
Anyway, the next time I run into someone telling me he or she is attending BDSM classes or brags about having graduated, I'll probably start looking for the nicest way in the opposite direction.
A couple of failures with Masters lately made me start thinking about what they had in common, and one striking thing was that they both attended BDSM schools but at different places. I actually managed to get hold of some kind of curriculums for both those places, and even if they weren't very detailed, they gave me some notion on what they were about.
I've attended a couple of courses for submissives myself, at different slave auction houses I was thinking about letting sell me, but in all honesty those very courses were much of the reason I didn't go through with my plans. Those courses really had nothing to do with BDSM or D/s (dominance and submission) as I know it, but just relayed stereotypical roles for stereotypical role-plays. You know, a "real" dom/me should always be like this, and a "real" sub should always be like that.
Browsing the curriculums of the BDSM schools gave me much the same impression, even if they didn't specify the exact content. Topics like emoting classes, role-playing classes, the submissive mind, the responsibilities of a dominant, introducing the beginner, etiquette for the dominant and etiquette for the submissive at least gives me a hint of that "this is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth".
Looking back at the two products of those two schools, they both had a lot in common. Both managed to present themselves as very pleasant and caring (dominant etiquette?), and both spoke in pretty elaborate ways (role-playing classes?) and made some partly quite good attempts of emoting (emoting classes?). But in both cases, those nice facades just fell apart as soon as scratched even the slightest, revealing your average horny guy just out for some fast virtual sex and probably believing submissives to be easy prey for that.
Oh, admitted, I really fell for both those charades, because I didn't even think about what I saw could be the stereotype result of such schools. However, those schools seem to be better at teaching people to paint a picture than those brief submissive courses I attended at least. But painting that stereotype role-playing facade seem to be all they are good at teaching as well.
I think I would like to give one piece of advice to those thinking about attending such schools. If you don't have the dominance or submissiveness more in your heart than you need to be taught about it, then you should probably start thinking about if that's really what you are meant for. But if you're just out to try yet another kind of role-play, then I'm sure you could find both the teaching and the results from those schools worth-while.
Personally I prefer the kind of "self-study course" my guardian M has set up at his BDSM Institute. It's provocative and doesn't present any simple, ready-made answers to memorize. And if you manage to interpret all of his statements as the gospel concerning BDSM, then you're really even crazier than I am. I know him well and that he and I share many views on BDSM, but not even I can accept all he presents there, which I think is exactly his intention as well.
Anyway, the next time I run into someone telling me he or she is attending BDSM classes or brags about having graduated, I'll probably start looking for the nicest way in the opposite direction.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Friendship
Twenty-six. Soon three years in Second Life and that's all my friends list sports, and I'm very happy for it. I've met people who have had hundreds of "friends" in their list. Many use it as some kind of address stash where they try to put everyone they meet. I've had countless requests for friendship from people I never even chatted with or who have sent a request after just a "Hi".
However, my friends list is what it really says, a list of friends. I know all the people in it, most of them rather well even, and I've been in contact with all of them but two over the last couple of weeks. Five of them will probably go in the near future though, since they are more of business contacts from my job or "accidents" I felt I couldn't refuse friendship in the moment they asked, but doubt I have enough in common with to keep in touch with.
I'm very hesitant to ask even people I really like to accept my friendship, because it always feels like I'm clinging onto them and I'm afraid they may accept the request just to get rid of it without explanations. Browsing through the list, I remember many of the moments when I either jumped from joy over the friendship request I received or how I was sweating waiting for an accept or deny on the few occasions I've dared ask for friendship myself.
At the very bottom of the list there is a new name. Or it isn't really new but there has been a big, empty, ugly hole in its place for so long. For the last month and a half I've more or less cringed every time I've seen the unfamiliar end of the list with that big hole almost swallowing it. This morning I finally got both the chance and the courage to try and fill it. I didn't dare request friendship but asked if there was any chance of ever filling that hole. The silent moments following that question must have been among the worst I ever experienced. I already started to excuse myself and apologize when suddenly a friendship request popped up. It just made me break down completely in tears from happiness and I don't know how long it took before I could say something coherent again after pushing the accept button.
