Monday, April 19, 2010
Out
I was made to believe I belonged. I fell for it and tried to fit in. Now I understand it was all a game. A toy to be played. A tool to be used. I like to make people happy. I hope they were at least happy while laughing at me. End of story. End of blog.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Role-playing
I use to say that I don't role-play in Second Life because I immerse in a way that makes much of what I experience as real to me as if it happened in real-life and my responses and reactions are the same as they would be in real-life. I guess it's not really true though because there are some differences between Second Life and real-life. There are things I permit myself in Second Life that my self-preservation instinct wouldn't in real-life and responses in Second Life I'm not sure would be the same in real-life.
My impression is that many in Second Life immerse at least to some extent and that many add an element of conscious role-play to enhance their experiences. Even if I may not always feel comfortable with how they role-play it's really none of my business how they go about it as long as it doesn't affect me negatively in ways I can't escape.
Theoretically I always have the option to escape things by logging off and/or re-logging with my Linden Labs standard viewer to undo or escape things I can't using my Restrained Life viewer. But in practice that option isn't open to me because it simply doesn't exist in my world. I've been forced to do it once and it was probably my worst experience so far in Second Life. I felt humiliated like a cheat and was both devastated and furious about the situation.
I guess most of the people I meet including those I love or care about role-play to at least some extent. As long as they don't do it so badly or exaggerate it so much it's not believable any longer I really don't care or try to analyze what is "real" and what is "faked". It may be that some of my girlfriends are really "gurls" (guys playing girls) but that doesn't matter much to me as long as their personalities are genuine enough for me and still as pleasant as what made me accept them as friends in the first place.
I may sometimes also enjoy people role-playing badly or exaggerated to a certain extent because of the intentional or accidental humor they provide. But in general I prefer the people that I feel are genuine whether that feeling is right or wrong. Most of the rest are simply uninteresting to me. I respect their way of role-playing though as long as they respect that I may not want to be involved in it.
My impression is that many in Second Life immerse at least to some extent and that many add an element of conscious role-play to enhance their experiences. Even if I may not always feel comfortable with how they role-play it's really none of my business how they go about it as long as it doesn't affect me negatively in ways I can't escape.
Theoretically I always have the option to escape things by logging off and/or re-logging with my Linden Labs standard viewer to undo or escape things I can't using my Restrained Life viewer. But in practice that option isn't open to me because it simply doesn't exist in my world. I've been forced to do it once and it was probably my worst experience so far in Second Life. I felt humiliated like a cheat and was both devastated and furious about the situation.
I guess most of the people I meet including those I love or care about role-play to at least some extent. As long as they don't do it so badly or exaggerate it so much it's not believable any longer I really don't care or try to analyze what is "real" and what is "faked". It may be that some of my girlfriends are really "gurls" (guys playing girls) but that doesn't matter much to me as long as their personalities are genuine enough for me and still as pleasant as what made me accept them as friends in the first place.
I may sometimes also enjoy people role-playing badly or exaggerated to a certain extent because of the intentional or accidental humor they provide. But in general I prefer the people that I feel are genuine whether that feeling is right or wrong. Most of the rest are simply uninteresting to me. I respect their way of role-playing though as long as they respect that I may not want to be involved in it.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Respect
People put different meanings into the simple word "respect". To me respect usually means to treat someone the way they deserve. Depending on situation I may show my respect to people in many different ways. I usually at least try to be civil with people as long as they have not shown they don't want or deserve that. With dominants I often also kneel before them and try to address them properly since many dominants expect it and I see no real reason to deny them that.
But that initial show of respect is really an invitation to the dominant to prove they also deserve my genuine respect. It doesn't take more than the dominant treating me in a civil way at least to start with. But many calling themselves dominants expect anyone calling themselves submissives to submit to and accept any kind of verbal or other abuse from them immediately. Even if I know there are submissives who like it like that those dominants are the ones that lose my respect because I don't feel they deserve it.
Even if I may continue to follow proper form being civil, kneeling and addressing them properly it just turns into a mechanical charade to me. If they are persistent I usually end up with simply ignoring them until they tire because they don't add anything to my experience.
It's actually only a small fraction of the dominants I meet that gets the cold shoulder from me like that. Most are pleasant and respect the fact that I'm owned and when I tell them I'm not up for play. Many of those who initially don't do it after I have politely explained it to them and some even apologize for the way they've behaved usually out of ignorance or lack of experience. That earns them respect as persons in my eyes not because they apologize but because they are grand enough to recognize they're not flawless despite calling themselves dominants.
In more than one case I've actually had long and pleasant chats even with dominants that started out the wrong way with me. Even if I perhaps shouldn't lecture them I think they may benefit from my hints by more easily earning the respect and trust from other submissives with preferences similar to mine in the future.
But that initial show of respect is really an invitation to the dominant to prove they also deserve my genuine respect. It doesn't take more than the dominant treating me in a civil way at least to start with. But many calling themselves dominants expect anyone calling themselves submissives to submit to and accept any kind of verbal or other abuse from them immediately. Even if I know there are submissives who like it like that those dominants are the ones that lose my respect because I don't feel they deserve it.
Even if I may continue to follow proper form being civil, kneeling and addressing them properly it just turns into a mechanical charade to me. If they are persistent I usually end up with simply ignoring them until they tire because they don't add anything to my experience.
It's actually only a small fraction of the dominants I meet that gets the cold shoulder from me like that. Most are pleasant and respect the fact that I'm owned and when I tell them I'm not up for play. Many of those who initially don't do it after I have politely explained it to them and some even apologize for the way they've behaved usually out of ignorance or lack of experience. That earns them respect as persons in my eyes not because they apologize but because they are grand enough to recognize they're not flawless despite calling themselves dominants.
