Betrayal

This afternoon I returned to Second Life and met my friends c and p at Sir R's place. We chatted some, and p showed a large egg, which hatched into a huge bird able to fly on its own, follow or to ride upon. I just couldn't resist it but had to go and get one when p gave me a landmark for where she got it.

I found the freebie egg easy enough and then I discovered that c and p had followed. p new the sim some, and besides the creatures that could be bought there, it also held a BDSM playground. p and I explored it, trying out some of the items, while c kept more in the background. I discovered it was a bad idea trying out things like that though, getting me all frustrated.

I needed to leave for real life for a while, and when I came back I discovered c had joined with my friend z, and I was invited to c's place, where the three of us sat chatting mainly about real-life issues. When z needed to leave for real life after a while, c and I continued chatting some more.

Before going away from keyboard for real-life sleep, I visited my guardian M's institute to collect some information I needed for the blog I manage for him about the institute. I then went back to my usual place at one of M's installation before signing off, not being needed at Mistress W's place any longer since the lag issue there seems to be solved now.


I also once more was reminded that I should be careful with what I reveal about myself. Even when you do it to people you really trust, it's usually only a matter of time before it will be used against you. I wonder why I always have to be so naive and open up to people when I know the end result always will be I will be hurt from it. Especially when it comes from people you really believed were your friends and could trust with anything, it hurts so bad it makes you wonder why you ever bother trying to be a friend at all.

Magic Wand

I haven't been in Second Life today, but my guardian M texted me real-life and told me the lag problems at Mistress W's place seemed mainly gone but that I seemed to have gotten moved to a non-existing place and then crashed when he tried to message me in Second Life. I guess I will see when I enter Second Life next time how messed up I will be.

So obviously that magic wand I commented upon in my last blog entry does exist sometimes. I just wonder if it could be brought out to bring me a good dom/me as well. Maybe I should try to file a jira, an abuse report or a support ticket about the lack of good dom/mes to Linden Labs. And start believing in Santa Claus and fairies as well

Disappointment

When I returned to Mistress W's place this morning and found it empty save for my guardian M and his land manager who were there to fight the lag but away from keyboard.

I guess the lag fighting deserves explaining a bit better. A small landowner in the same sim as Mistress W has set up a "fuck club" with zillions of bad vendor machines and poseballs which cause immense lag when interacted with. On top of that the theme of free sex and fuck attracts a lot of newcomers and desperates who add to the lag with freebie sex toys and also fills the sim so no one else can get in. So the idea is that by seeing to that the available slot for visitors to the sim are not all filled up by visitors to the club, the lag can be reduced by less interaction and in the long run maybe also make the club owner shut down or move because he doesn't get enough visitors to make it worth while.

In parallel, Mistress W and several of the other residents in the sim plus my guardian M have been posting abuse reports to Linden Labs about the situation in the sim and the overuse of resources by the club making the sim unusable for anyone else. No one seems to believe those abuse reports will make any difference though.

I have been neglecting my job in Second Life a lot lately because I've spent as much time as possible fighting lag for Mistress W, but this morning I sneaked off to my job to at least put in a couple of hours there, helped in my decision by some company I didn't appreciate coming my way at Mistress W's place. I bumped into my new CEO at work and managed to help her with a little issue with her cuffs that had been locked in a bad way by her Master. We chatted a little about various things as well since the traffic was low and not many needing my assistance as a guide there.

My CEO had just left when Miss t dropped by to my big surprise. She came to shop to ease her depression after being told by Mistress W she intends to close her place down unless something happens with the lag issue. I messaged Mistress W right away trying to persuade her not to go through with her plans on shutting down the sim. Meanwhile, my employer Mistress I showed up, and I decided in desperation to try and ask her about what could be done about the situation in Mistress W's sim, since she is a big landowner herself and seems very adept in handling various problems.

Mistress I was very helpful and spent quite some time explaining various possibilities to me, some of which I forwarded to Mistress W. She couldn't offer any fail-safe solution though. After she had to leave for her real-life work, I decided to head back for Mistress W's place but make a short stop at Sir R's place on the way.

There I ran into my friends Miss t, m and Sir N again. Miss t was just off to bed but I at least managed to steal a hug from her before she left, and I also got hugs from m and Sir N. We just chatted briefly before m had to leave as well and I continued back to Mistress W's place. During my teleport there I suffered a crash that left me without any attachments when I managed to return to Second Life, and it took me half an hour in the lag to get straightened out again, so I could resume my entertainment there while heading for real-life.

Looking back, I feel disappointed and frustrated at how things are going at Mistress W. I have been doing the best I can with my limited knowledge and resources to help fight the lag there, inviting friends to lag hell and keeping them there, taking up time from friends asking for advice and help, neglecting both my job and some obligations I have as a friend to others, just to be at Mistress W's place as much as possible.