The irony of it is that I dared ask at all because I told myself I was over things, that it didn't matter all that much to me any longer if I got turned down on just a casual question about friendship. How wrong I was. Someone told me I've been lucky in taking chances lately, and I guess that's so true that if I'd bought any lottery tickets I'd probably be a multi-millionaire by now.
Apart from that, did anything of significance happen this morning? I chatted some with my friend P, who was on the loose from her Sir D and out shopping with Sir N. What else would a girl who has been locked down for weeks do when she's free??? My friend c was missing her Master, who was ill, but distracted herself with partying away with her wild biker bunch. I actually managed to snatch back friendship from Sir R as well, another month and a half old hole in my friends list, just before hugging him so hard he crashed or fled from me. My guardian M also turned up to take care of his slave, as usual just before I was about to leave to prepare for work. I had time to exchange a few words with him before I had to leave though.
Oh, and I was about to tear another head of some seemingly wannabe new "Master" at Sir R's place who started at me with why I wasn't a slave. After yesterday evening and a few other encounters the last week, my tolerance with such jerks is a bit below zero. I know I should control myself at least around Sir R's place though, both because of my respect for Sir R and because of all those poor slaves locked down there without enough attention as it is. I don't know if so many of them would have really missed that particular "Master" though. As it was now he was saved by the bell, or rather by Mistress W unexpectedly showing up so I had an excuse to ignore him for far more interesting and nice company.
Mistress W added a bit to my thoughts about gender distribution by telling me that Linden Labs' own estimate a couple of years back was that 30% of all girls in Second Life are really gurls (guys acting as girls), and I think that may be close to the truth. After my experiences with "Masters" lately, I also have a new understanding for those "bi but don't want to be touched by men" girls that some brand as gurls on sight but that I'm not so sure about any longer.
This evening I met my friends P, c and m at Sir R's place plus a few other acquaintances. My friend p was there as well, floating around as a very cute and bound mermaid in a huge clamshell down by the beach, but unfortunately she was AFK. c was quite upset and sad because she had put a lot of efforts into a party for a friend of hers who was getting married and then the bride didn't even show up for the party. m complained about me being overdressed and suddenly P started a strip contest, which she and I were the only ones joining though.
Later I met my friend d at my job, and we were fooling around some there since there weren't many visitors anyway. It ended with me having her locked in a bifurcator stock and playing with and teasing her with pure pleasure on the edge of orgasm for an hour and a half before I finally let her cum. I guess that was mainly sweet payback with some interest and bonuses for the last time she had me in her clutches, but she seemed very happy with it afterwards so I was happy as well.
However, my friends list is what it really says, a list of friends. I know all the people in it, most of them rather well even, and I've been in contact with all of them but two over the last couple of weeks. Five of them will probably go in the near future though, since they are more of business contacts from my job or "accidents" I felt I couldn't refuse friendship in the moment they asked, but doubt I have enough in common with to keep in touch with.
I'm very hesitant to ask even people I really like to accept my friendship, because it always feels like I'm clinging onto them and I'm afraid they may accept the request just to get rid of it without explanations. Browsing through the list, I remember many of the moments when I either jumped from joy over the friendship request I received or how I was sweating waiting for an accept or deny on the few occasions I've dared ask for friendship myself.
At the very bottom of the list there is a new name. Or it isn't really new but there has been a big, empty, ugly hole in its place for so long. For the last month and a half I've more or less cringed every time I've seen the unfamiliar end of the list with that big hole almost swallowing it. This morning I finally got both the chance and the courage to try and fill it. I didn't dare request friendship but asked if there was any chance of ever filling that hole. The silent moments following that question must have been among the worst I ever experienced. I already started to excuse myself and apologize when suddenly a friendship request popped up. It just made me break down completely in tears from happiness and I don't know how long it took before I could say something coherent again after pushing the accept button.