In more than one case I've actually had long and pleasant chats even with dominants that started out the wrong way with me. Even if I perhaps shouldn't lecture them I think they may benefit from my hints by more easily earning the respect and trust from other submissives with preferences similar to mine in the future.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Birthday spankings
Miss T had her real-life birthday not long ago but for practical reasons it wasn't celebrated in Second Life until today. The celebration was the "traditional" for a submissive/slave with a sound birthday spanking for the birthday girl. It was actually the second birthday spanking this month since my friend P had her a while back as well but the settings were quite different. P received hers as an open hand spanking over the knee in a private place by friends who I think put more love than force into their strokes. I even managed to deliver my share of it without feeling too bad about bit. Miss T was put on public display at Sir R's place and got spanked by heavy paddles and whips by anyone passing by even if most of them were acquaintances of hers anyway. Even if I know she liked it that way I couldn't help but feeling sorry for her predicament.
I've never had a "real" birthday spanking save for a couple of private ones in real-life delivered with much care by the Masters I submitted to at those times. Even if I can enjoy quite a bit of pain when I'm hot the idea of birthday spankings from a lot of persons never appealed to me because to me a birthday is more for quite a different kind of celebrations with friends or topped off by a loving and private session with my partner. But if I had to chose between one like P had and one like Miss T had I'd definitely go for the former. If I'm really really hot I might desire it more like Miss T had it but that state of mind doesn't fit in a birthday for me.
The rest of the day was a really good one for me. I had a chance to see Master D again for the first time in ages even if our meeting was cut short before it really started by real-life interference on my end. Like so often I ended up in the same cage as P and a had a nice time with her and another slave even if it was disturbed a bit by a rather humorous session with Sir D. Later p showed up there as well. P really needs a bigger cage since it tends to become quite crowded with friends gate-crashing into it. But if nothing else it keeps her multitasking darling Sir D happy to have a lot of girls at his feet even if many of them really are more at the submissive P's feet than at his. I also had a brief run-in with what I believe may become a pleasant acquaintance or even friend before it was time for some real-life sleep.
After my real-life sleep I bumped into Sir K and k despite actually trying not to disturb them. But I don't regret it since it ended in a lovely session where Sir K used me as a kind of tool to almost drive poor k crazy. I've always been a sucker for hot wax both for light (candle at a distance) and heavy (candle close) play and Sir K really gave me my share. My beloved Mistress W found me time-locked and AFK after Sir K and k left for real-life and made sure I'd stay locked for the rest of this day and cutting into the next. But at least I got a chance to congratulate Miss T which my previous locking by Sir K had prevented me from doing. Then it was time for my real-life job and I was "released" with my breasts, tush and pussy out in the open and arms locked tight. Even if I still find it a bit embarrassing I really can't help but enjoying it as well when Mistress W is mischievous like that.
I've never had a "real" birthday spanking save for a couple of private ones in real-life delivered with much care by the Masters I submitted to at those times. Even if I can enjoy quite a bit of pain when I'm hot the idea of birthday spankings from a lot of persons never appealed to me because to me a birthday is more for quite a different kind of celebrations with friends or topped off by a loving and private session with my partner. But if I had to chose between one like P had and one like Miss T had I'd definitely go for the former. If I'm really really hot I might desire it more like Miss T had it but that state of mind doesn't fit in a birthday for me.
The rest of the day was a really good one for me. I had a chance to see Master D again for the first time in ages even if our meeting was cut short before it really started by real-life interference on my end. Like so often I ended up in the same cage as P and a had a nice time with her and another slave even if it was disturbed a bit by a rather humorous session with Sir D. Later p showed up there as well. P really needs a bigger cage since it tends to become quite crowded with friends gate-crashing into it. But if nothing else it keeps her multitasking darling Sir D happy to have a lot of girls at his feet even if many of them really are more at the submissive P's feet than at his. I also had a brief run-in with what I believe may become a pleasant acquaintance or even friend before it was time for some real-life sleep.
After my real-life sleep I bumped into Sir K and k despite actually trying not to disturb them. But I don't regret it since it ended in a lovely session where Sir K used me as a kind of tool to almost drive poor k crazy. I've always been a sucker for hot wax both for light (candle at a distance) and heavy (candle close) play and Sir K really gave me my share. My beloved Mistress W found me time-locked and AFK after Sir K and k left for real-life and made sure I'd stay locked for the rest of this day and cutting into the next. But at least I got a chance to congratulate Miss T which my previous locking by Sir K had prevented me from doing. Then it was time for my real-life job and I was "released" with my breasts, tush and pussy out in the open and arms locked tight. Even if I still find it a bit embarrassing I really can't help but enjoying it as well when Mistress W is mischievous like that.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Collars
Maybe the heading for this entry should have been "Collared" because it's really about the collars I wear and that are locked by my beloved Mistress.
To many slaves and submissives the collar is a very important symbol of their status and belonging. My opinions on collars are a bit more complex. I have once had a collaring ceremony real-life and even if it was supposed to be a grand moment for me I really did it more because it pleased my Master than for my own sake. The collar in itself never had any great impact on me as an ownership symbol but was more a pleasant reminder and a convenient attachment point for a leash or other bondage.