To see Mistress W and the others in the sim, who should really be engaged because it's their places, just fold and leave the sim, both temporary now because it's too inconvenient with the lag if they want to play, and permanently if no one comes along with a magic wand and solve their problems without them having to work much for it, makes me feel sad, disappointed, angry, furious, not about the lag but about those people.

Sure, I was never asked to be there and help against the lag, but for me it was the natural thing, the only thing, I could do when I saw friends in distress that I thought I could help. But seeing them fold without even putting up a real fight, seemingly without caring much about it even, makes it very hard for me to go on either. I don't know why I should keep fighting for something I'm not even part of when those who are don't seem to care enough to do it.

I will leave my avatar to fight the lag over the weekend, but then I'll go back to using my time for better things than battles already given up, being a better friend to those where I make a difference, being more loyal to my employer considering all she's done for me, helping my guardian M out with the chores around his installations, and making money again so I can afford the things I need and want. I hate signing off for the weekend with those thoughts in mind, but it seems like the only thing I can do right now.

Concert

Delayed post from Thursday, June 24, 2010, owing to late chat and lag.

This morning I woke up to another morning of lag fighting in Second Life. The situation at Mistress W's place seemed as bad as ever. At least I got to meet and chat some with Miss t and Mistress W herself. My guardian M and me had done a little brainstorming about what could be done about the lag issues, and I handed over a notecard with suggestions to Mistress W.

Mistress W and Miss t explained some about how the scripts in pose balls and attachments affected the lag and for the first time ever I think I understood some of it, after a primer my guardian M had made before. Pretty soon I was left behind with internal references again though so things were back to normal.

My guardian M made a short guest appearance but in the middle of it I crashed, and when I managed to get back more than 10 minutes later, everyone was gone. So I got back up on my dance pole and headed for real-life work.

When I returned to Second Life this afternoon, it took me some 15 minutes just to ungear enough to be able to teleport away from Mistress W's place. I managed to bump into Sir R at his place, but he was busy with one of his slaves, so I just greeted him quickly.

I then got hold of my new friend n, and we had a long chat at M's gallery about BDSM, relationships, what kind of submissive one should really be, Gorean BDSM and electro-shocks. She showed me her new home, where she's kept by her Mistress and her Mistress' Master. Obviously she wasn't quite sure about what rights she had to show the place, because when her Master showed up, she hurried us both away from there. After a few minutes more of chat, she needed to go to bed since it was very late in her time zone.

I then went back to Mistress W's place and spent some time chatting with my friend m and one of her friends there. After they had left for real-life issues, I went to my first ever Second Life concert, performed by Suzan Littlething, a girl I met on Twitter. It was really great, but there were so few spectators there that I actually managed to persuade M to join us, and he seemed to enjoy it too.

After the concert, M had to leave, but I was invited to Suzan's home, which was a very nice place, with much blending into nature and including a big tree house. We talked about a lot of different things, and she was very nice, so I hope I'll see her again soon, and have the opportunity to go to more of her concerts. Perhaps I'll try to drag along a few more of my friends then.

After Suzan and I parted, I went back to Mistress W's place, where I ran into someone who said he was a friend of my friend c. We chatted a little while I geared up to spend another night on the dance poles. He seemed to enjoy it at least some, so I felt fulfilled when I finally needed to go away from keyboard to fix my blogs and get some sleep.

Lag and job

When I entered Second Life this morning I found myself in lag hell at Mistress W's place. It seemed to be worse than ever. But at least I caught Mistress W for a hug and some chat about the lag problem. Miss T also showed up, and a girl who was trapped in a glass cage belonging to Mistress W. Mistress W decided to leash her just to keep her out of more trouble...

The lag kept me so long, before I had managed to set myself up to continue dancing on Mistress W's dance poles, that I was late for my real-life job. But at least it gave me a chance to actually meet my guardian M online, as he showed up to take care of his slave that he had left at Mistress W's place. Mistress W's nice maid also showed up, but by then I was so late I barely had time to say hi to her before I had to rush off to real life.

When I returned to Second Life this evening, I had a rather sporadic chat with my friend c, who wasn't feeling very well. Since I was all alone and the lag still stopped me from doing anything useful, I decided to put in a couple of hours at my job instead. I ran into my closest boss there and found out she had been promoted from manager to CEO. I was very happy for her sake, because she's really nice and deserved that. It was also heart-warming when she hugged me and told me I had been missed, since I haven't been there much lately.

I took the chance to check around on the continued progress at my job, after the reconstruction, and discovered among other things that I'm on pictures tied up at most of the dungeons there, after the photo shoot I helped out with a while back. I also found two brand new dungeons and an extra big aquarium tank with a full mermaid shop in it. I also chatted some with a visitor who seemed really heart-broken over a break with someone recently.

When I returned to Mistress W's place to let my avatar keep dancing there, the lag was still as bad. Before leaving Second Life my friend m came online, so I got a hug from her and a few words of chat before signing off.