The irony of it is that I dared ask at all because I told myself I was over things, that it didn't matter all that much to me any longer if I got turned down on just a casual question about friendship. How wrong I was. Someone told me I've been lucky in taking chances lately, and I guess that's so true that if I'd bought any lottery tickets I'd probably be a multi-millionaire by now.
Apart from that, did anything of significance happen this morning? I chatted some with my friend P, who was on the loose from her Sir D and out shopping with Sir N. What else would a girl who has been locked down for weeks do when she's free??? My friend c was missing her Master, who was ill, but distracted herself with partying away with her wild biker bunch. I actually managed to snatch back friendship from Sir R as well, another month and a half old hole in my friends list, just before hugging him so hard he crashed or fled from me. My guardian M also turned up to take care of his slave, as usual just before I was about to leave to prepare for work. I had time to exchange a few words with him before I had to leave though.
Oh, and I was about to tear another head of some seemingly wannabe new "Master" at Sir R's place who started at me with why I wasn't a slave. After yesterday evening and a few other encounters the last week, my tolerance with such jerks is a bit below zero. I know I should control myself at least around Sir R's place though, both because of my respect for Sir R and because of all those poor slaves locked down there without enough attention as it is. I don't know if so many of them would have really missed that particular "Master" though. As it was now he was saved by the bell, or rather by Mistress W unexpectedly showing up so I had an excuse to ignore him for far more interesting and nice company.
Mistress W added a bit to my thoughts about gender distribution by telling me that Linden Labs' own estimate a couple of years back was that 30% of all girls in Second Life are really gurls (guys acting as girls), and I think that may be close to the truth. After my experiences with "Masters" lately, I also have a new understanding for those "bi but don't want to be touched by men" girls that some brand as gurls on sight but that I'm not so sure about any longer.
This evening I met my friends P, c and m at Sir R's place plus a few other acquaintances. My friend p was there as well, floating around as a very cute and bound mermaid in a huge clamshell down by the beach, but unfortunately she was AFK. c was quite upset and sad because she had put a lot of efforts into a party for a friend of hers who was getting married and then the bride didn't even show up for the party. m complained about me being overdressed and suddenly P started a strip contest, which she and I were the only ones joining though.
Later I met my friend d at my job, and we were fooling around some there since there weren't many visitors anyway. It ended with me having her locked in a bifurcator stock and playing with and teasing her with pure pleasure on the edge of orgasm for an hour and a half before I finally let her cum. I guess that was mainly sweet payback with some interest and bonuses for the last time she had me in her clutches, but she seemed very happy with it afterwards so I was happy as well.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Rendezvous
This morning I met Sir M again for the first time since I "broke him in". I have been wanting to for a long time, but we have managed to pass each other by being AFK or busy. He had developed some since I first met him, obviously reading up on what is expected from a Master and taking on some own slaves. It was cute the way he almost apologized for the latter, but I would have been really surprised if a Master with his qualities had managed to stay solo over the time since I met him.
Even if I think Sir M would be better off if he followed his own mind instead of trying to fill some template for how a Master should be, he still had much of the lovely qualities I appreciated in him already the first time I met him. I really wanted to talk to him about his ways as a Master, but I think he's already too much of a Master to take lectures from a silly submissive with strange ideas, plus time didn't really permit it anyway.
Of course I managed to mess up a bit with Sir M during a light play session we had, and unfortunately we didn't have it all sorted out before I needed to leave, but I think that mess taught us both a bit more about each other and our expectations. Anyway, I really love the way he manages to combine that slightly tense feeling I usually get with strict Masters with the more relaxed feeling I usually only get with other girls. I will try not to build too high expectations before we have sorted everything out, but I really hope I will see more of him.