In Second Life I wear two collars (usually) locked by my beloved Mistress. The probably most important one is an invisible OpenCollar with which my Mistress or the ones she chooses can control many aspects of my Second Life. To me it’s mostly both a convenience and sometimes an inconvenience. Since my Mistress has granted me secondary ownership to it I can use it both to change outfits conveniently and to visually perform services or assume poses using animations in the collar. I wore it like that as an unlocked attachment for some time before I begged my Mistress to lock it on me. Once locked it however prevents some attachments to find their spots and forces me to manually position them which is a task I truly hate sometimes. But I still enjoy the knowledge of my Mistress having the control over me the OpenCollar grants her even if she seldom uses it to its fullest.
The other collar I wear is a much visible RealRestraint Serious Shackles one. Originally it was just part of a full set of Serious Shackles I wore for play or when it pleased my Mistress. One day she just decided to keep the key to it instead of handing it back after play and I was and still am really happy with that decision. What really made the collar important to me though was when she put her name on it stating I was her girl. After that I always want to wear it and I do it with pride. It's not to brag about my belonging to her even if I have every right to be proud of that considering how highly appreciated and respected she is. It's really mainly because it shows she cares enough for me to put her name on me. I would have treasured wearing that collar just as much even if her name had been on the inside of it where only she and I would have known about it.
My Mistress every now and then checks the time I have worn that RealRestraint Collar and tells me how many hundreds of hours it has been locked on me. I have understood that to some submissives and slaves that is very important but to me the only importance is if it makes my Mistress happy. Even if I don't want it to come off it wouldn't bother me if those timers would be reset. The only reason I can see why I would like to have it off sometimes is when it interferes with other things I'd like to wear and that need that attachment point like e.g. my lovely RealRestraint shibari ropes. Otherwise I think the grim collar matches even e.g. elegant gowns well as a kind of counterpoint accessory.
I also love the simplicity of my Mistress' owner tag on that collar. Just a simple "W's girl" but even if I think part of its simplicity is because of textual limits it still says so much. I will probably never be a "slave" in the sense most people put into that word even if I once thought I wanted that. I doubt I even live up to the standards many people associate with the word "submissive" even if that is how I mostly regard and name myself, the latter to at least give people a hint of my leanings. But I definitely am my Mistress' girl and truly want to belong to her and be permitted to try and obey and please her to the best of my ability.
So even if collars in general has no great symbolic meaning to me those two locked on me by my Mistress really are important to me for various reasons. But her hold on me would be just as strong even without any symbolism and the control the collars grant her over me because of my love and respect for her.
To many slaves and submissives the collar is a very important symbol of their status and belonging. My opinions on collars are a bit more complex. I have once had a collaring ceremony real-life and even if it was supposed to be a grand moment for me I really did it more because it pleased my Master than for my own sake. The collar in itself never had any great impact on me as an ownership symbol but was more a pleasant reminder and a convenient attachment point for a leash or other bondage.
In Second Life I wear two collars (usually) locked by my beloved Mistress. The probably most important one is an invisible OpenCollar with which my Mistress or the ones she chooses can control many aspects of my Second Life. To me it’s mostly both a convenience and sometimes an inconvenience. Since my Mistress has granted me secondary ownership to it I can use it both to change outfits conveniently and to visually perform services or assume poses using animations in the collar. I wore it like that as an unlocked attachment for some time before I begged my Mistress to lock it on me. Once locked it however prevents some attachments to find their spots and forces me to manually position them which is a task I truly hate sometimes. But I still enjoy the knowledge of my Mistress having the control over me the OpenCollar grants her even if she seldom uses it to its fullest.
The other collar I wear is a much visible RealRestraint Serious Shackles one. Originally it was just part of a full set of Serious Shackles I wore for play or when it pleased my Mistress. One day she just decided to keep the key to it instead of handing it back after play and I was and still am really happy with that decision. What really made the collar important to me though was when she put her name on it stating I was her girl. After that I always want to wear it and I do it with pride. It's not to brag about my belonging to her even if I have every right to be proud of that considering how highly appreciated and respected she is. It's really mainly because it shows she cares enough for me to put her name on me. I would have treasured wearing that collar just as much even if her name had been on the inside of it where only she and I would have known about it.
My Mistress every now and then checks the time I have worn that RealRestraint Collar and tells me how many hundreds of hours it has been locked on me. I have understood that to some submissives and slaves that is very important but to me the only importance is if it makes my Mistress happy. Even if I don't want it to come off it wouldn't bother me if those timers would be reset. The only reason I can see why I would like to have it off sometimes is when it interferes with other things I'd like to wear and that need that attachment point like e.g. my lovely RealRestraint shibari ropes. Otherwise I think the grim collar matches even e.g. elegant gowns well as a kind of counterpoint accessory.
I also love the simplicity of my Mistress' owner tag on that collar. Just a simple "W's girl" but even if I think part of its simplicity is because of textual limits it still says so much. I will probably never be a "slave" in the sense most people put into that word even if I once thought I wanted that. I doubt I even live up to the standards many people associate with the word "submissive" even if that is how I mostly regard and name myself, the latter to at least give people a hint of my leanings. But I definitely am my Mistress' girl and truly want to belong to her and be permitted to try and obey and please her to the best of my ability.
So even if collars in general has no great symbolic meaning to me those two locked on me by my Mistress really are important to me for various reasons. But her hold on me would be just as strong even without any symbolism and the control the collars grant her over me because of my love and respect for her.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Ordinary day
Owing to time differences and convenience my diary entries in this blog will become a bit funny. The most convenient time for me to write is usually early evening since I'm at work during the day and prime time in Second Life is in the very early morning hours for me. This means a diary entry will usually cover two half-days rather than one full day since there will usually be some action in the evening after I have written the entry and in the early morning before I go to work.