Before I met Sir M I also found some time to message some with my friend c. I was very happy to hear that she seemed better now than when I talked to her last. Hopefully she will get even better from her illness soon since I really felt so sorry for her when she was so ill and depressed as she was then. While I was with Sir M, my friend p also messaged me and I had a bit of a guilty conscience for cutting her short, but hopefully I can make it up to her.
The problems with meeting Sir M have made me realize my ease of connecting with people really becomes a problem when I work in a public place the way I do now. I meet so many new and nice people but then I get stressed and a guilty conscience by not finding time to maintain the connections I make at the level I think they deserve. Also, since my dearest friends are still mainly those I met at or around Sir R's place, I want to give them priority both for my own sake and for theirs. I guess I must learn to be more restrictive in making new friends and say no to befriending at least some even of those I like.
In the evening I chatted some with my friends P, c and p, plus had an overdose of wannabe jerk masters. The creep formerly known as Sir M is now off my friends list and muted, and there's another one standing in line waiting to cough in the wrong tone to get the same treatment. Jeeez, I sometimes am so blonde that platinum seems brunette when it comes to believing in people! I will hand back my keys and ownerships of restraints to my guardian M where I should have left them all to start with so I stop risking doing stupid things with stupid people.
Even if I think Sir M would be better off if he followed his own mind instead of trying to fill some template for how a Master should be, he still had much of the lovely qualities I appreciated in him already the first time I met him. I really wanted to talk to him about his ways as a Master, but I think he's already too much of a Master to take lectures from a silly submissive with strange ideas, plus time didn't really permit it anyway.
Of course I managed to mess up a bit with Sir M during a light play session we had, and unfortunately we didn't have it all sorted out before I needed to leave, but I think that mess taught us both a bit more about each other and our expectations. Anyway, I really love the way he manages to combine that slightly tense feeling I usually get with strict Masters with the more relaxed feeling I usually only get with other girls. I will try not to build too high expectations before we have sorted everything out, but I really hope I will see more of him.
Before I met Sir M I also found some time to message some with my friend c. I was very happy to hear that she seemed better now than when I talked to her last. Hopefully she will get even better from her illness soon since I really felt so sorry for her when she was so ill and depressed as she was then. While I was with Sir M, my friend p also messaged me and I had a bit of a guilty conscience for cutting her short, but hopefully I can make it up to her.
The problems with meeting Sir M have made me realize my ease of connecting with people really becomes a problem when I work in a public place the way I do now. I meet so many new and nice people but then I get stressed and a guilty conscience by not finding time to maintain the connections I make at the level I think they deserve. Also, since my dearest friends are still mainly those I met at or around Sir R's place, I want to give them priority both for my own sake and for theirs. I guess I must learn to be more restrictive in making new friends and say no to befriending at least some even of those I like.
In the evening I chatted some with my friends P, c and p, plus had an overdose of wannabe jerk masters. The creep formerly known as Sir M is now off my friends list and muted, and there's another one standing in line waiting to cough in the wrong tone to get the same treatment. Jeeez, I sometimes am so blonde that platinum seems brunette when it comes to believing in people! I will hand back my keys and ownerships of restraints to my guardian M where I should have left them all to start with so I stop risking doing stupid things with stupid people.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Gender
This morning I spent an hour almost entirely alone at my Second Life job before I gave up and went partying with my friend c and her wild biker bunch. It was fun and just enough people for me not to be neither bored nor panic from the crowd. This evening I really had too much real-life stuff to handle to find time to visit Second Life more than shortly. I met my friend s and did a little number on her, and chatted some with my friend p and Sir M, but that was about it. Ah well, I guess a lot of people got a well-deserved rest from me.
I know I've said that peoples' real-life gender doesn't mean that much to me when I meet them in Second Life, but I haven't really been able to get the thoughts about it out of my head lately. There are people who have stated to me they are really the opposite sex to their avatars or that they have alts including both male and female avatars. All of those so far say that they are males in real life. I have also met many especially lesbian or bisexual females in Second Life that I'm almost certain of are male in real-life.
When I've asked a few of those who have stated that they are males in real life why they have female avatars in Second Life they've said it's either because it's fun trying something different or because there are so much more accessories to female avatars that it's too dull being male. However, when I've asked some real-life male friends why they think males play females in Second Life, they both believed it was because some men found it appealing to be in total control of even a virtual woman and in a sexual context to be kind of your own porn flick director.
To me all those explanations seem plausible and not exclusive of one another.
I don't know how common it is with males acting as females in Second Life but if I look among the "female" friends I have, there are rather few of them that behaves in ways that make me suspect they might be males real-life. But then again, there are many potential acquaintances I've discarded because they've seemed very "flat", and among them I guess there may be a much higher frequency of males just using a female avatar for visual or purely sexual purposes.
In the BDSM playgrounds I've visited there have been an excess of submissive female avatars. Several people I know in Second Life have stated the same figures of about 20-25 submissives for every good dom/me, and then few of those submissives are males but many of those dominants are females as well. My impression is that the ratio is not quite as high but at least 4-5 submissives for every dominant I consider worth having.
For some reason my own conclusion has been and my gut feeling still is that a lot of those submissive females and quite a few of the dominant ones as well must be males acting as females, just from the numbers of them. But then again, there are also a lot of hard facts indicating that really doesn't have to be the case.
First of all, I'm a female submissive myself, and even if I must admit I probably wouldn't have been in Second Life without a guardian who patiently helped me get over all those tech thresholds that would have deterred me otherwise, I'm here and one of that excess of submissive females.
From myself and my real-life female friends I assume the high tech level in Second Life is deterring to females, but many of the females I meet in Second Life state to be a lot younger than I am, and I know from friends with teenage daughters they often don't seem to have any problems with the tech in video games and on the Internet but quite contrary often help both their mothers and fathers with technical issues regarding computers, cell phones and digital cameras.
There are also a lot of studies claiming that females now are far more active than males when it comes to social media like FaceBook, blogs and chats on the Internet, while males are more active when it comes to pure gaming. I know there are pure gaming and combat sims in Second Life but I never been to those so I don't know the gender ratios there. In the BDSM sims I visit there is also much social interaction going on, so I guess that would fit with the studies showing females are more active in that context.
Even if I guess I've been a bit selective when it comes to making friends on the Internet, since I haven't done it for sexual purposes before starting to play with BDSM in Second Life, it's true that most of my friends and the most active ones on FaceBook, MySpace, MSN, my "real-life" blog and Twitter are females, at least as far as I know them, but I find it hard to believe many males swap gender there just to chit-chat with females.
Some years ago I was also a member of a local BDSM community, and despite the large majority (80-85%) of the members there being male, it was more common than not that there was a majority of females on the community website chat, and also that there was a close to 50-50 gender ratio on the real-life arrangements like munches, workshops and non-play parties. Since I met most of the active girls on the chat real-life as well, I know they were really girls.
So I guess I really should try to drop that gut feeling about very many of the "girls" in Second Life being "gurls" (guys acting as girls), because even if I know some actual cases and have reason to suspect a number of more, there really is no hard evidence supporting it being a massive phenomenon.
Even if "gurls" was a common phenomenon, it wouldn't have to be a bad thing. I discussed it with a friend of mine in Second Life the other day, and even if we both don't mind playing with other girls there, she claims to be mainly heterosexual in real-life, and I think I'm even more so than she is. So if some of the "girls" we played with turned out to be real-life guys, it would almost be a relief to at least my sexual preferences that are a bit messed up in Second Life, and she stated something similar. She is also someone I would be truly shocked by if she turned out to be a "gurl", because even if we never "gender-verified", I find it very hard to believe she's managed to deceive me considering how well I believe we know each other.
When it comes to myself, I guess I shouldn't be surprised if some people believe I'm a "gurl". I'm paranoid enough about being identified not to be willing to give out photos, go on cam or even use voice, which according to many is a sure sign of me being a "gurl". Some of my real-life personality, where I'm a skilled professional in a leading position, probably spills over into Second Life sometimes and may not be considered all that girlish by everyone, especially not from a submissive girl.