Yesterday evening was a rather ordinary half-day of which I spent most at Sir R's place. Usually I can both find some of my friends and also make new acquaintances since there is often quite a bit of traffic there. I like being able to help new visitors out since I kind of know the ropes around there after my trial week as slave and also since I spend much time there with my friends and know a bit about who is who. I also like to provide some company to those slaves locked up and often left alone to save them from the boredom I often suffered during my trial week as slave. Meeting dominants there is also a good way to train my skills in chatting and pleasing in a proper and respectful way.
me in uniform at Sir R's place
I really prefer being dressed up somewhat decently since I'm actually a bit shy despite having been locked up naked and regularly used and fingered at Sir R's place for a week and made a few short guest appearances like that as well afterwards. But sometimes I dress down to the uniform my beloved Mistress prefers me in when I'm with her and which is corset, stockings, high heels, obedience belt (a sometimes very unchaste chastity belt), shackles and nothing more which means me waving my boobs, tush and pussy out in the open. It's both a self-imposed training to stop my shyness from preventing me to appreciate some of the things my Mistress puts me through, a way to be prepared if my Mistress will suddenly call me and a way of offering pleasing eye candy to those visitors who appreciate that since far from all visitors at Sir R's place are after just chat.
I had a long and interesting talk with Sir N about mainly real-life BDSM and reactions common to both real-life BDSM and in Second Life, fooled around some with bad puns as I often do, managed to help my friend p out some by acting as her guinea pig regarding some technical issues, met a few rather new visitors who could become nice acquaintances or friends with time, and ended my evening with a long, very nice and relaxing rendezvous with Sir K whose "ramblings" are both very pleasant and often brings me new insights in why and how things around my Mistress' place are the way they are. I really enjoy the time I'm permitted to spend with him regardless if we just talk lightly, discuss things seriously or play.
I spent my few hours of real-life night sleep camping as I do most of the time while AFK (away from keyboard) to make some money so I can buy clothes, BDSM toys and other things I want.
This morning from when I woke up real-life at 2:30 AM I spent some more time at Sir R's place and met my friend p again there as she was heading for bed since she's in the same time-zone as I am. I saw both Sir K and my dear friend k online in my friends list and just sent them a brief greeting since I correctly assumed they were busy with each other. I was a bit surprised a while later when Sir K asked me if I was available. The truth is the only times I'm not available for him is if my beloved Mistress wants me so he teleported me and set me up as company for the already properly locked k since he was about to leave but wanted to give her some time to cool down time-locked. If you're familiar with Second Life you shouldn't be surprised that the place where we were locked was a small platform in a lava pit hovering some 3000 meters up in the air.
k and I locked up together
While we were waiting locked we were also visited by the Mistress of the place where the facility was located. I've only met her once before but she was very nice and pleasant and invited us to visit her home whenever we pleased and she was there. I really hadn't expected her to be anything but very nice since she's the partner of Master D who I regard very highly.
Now you would expect a guy to realize that if he is about to time-lock two girls with three sets of cuffs and one gag each he'll need to set eight timers right? Wrong! I guess I could give Sir K the benefit of a doubt for having been distracted by two nude and eager blonde submissives since in the end I found myself with my arms still locked and leashed without a timer. Fortunately my beloved Mistress came online about the same time as I discovered my predicament. The problem is that if you ask a dominant for help and especially one who can be as mischievous as my Mistress you never know if you are better or worse off after receiving the "help". In this case the help resulted in both k and me being locked without timers a while longer by my Mistress and being transported away for what ended up as a nice chat between the three of us.
I'm really very happy that my beloved Mistress and k seem to be getting along very nicely as well and k both received a very nice surprise from my Mistress and later told me she understood very well why I think my Mistress is so special. I was also very happy when I found out it was actually k who had asked Sir K to request my presence because I always have a bad conscience whenever I feel I interfere with their quality time with each other.
In a way I wish my morning would have ended in that happy and pleasant moment with my beloved Mistress and k but when you are surrounded by real people with real feelings and real problems in Second Life the way I am that second life isn't always that simple. I feel so helpless and frustrated when I see friends in distress and I can't really help and sometimes am not even permitted to try and help, especially when those friends are the kind who gladly sacrifices themselves to help others. And that was exactly what happened after that pleasant time with my Mistress and k. But sometimes you're given no choice but to accept even if it means you having to leave with a very sad feeling that remains just as it would if it was a real-life friend in distress you were unable to help.
me camping as bondage dancer at M's gallery
I often get a little thrill when I set myself up for my day-time camping which usually means dancing the day away more or less nude at a dance pole in cuffs, gag, breast bondage and plugs while I'm at my real-life work. This morning it was more of just an effort to do it because of the way I felt, however. The sad feeling and many thoughts stayed with me during much of my day at work even if I managed to focus OK on the things at hand there as well.
So now I'm back from real-life work again and after I've finished this blog entry another double half-day in Second Life will start over for me and the cycle repeat with whatever variations and surprises it will bring.
Yesterday evening was a rather ordinary half-day of which I spent most at Sir R's place. Usually I can both find some of my friends and also make new acquaintances since there is often quite a bit of traffic there. I like being able to help new visitors out since I kind of know the ropes around there after my trial week as slave and also since I spend much time there with my friends and know a bit about who is who. I also like to provide some company to those slaves locked up and often left alone to save them from the boredom I often suffered during my trial week as slave. Meeting dominants there is also a good way to train my skills in chatting and pleasing in a proper and respectful way.
me in uniform at Sir R's place
I really prefer being dressed up somewhat decently since I'm actually a bit shy despite having been locked up naked and regularly used and fingered at Sir R's place for a week and made a few short guest appearances like that as well afterwards. But sometimes I dress down to the uniform my beloved Mistress prefers me in when I'm with her and which is corset, stockings, high heels, obedience belt (a sometimes very unchaste chastity belt), shackles and nothing more which means me waving my boobs, tush and pussy out in the open. It's both a self-imposed training to stop my shyness from preventing me to appreciate some of the things my Mistress puts me through, a way to be prepared if my Mistress will suddenly call me and a way of offering pleasing eye candy to those visitors who appreciate that since far from all visitors at Sir R's place are after just chat.