Since English isn't my first language, that also makes me feel uncomfortable about using voice. I'm no way near as good at speaking English as some seem to think I am writing it, when I have the time to think, phrase and correct myself while typing. I'm also a bit concerned about voice from my partner disturbing my immersion, if the voice is all wrong with the appearance or if I hear someone panting and jacking off while I want to believe the person is all cool and in full control.
English not being my first language also handicaps me some when typing, since I don't know all the fine "girlish" nuances of it I probably should use. Many of the expressions used among girls nowadays, like "girlfriend", "luv", "hun", "sweetie" and a few others, didn't even exist or had a quite different meaning when I was taught The Queen's English in school some 20 years ago. But then again, of course all this may be just excuses from some rough Midwest truck driver who knows he can't act girlish enough to fool everyone...
I guess I better step off my soapbox now so people can melt the shock of me being somewhat serious in my blog for once. I'll finish of with a few thoughts expressed in words.
my body, Your canvas
my soul, Your light
me, Your art
Your ropes, Your chisel
Your whip, Your brush
Your will, Your sketch
You!
I know I've said that peoples' real-life gender doesn't mean that much to me when I meet them in Second Life, but I haven't really been able to get the thoughts about it out of my head lately. There are people who have stated to me they are really the opposite sex to their avatars or that they have alts including both male and female avatars. All of those so far say that they are males in real life. I have also met many especially lesbian or bisexual females in Second Life that I'm almost certain of are male in real-life.
When I've asked a few of those who have stated that they are males in real life why they have female avatars in Second Life they've said it's either because it's fun trying something different or because there are so much more accessories to female avatars that it's too dull being male. However, when I've asked some real-life male friends why they think males play females in Second Life, they both believed it was because some men found it appealing to be in total control of even a virtual woman and in a sexual context to be kind of your own porn flick director.
To me all those explanations seem plausible and not exclusive of one another.
I don't know how common it is with males acting as females in Second Life but if I look among the "female" friends I have, there are rather few of them that behaves in ways that make me suspect they might be males real-life. But then again, there are many potential acquaintances I've discarded because they've seemed very "flat", and among them I guess there may be a much higher frequency of males just using a female avatar for visual or purely sexual purposes.
In the BDSM playgrounds I've visited there have been an excess of submissive female avatars. Several people I know in Second Life have stated the same figures of about 20-25 submissives for every good dom/me, and then few of those submissives are males but many of those dominants are females as well. My impression is that the ratio is not quite as high but at least 4-5 submissives for every dominant I consider worth having.
For some reason my own conclusion has been and my gut feeling still is that a lot of those submissive females and quite a few of the dominant ones as well must be males acting as females, just from the numbers of them. But then again, there are also a lot of hard facts indicating that really doesn't have to be the case.
First of all, I'm a female submissive myself, and even if I must admit I probably wouldn't have been in Second Life without a guardian who patiently helped me get over all those tech thresholds that would have deterred me otherwise, I'm here and one of that excess of submissive females.
From myself and my real-life female friends I assume the high tech level in Second Life is deterring to females, but many of the females I meet in Second Life state to be a lot younger than I am, and I know from friends with teenage daughters they often don't seem to have any problems with the tech in video games and on the Internet but quite contrary often help both their mothers and fathers with technical issues regarding computers, cell phones and digital cameras.
There are also a lot of studies claiming that females now are far more active than males when it comes to social media like FaceBook, blogs and chats on the Internet, while males are more active when it comes to pure gaming. I know there are pure gaming and combat sims in Second Life but I never been to those so I don't know the gender ratios there. In the BDSM sims I visit there is also much social interaction going on, so I guess that would fit with the studies showing females are more active in that context.