I had a long and interesting talk with Sir N about mainly real-life BDSM and reactions common to both real-life BDSM and in Second Life, fooled around some with bad puns as I often do, managed to help my friend p out some by acting as her guinea pig regarding some technical issues, met a few rather new visitors who could become nice acquaintances or friends with time, and ended my evening with a long, very nice and relaxing rendezvous with Sir K whose "ramblings" are both very pleasant and often brings me new insights in why and how things around my Mistress' place are the way they are. I really enjoy the time I'm permitted to spend with him regardless if we just talk lightly, discuss things seriously or play.
I spent my few hours of real-life night sleep camping as I do most of the time while AFK (away from keyboard) to make some money so I can buy clothes, BDSM toys and other things I want.
This morning from when I woke up real-life at 2:30 AM I spent some more time at Sir R's place and met my friend p again there as she was heading for bed since she's in the same time-zone as I am. I saw both Sir K and my dear friend k online in my friends list and just sent them a brief greeting since I correctly assumed they were busy with each other. I was a bit surprised a while later when Sir K asked me if I was available. The truth is the only times I'm not available for him is if my beloved Mistress wants me so he teleported me and set me up as company for the already properly locked k since he was about to leave but wanted to give her some time to cool down time-locked. If you're familiar with Second Life you shouldn't be surprised that the place where we were locked was a small platform in a lava pit hovering some 3000 meters up in the air.
k and I locked up together
While we were waiting locked we were also visited by the Mistress of the place where the facility was located. I've only met her once before but she was very nice and pleasant and invited us to visit her home whenever we pleased and she was there. I really hadn't expected her to be anything but very nice since she's the partner of Master D who I regard very highly.
Now you would expect a guy to realize that if he is about to time-lock two girls with three sets of cuffs and one gag each he'll need to set eight timers right? Wrong! I guess I could give Sir K the benefit of a doubt for having been distracted by two nude and eager blonde submissives since in the end I found myself with my arms still locked and leashed without a timer. Fortunately my beloved Mistress came online about the same time as I discovered my predicament. The problem is that if you ask a dominant for help and especially one who can be as mischievous as my Mistress you never know if you are better or worse off after receiving the "help". In this case the help resulted in both k and me being locked without timers a while longer by my Mistress and being transported away for what ended up as a nice chat between the three of us.
I'm really very happy that my beloved Mistress and k seem to be getting along very nicely as well and k both received a very nice surprise from my Mistress and later told me she understood very well why I think my Mistress is so special. I was also very happy when I found out it was actually k who had asked Sir K to request my presence because I always have a bad conscience whenever I feel I interfere with their quality time with each other.
In a way I wish my morning would have ended in that happy and pleasant moment with my beloved Mistress and k but when you are surrounded by real people with real feelings and real problems in Second Life the way I am that second life isn't always that simple. I feel so helpless and frustrated when I see friends in distress and I can't really help and sometimes am not even permitted to try and help, especially when those friends are the kind who gladly sacrifices themselves to help others. And that was exactly what happened after that pleasant time with my Mistress and k. But sometimes you're given no choice but to accept even if it means you having to leave with a very sad feeling that remains just as it would if it was a real-life friend in distress you were unable to help.
me camping as bondage dancer at M's gallery
I often get a little thrill when I set myself up for my day-time camping which usually means dancing the day away more or less nude at a dance pole in cuffs, gag, breast bondage and plugs while I'm at my real-life work. This morning it was more of just an effort to do it because of the way I felt, however. The sad feeling and many thoughts stayed with me during much of my day at work even if I managed to focus OK on the things at hand there as well.
So now I'm back from real-life work again and after I've finished this blog entry another double half-day in Second Life will start over for me and the cycle repeat with whatever variations and surprises it will bring.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Habits
The last two months in Second Life have had some impact on my real life as well. I tend to spend so much time in Second Life that old real life friends are complaining I hardly ever have time to meet or go out with them anymore. It's hard to explain to them that I have new friends I want to spend time with as well even if I never meet those new friends in person in the real world.
Before I often took a warm shower when I came home after work, had dinner and then relaxed chatting with friends on the phone, reading or watching TV until bedtime around 11-12 pm so my hair had a chance to dry. Now I usually have dinner when I come home and then go online until bedtime around 9-10 pm. I usually wake up by myself 2-4 am and go online in hope of catching my beloved Mistress in Second Life. This is due to the time difference between us. I save the shower until after that since my Mistress often leaves me so messed up I really need it then and sometimes cold to cool down and be able to focus on work at all.
The one habit I haven't changed though is reserving my weekends for my real-life boyfriend. I really love my quality time with him and wouldn't want to lose it for the world. But sometimes when things are slow I find myself starting to think about the wonderful and exciting things I have experienced or expects to experience in Second Life in terms of BDSM. Often that gets me so excited that I can't do anything but seduce the poor boy. Even if I really hate myself for cheating on him the way I do in Second Life it still feels a bit better than doing it real-life and in one way it improves our sex-life with me being both more content and eager when I'm with him.
Before I often took a warm shower when I came home after work, had dinner and then relaxed chatting with friends on the phone, reading or watching TV until bedtime around 11-12 pm so my hair had a chance to dry. Now I usually have dinner when I come home and then go online until bedtime around 9-10 pm. I usually wake up by myself 2-4 am and go online in hope of catching my beloved Mistress in Second Life. This is due to the time difference between us. I save the shower until after that since my Mistress often leaves me so messed up I really need it then and sometimes cold to cool down and be able to focus on work at all.
The one habit I haven't changed though is reserving my weekends for my real-life boyfriend. I really love my quality time with him and wouldn't want to lose it for the world. But sometimes when things are slow I find myself starting to think about the wonderful and exciting things I have experienced or expects to experience in Second Life in terms of BDSM. Often that gets me so excited that I can't do anything but seduce the poor boy. Even if I really hate myself for cheating on him the way I do in Second Life it still feels a bit better than doing it real-life and in one way it improves our sex-life with me being both more content and eager when I'm with him.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Relationships
Relationship patterns in the real world can be complex with love, friendship and acquaintances in various forms. In the BDSM world it can become even more complex because of the common polyamori and combinations of love, sex, dominance and ownership. In a virtual world it becomes even more complex owing to inhibitions seeming to decrease and the possibility of multiple alts (alternative avatars controlled by the same person). Basically you could very well own, dominate, love and make love to yourself in multiple combinations and some seem to do just that.
I'm a rather simple case in this complex world being a heterosexual monogamous girl with a wonderful boyfriend in my real life, and in my virtual life my beloved Mistress W who I love and submit to, my best female friend P who I also love and am sexually attracted by, Sir K who I am very fond of and submit to and Master D plus one or two more girls I am sexually attracted by. My relationships are nothing out of the ordinary in other words.
My beloved Mistress W has her lover Mistress B and they share ownership on my sisses Miss T and m who are married to each other. Mistress B is the partner of Sir R and they are the Master and Mistress of Mistress W. All of them also owns or dominates a few or more other slaves or submissives themselves as well as Sir R being married to Miss V.
Sir K is a former submissive of Mistress W owning a couple of girls himself and who now seems to be getting it on with my friend k who is also dominated by Sir D. Sir D also owns my best friend P and sometimes dominates her best friend c who is owned by another Dom and also dominates my friends p and s of which the latter is the lover of P. Sir D also dominates a large number of other girls owned by Sir R.
So all seems very straight and simple probably for the main reason I've only been around for a couple of months and only have managed to notice the obvious relationships I see around me. But I have had a few hints about more discrete connections that kind of mess up the above very straight relationship patterns and then some!
I'm a rather simple case in this complex world being a heterosexual monogamous girl with a wonderful boyfriend in my real life, and in my virtual life my beloved Mistress W who I love and submit to, my best female friend P who I also love and am sexually attracted by, Sir K who I am very fond of and submit to and Master D plus one or two more girls I am sexually attracted by. My relationships are nothing out of the ordinary in other words.
My beloved Mistress W has her lover Mistress B and they share ownership on my sisses Miss T and m who are married to each other. Mistress B is the partner of Sir R and they are the Master and Mistress of Mistress W. All of them also owns or dominates a few or more other slaves or submissives themselves as well as Sir R being married to Miss V.
Sir K is a former submissive of Mistress W owning a couple of girls himself and who now seems to be getting it on with my friend k who is also dominated by Sir D. Sir D also owns my best friend P and sometimes dominates her best friend c who is owned by another Dom and also dominates my friends p and s of which the latter is the lover of P. Sir D also dominates a large number of other girls owned by Sir R.
So all seems very straight and simple probably for the main reason I've only been around for a couple of months and only have managed to notice the obvious relationships I see around me. But I have had a few hints about more discrete connections that kind of mess up the above very straight relationship patterns and then some!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friends
When I first came to Second Life I spent most of my time on my own exploring the world. Sure enough I met and chatted with some people but very few I really connected with. But now I have found many friends in Second Life of which many are at least as dear to me as any of my real-life friends. Since they will most probably appear in my blog every now and then I think a brief introduction of at least some of them is in place.
I don't want to make any grading between these people close to me so I'll just present them in alphabetical order.
"Mistress B"
The Mistress of my beloved Mistress, who can be both stern and wicked enough to scare the daylight out of you but also tender and caring.
"c"
Fun, caring and often thoughtful best girlfriend of P with a wardrobe that requires an entire sim to find place.
"Master D"
I've only had the pleasure of serving him once but that will forever earn him the title Master from me even if it's politically incorrect.
"Sir D"
The one who took care of and tended the most to me during my trial week as slave and whom I respect much despite some differences between us.
"Miss G"
A real-life friend of my beloved Mistress who has been very kind to me and helped me both with some history around the places where I am now and in understanding my beloved Mistress better.
"Sir K"
A very dear friend and one of the two best Masters I've met in Second Life even if he has a hard time recognizing his own greatness.
"k"
A dear friend and a girl so sweet she makes sugar wrinkle your face, even if a bit of spice sneaking in lately has just increased her loveliness.
"M"
My guardian angel who has been taking care of me both in real life and in Second Life for a long time although he's almost left Second Life now.
"m"
The cute and lovely female pet of the family who always put a smile on your face and with whom I linguistically can mess up the rest of the family.
"mm"
The sweetest and most caring male submissive I ever met and who I so much wish for to find a Mistress who really deserves and appreciates him.
"Sir N"
A guy who's around much but that I don't know all that well even if I like his self distance and humor a lot.
"P"
A true and beautiful submissive with one of the biggest hearts I've ever known and I love and respects her as much as I do my beloved Mistress.
"p"
If she's not in tight bondage she's not really p, always kind and helpful but with a mischievousness that should make you mind your keys.