Even if I guess I've been a bit selective when it comes to making friends on the Internet, since I haven't done it for sexual purposes before starting to play with BDSM in Second Life, it's true that most of my friends and the most active ones on FaceBook, MySpace, MSN, my "real-life" blog and Twitter are females, at least as far as I know them, but I find it hard to believe many males swap gender there just to chit-chat with females.
Some years ago I was also a member of a local BDSM community, and despite the large majority (80-85%) of the members there being male, it was more common than not that there was a majority of females on the community website chat, and also that there was a close to 50-50 gender ratio on the real-life arrangements like munches, workshops and non-play parties. Since I met most of the active girls on the chat real-life as well, I know they were really girls.
So I guess I really should try to drop that gut feeling about very many of the "girls" in Second Life being "gurls" (guys acting as girls), because even if I know some actual cases and have reason to suspect a number of more, there really is no hard evidence supporting it being a massive phenomenon.
Even if "gurls" was a common phenomenon, it wouldn't have to be a bad thing. I discussed it with a friend of mine in Second Life the other day, and even if we both don't mind playing with other girls there, she claims to be mainly heterosexual in real-life, and I think I'm even more so than she is. So if some of the "girls" we played with turned out to be real-life guys, it would almost be a relief to at least my sexual preferences that are a bit messed up in Second Life, and she stated something similar. She is also someone I would be truly shocked by if she turned out to be a "gurl", because even if we never "gender-verified", I find it very hard to believe she's managed to deceive me considering how well I believe we know each other.
When it comes to myself, I guess I shouldn't be surprised if some people believe I'm a "gurl". I'm paranoid enough about being identified not to be willing to give out photos, go on cam or even use voice, which according to many is a sure sign of me being a "gurl". Some of my real-life personality, where I'm a skilled professional in a leading position, probably spills over into Second Life sometimes and may not be considered all that girlish by everyone, especially not from a submissive girl.
Since English isn't my first language, that also makes me feel uncomfortable about using voice. I'm no way near as good at speaking English as some seem to think I am writing it, when I have the time to think, phrase and correct myself while typing. I'm also a bit concerned about voice from my partner disturbing my immersion, if the voice is all wrong with the appearance or if I hear someone panting and jacking off while I want to believe the person is all cool and in full control.
English not being my first language also handicaps me some when typing, since I don't know all the fine "girlish" nuances of it I probably should use. Many of the expressions used among girls nowadays, like "girlfriend", "luv", "hun", "sweetie" and a few others, didn't even exist or had a quite different meaning when I was taught The Queen's English in school some 20 years ago. But then again, of course all this may be just excuses from some rough Midwest truck driver who knows he can't act girlish enough to fool everyone...
I guess I better step off my soapbox now so people can melt the shock of me being somewhat serious in my blog for once. I'll finish of with a few thoughts expressed in words.
my body, Your canvas
my soul, Your light
me, Your art
Your ropes, Your chisel
Your whip, Your brush
Your will, Your sketch
You!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday and Monday
Sunday afternoon I was invited to Mistress C's castle and it was very nice to see her again. I also met her pet n, a very sweet and fun kitten girl with whom I connected well. We chatted some, and then Mistress C wanted some snapshots of herself and n, n and me, and finally herself and me. I think she really starts to see me as a potential family member, but even if I really like her and n, I'm still not sure if it's right for me when I feel I'm ready to commit again. I guess time will tell.
Mistress C and her pet n at their castle
When I later went to Sir R's playground, I found Sir R himself there. I decided to take the chance to ask him back on my friends list, where I lost him in the turmoil when Mistress W and I broke up. He accepted, but disappeared teleporting away, logging out or crashing before I managed to finish the befriending. But at least I know he's willing now, so hopefully I can catch him later to finish it.
n and me at Mistress C's castle
I also met Miss s "on duty" at Sir R's place, welcoming and helping visitors. I decided to kneel by her side, in one of my more provocative outfits including cuffs, gag and obedience belt, to make her look good with a pet by her side. Despite she's probably no more domme than I am, and tries to play with me solely to please me, I think I triggered something in her, because she wanted me on a leash and crawling after her like a dog. I complied willingly, and later she took me to another rather crowded playground for some public exposure and play. There we also met Miss m from my job by pure coincident I think. The lag was so bad though that she was gone before I managed to say hi to her, and soon Miss s had to leave for real-life as well, so I decided to go to bed.