"Sir R"
The Master of my beloved Mistress who's got quite a reputation but who never treated me wrong neither while I was his trial slave nor afterwards.
"s"
Lover of P and a girl I'd like to know much better since her being so highly regarded by the two persons I love the most in Second Life must mean something.
"Miss t"
My sis and true slave of Mistresses W and B with who I already have shared a great deal of fun and share some masochistic interests with.
"Mistress W"
My beloved Mistress for who there are barely words enough to describe how great she is or how much I love her, loving, caring, understanding, playful, mischievous and sometimes stern.
I don't want to make any grading between these people close to me so I'll just present them in alphabetical order.
"Mistress B"
The Mistress of my beloved Mistress, who can be both stern and wicked enough to scare the daylight out of you but also tender and caring.
"c"
Fun, caring and often thoughtful best girlfriend of P with a wardrobe that requires an entire sim to find place.
"Master D"
I've only had the pleasure of serving him once but that will forever earn him the title Master from me even if it's politically incorrect.
"Sir D"
The one who took care of and tended the most to me during my trial week as slave and whom I respect much despite some differences between us.
"Miss G"
A real-life friend of my beloved Mistress who has been very kind to me and helped me both with some history around the places where I am now and in understanding my beloved Mistress better.
"Sir K"
A very dear friend and one of the two best Masters I've met in Second Life even if he has a hard time recognizing his own greatness.
"k"
A dear friend and a girl so sweet she makes sugar wrinkle your face, even if a bit of spice sneaking in lately has just increased her loveliness.
"M"
My guardian angel who has been taking care of me both in real life and in Second Life for a long time although he's almost left Second Life now.
"m"
The cute and lovely female pet of the family who always put a smile on your face and with whom I linguistically can mess up the rest of the family.
"mm"
The sweetest and most caring male submissive I ever met and who I so much wish for to find a Mistress who really deserves and appreciates him.
"Sir N"
A guy who's around much but that I don't know all that well even if I like his self distance and humor a lot.
"P"
A true and beautiful submissive with one of the biggest hearts I've ever known and I love and respects her as much as I do my beloved Mistress.
"p"
If she's not in tight bondage she's not really p, always kind and helpful but with a mischievousness that should make you mind your keys.
"Sir R"
The Master of my beloved Mistress who's got quite a reputation but who never treated me wrong neither while I was his trial slave nor afterwards.
"s"
Lover of P and a girl I'd like to know much better since her being so highly regarded by the two persons I love the most in Second Life must mean something.
"Miss t"
My sis and true slave of Mistresses W and B with who I already have shared a great deal of fun and share some masochistic interests with.
"Mistress W"
My beloved Mistress for who there are barely words enough to describe how great she is or how much I love her, loving, caring, understanding, playful, mischievous and sometimes stern.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
BDSM and me
BDSM (binding, bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism or sadomasochism) to me is a mainly sexual variation that adds necessary and extra pleasure to my sex life but also some joy to other parts of my life. It's nothing dark or destructive to me but a source of joy and happiness. I indulge in it because it makes me feel good and not because I think I deserve no better or to punish myself. I've never accepted abusive partners neither in BDSM nor in other relationships. Hence I choose to color my tale of it in bright colors instead of coloring it black as so many other tellers of it do.
My interests in BDSM can be split up in three separate parts but interacting to form a unity.
I like to please and make people happy. The closer they are to me and the more I care about them, the higher the price I am willing to pay to achieve that. For those I really love there is no sacrifice in leaving all my own needs and desires behind to feel the satisfaction in being able to satisfy them to the best of my ability.
I like to submit and give up control. I'm discriminating in who I give up control to though. Trust is the keyword and those who have earned my trust have privileges with me beyond what many may understand. Even if their decisions may cause me real discomfort my trust in them usually makes me accept it in the firm belief it will all be for the best in the end.
I'm a masochist regarding many both physical and mental sensations. Some discomforts turn me on even from a cold start while most craves at least some level of excitement already present to further add to it. In the right amount, severity, situation, company and state of mind they can make me fly into that lovely mental state I call subspace while if wrong they may cause me nothing but real and intolerable agony.
What I like and can tolerate or not in BDSM vary much depending on the factors above: amount, severity, situation, company and state of mind. Some things that appeals to me most of the time are strict and strenuous bondage preferably with ropes, breast bondage, gags, plugs, clamps and sexual use.
Although my interest in BDSM has been with me since I was pre-teen my real-life experience is confined to three rather late and intense years of experimenting and experiencing. Now circumstances prevent me from indulging in it real-life save for some self-bondage and that's why I now seek that element in its virtual form in Second Life.
I didn't come to Second Life for BDSM or other sexual play but because I became fascinated with its creative potential. For months I just wandered around mesmerized by all the fantastic creations I saw: landscapes, buildings, art, avatar, clothes and anything anyone can think of. Then I started trying to create things myself but with very poor result because it was much too complex for me. That failure together with the fact that I was saturated with everything I'd seen and started to recognize much of the same wherever I went made me start to lose interest in Second Life.
I had become a very sparse visitor and thought about leaving Second Life entirely when a friend who had helped me out from the start showed me some BDSM items he had created. I became curious rather than really interested since phone sex and cyber sex had never appealed to me before. After helping him trying out some of the things he created and seeing some other people play with similar things I decided to see what it was about anyway and started hanging out in some places with people into that kind of games.
I was surprised how attached I got to some of the people I was in touch with. When I for the first times tried some serious play I got even more surprised from how I and my body responded. The feelings and reactions I experienced was much like the ones I had experienced while doing BDSM in real life and in many cases I remembered so strongly the physical sensations from then that it felt like I had been subjected to it real-life again.
Although I've never considered and still don't consider myself a lesbian my first serious partner in Second Life became another girl. We were friends and I became her sexual toy as well. Our games often took such turns that I could hardly distinguish virtuality from reality and my affection for her grew immensely until she was my Mistress who didn't just control my online time and behavior but much offline as well. Despite she was sometimes really cruel to me in our games she hurt me the most when she left me without any explanation and ended our friendship for no reason I could see.
After my first Mistress abandoned me I almost left Second Life again. But the urge for the virtual sexual games finally became so strong I returned to experience them again. I played with many different people in many different places and with many different scenarios but none was very satisfying. During a trial week as fulltime slave at a playground I unexpectedly found someone who brought back those lovely feelings I had experienced again. She later became my best friend and my beloved Mistress and has opened up her world of family and friends to me and has given me the first place where I really feel at home since I came to Second Life.
I love and cherish my Mistress more than I ever imagined I could with someone I only ever met over the Internet. She fulfills so many of my needs and desires. I have also found several dear friends in her family and among other people around her. I treasure every minute with my Mistress whether it brings company, chat, soft and mischievous play or cruel and wicked games, alone with her or together with others. Although being strict at times she is also very caring and can also be forgiving when I manage to mess up again and again and by now that has started to bring me the safe and warm feeling that I will stay owned by her for a long time.
So that's where I am now, in love and loved, owned and cared for by who is probably one of the very best Mistresses in Second Life, permitted to fulfill my desires by trying to please, submit and be the victim of lovely torture from time to time, and with lovely friends around me. That is what I want to share in this blog.
My interests in BDSM can be split up in three separate parts but interacting to form a unity.
I like to please and make people happy. The closer they are to me and the more I care about them, the higher the price I am willing to pay to achieve that. For those I really love there is no sacrifice in leaving all my own needs and desires behind to feel the satisfaction in being able to satisfy them to the best of my ability.
I like to submit and give up control. I'm discriminating in who I give up control to though. Trust is the keyword and those who have earned my trust have privileges with me beyond what many may understand. Even if their decisions may cause me real discomfort my trust in them usually makes me accept it in the firm belief it will all be for the best in the end.
I'm a masochist regarding many both physical and mental sensations. Some discomforts turn me on even from a cold start while most craves at least some level of excitement already present to further add to it. In the right amount, severity, situation, company and state of mind they can make me fly into that lovely mental state I call subspace while if wrong they may cause me nothing but real and intolerable agony.
What I like and can tolerate or not in BDSM vary much depending on the factors above: amount, severity, situation, company and state of mind. Some things that appeals to me most of the time are strict and strenuous bondage preferably with ropes, breast bondage, gags, plugs, clamps and sexual use.
Although my interest in BDSM has been with me since I was pre-teen my real-life experience is confined to three rather late and intense years of experimenting and experiencing. Now circumstances prevent me from indulging in it real-life save for some self-bondage and that's why I now seek that element in its virtual form in Second Life.
I didn't come to Second Life for BDSM or other sexual play but because I became fascinated with its creative potential. For months I just wandered around mesmerized by all the fantastic creations I saw: landscapes, buildings, art, avatar, clothes and anything anyone can think of. Then I started trying to create things myself but with very poor result because it was much too complex for me. That failure together with the fact that I was saturated with everything I'd seen and started to recognize much of the same wherever I went made me start to lose interest in Second Life.
I had become a very sparse visitor and thought about leaving Second Life entirely when a friend who had helped me out from the start showed me some BDSM items he had created. I became curious rather than really interested since phone sex and cyber sex had never appealed to me before. After helping him trying out some of the things he created and seeing some other people play with similar things I decided to see what it was about anyway and started hanging out in some places with people into that kind of games.
I was surprised how attached I got to some of the people I was in touch with. When I for the first times tried some serious play I got even more surprised from how I and my body responded. The feelings and reactions I experienced was much like the ones I had experienced while doing BDSM in real life and in many cases I remembered so strongly the physical sensations from then that it felt like I had been subjected to it real-life again.
Although I've never considered and still don't consider myself a lesbian my first serious partner in Second Life became another girl. We were friends and I became her sexual toy as well. Our games often took such turns that I could hardly distinguish virtuality from reality and my affection for her grew immensely until she was my Mistress who didn't just control my online time and behavior but much offline as well. Despite she was sometimes really cruel to me in our games she hurt me the most when she left me without any explanation and ended our friendship for no reason I could see.
After my first Mistress abandoned me I almost left Second Life again. But the urge for the virtual sexual games finally became so strong I returned to experience them again. I played with many different people in many different places and with many different scenarios but none was very satisfying. During a trial week as fulltime slave at a playground I unexpectedly found someone who brought back those lovely feelings I had experienced again. She later became my best friend and my beloved Mistress and has opened up her world of family and friends to me and has given me the first place where I really feel at home since I came to Second Life.
I love and cherish my Mistress more than I ever imagined I could with someone I only ever met over the Internet. She fulfills so many of my needs and desires. I have also found several dear friends in her family and among other people around her. I treasure every minute with my Mistress whether it brings company, chat, soft and mischievous play or cruel and wicked games, alone with her or together with others. Although being strict at times she is also very caring and can also be forgiving when I manage to mess up again and again and by now that has started to bring me the safe and warm feeling that I will stay owned by her for a long time.
So that's where I am now, in love and loved, owned and cared for by who is probably one of the very best Mistresses in Second Life, permitted to fulfill my desires by trying to please, submit and be the victim of lovely torture from time to time, and with lovely friends around me. That is what I want to share in this blog.
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