Mistress C and me at her castle
Monday morning I spent some time at Sir R's place again, even if it was almost empty there. I messaged some with my friend c, who was really in a bad mood because of illness, and my attempts to cheer her up didn't help much I'm afraid. I spent the rest of the morning at my job and invited my friend k there, since she was as lonely and bored as I was without her Sir K. We looked around at some of the dungeons and play areas at my job, where she managed to get caught by her RLV relay, before she needed to leave for real life.
I stayed a while longer at my job and got the chance to help a couple of visitors out in explaining how RLV, relays and the play areas worked. I actually think my own lack of technical knowledge helps some in those situations, since I can't explain things any more complicated than what I can grasp myself. That seems to be appreciated by at least some visitors. Just before I decided to call it a morning and prepare for real-life work, I saw my guardian M come online, and I got the chance to say good morning to him before I left.
Monday evening I spent most of the time with my friend P talking about this and that. Firs we tried to help a common friend who had gotten herself locked up, but without much success. Our common friend s showed up as well but we parted when P needed to leave for sleep. Afterwards I messaged some with my friends d and p while I sat alone at Sir R's place. I also chatted some with a new slave who showed up there and ran into the girl P and I tried to help before. In the end I managed to show her how she could reset her cuffs to make them unlock, since she didn't seem to mind cheating like that.
Mistress C and her pet n at their castle
When I later went to Sir R's playground, I found Sir R himself there. I decided to take the chance to ask him back on my friends list, where I lost him in the turmoil when Mistress W and I broke up. He accepted, but disappeared teleporting away, logging out or crashing before I managed to finish the befriending. But at least I know he's willing now, so hopefully I can catch him later to finish it.
n and me at Mistress C's castle
I also met Miss s "on duty" at Sir R's place, welcoming and helping visitors. I decided to kneel by her side, in one of my more provocative outfits including cuffs, gag and obedience belt, to make her look good with a pet by her side. Despite she's probably no more domme than I am, and tries to play with me solely to please me, I think I triggered something in her, because she wanted me on a leash and crawling after her like a dog. I complied willingly, and later she took me to another rather crowded playground for some public exposure and play. There we also met Miss m from my job by pure coincident I think. The lag was so bad though that she was gone before I managed to say hi to her, and soon Miss s had to leave for real-life as well, so I decided to go to bed.
Mistress C and me at her castle
Monday morning I spent some time at Sir R's place again, even if it was almost empty there. I messaged some with my friend c, who was really in a bad mood because of illness, and my attempts to cheer her up didn't help much I'm afraid. I spent the rest of the morning at my job and invited my friend k there, since she was as lonely and bored as I was without her Sir K. We looked around at some of the dungeons and play areas at my job, where she managed to get caught by her RLV relay, before she needed to leave for real life.
I stayed a while longer at my job and got the chance to help a couple of visitors out in explaining how RLV, relays and the play areas worked. I actually think my own lack of technical knowledge helps some in those situations, since I can't explain things any more complicated than what I can grasp myself. That seems to be appreciated by at least some visitors. Just before I decided to call it a morning and prepare for real-life work, I saw my guardian M come online, and I got the chance to say good morning to him before I left.
Monday evening I spent most of the time with my friend P talking about this and that. Firs we tried to help a common friend who had gotten herself locked up, but without much success. Our common friend s showed up as well but we parted when P needed to leave for sleep. Afterwards I messaged some with my friends d and p while I sat alone at Sir R's place. I also chatted some with a new slave who showed up there and ran into the girl P and I tried to help before. In the end I managed to show her how she could reset her cuffs to make them unlock, since she didn't seem to mind cheating like that.
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