Sim crashing and chatting

This morning I woke up late and entered Second Life about in time to be swept away by another sim crash in the sim where Mistress W has her place, most probably owing to the lag. When I finally managed to come back I had been stripped of every attachment I have, including the discrete OpenCollar ring I always wear locked to manage my outfits, and the lag caused it to take the most of the morning to get in gear again. I just had time to say hello to Mistress W's maid as I was done and had to rush to real-life work delayed.

This evening I was late to enter Second Life too, but at least I got a chance to really talk to my friend c for the first time in a few days. She's really having a hard time now and even if I try to do my best to support and cheer her up, I feel I'm not much good for it. I also met m briefly while c and I danced side by side on the dance poles at Mistress W's place, trying to help and fight the lag issues, and later m joined us on the poles. Finally I had to leave my avatar, c and m to go to real-life sleep.

Camping, shopping and loving

Delayed post from Monday, June 21, 2010, owing to late love.

This morning I entered Second Life at Mistress W's place, where I had left my avatar dancing for the night, to help her with her lag problems. Miss t and one of her friends were there when I came, but I was called on to go to Sir R's place by my friends P and c almost immediately.

The lag was so bad I had to get out of all the bondage gear I wore while dancing to be able to teleport at all, and decided to dress casually while at it. When I finally got to Sir R's place I found c in a Wonder Woman outfit, Sir N in a Spider man outfit, P in something that could have made her the maiden in distress, and one of the house Masters at Sir R's place. We joked around some and meanwhile our friend s tried to get on repeatedly but just kept crashing before really getting there.

When we split up, c and I went back to Mistress W's place. Miss T was still there, and just as I had geared up to join c on the dance poles, Mistress W herself showed up. She was happy for people like c and me helping her out with her lag problems. She even set about building tip jars for those dancing in case any visitors would think they were worth it.

A few more visitors showed up while I was dancing, including a boy new to Second Life and BDSM there, who Mistress W took good care of teaching him the ropes some. Mistress W's maid and my friend m also showed up, so I got some hugs before I needed to leave my avatar dancing to go for real-life work.

When I entered Second Life again in the evening, I had a long message session with my friend P. A little bit later I met her, s and z at Sir R's place. P, z and I went shopping for some things she needed for being a slave at Sir R's place. I was glad I at least could help some with finding some of the things.

When we were done, z still had some time before she was supposed to be back at Sir R's place, so I "borrowed" her and spent the end of my evening chatting, dancing and cuddling with her. Having her free and to myself for this probably one and only time was just so lovely. She's so immensely sweet and I really care so much for her.

When z and I finally had to split because of real-life needs, I went back to Mistress W's place and left my avatar dancing on the poles there, in shackles, harness gag, obedience belt with plugs and tight breast bondage, hoping to lure any visitors to stay a few minutes extra gawking at me and thereby help fighting the lag issues at Mistress W's place.

Pole dancing and chatting

Strangely enough I hadn't crashed out of Second Life during the weekend but was still dancing on the same pole as when I left. When I returned I was very happy to see my friend c dancing on the pole next to me at Mistress W's place. We had a long discussion about how real-life and Second Life issues affect each other, especially when it comes to relationships. Later my friend P joined in as well, and my guardian M also dropped by to park his avatar for the night. That was about all that happened before it was time for me to go away from keyboard for some sleep.

Magic lost

Delayed post from Saturday, June 19, 2010, owing to Internet outage.

Immersion. Things unreal becoming your reality. Things in your head becoming so physical you can sense them, feel them, smell them, taste them, hear them. Imagination or hallucination? Dream or delusion?

Before, I couldn't stop from immersing in Second Life. What happened in-world made an as strong impact on me as if it had happened in real life. Things that scared me in real life scared me in Second Life. Things that made me uncomfortable in real life made me uncomfortable in Second Life as well.

Lately I feel that has started to change. When I've played with people, immersion has not come automatically, but I've had to try and suggest or force myself into it. And I haven't even really done it for my own sake, for my longing after that reality, but because I've wanted to please the ones I've played with, to give them the "full" me.

More than once it's felt more or less silly in the end, looking at a bunch of pixels supposed to resemble myself, shaped by graphical additions supposed to resemble ropes and cuffs, into something that would be exciting and desirable real-life. Yes, the excitement has been there, my fingers have been inside my panties even, but I haven't lived it the way I used to.

I try to tell myself that the change really isn't a change, but just depends on the circumstances lately. I'm not owned, I haven't found anyone worthy of my immersion and full submission, no-one with the personality or ways that sends me down into immersion and whirling out into subspace. Looking back, the immersion and submission I experienced before still feels real and not just some role-playing, and that gives me some hope. But I more and more doubt I will ever get back to that lovely and desirable state again.

Still, my needs are so strong that I can't stop trying at least. And my urge to please are strong enough to try my best to hide my disappointment and frustration every time I find myself looking at a mess of pixels instead of raveling in immersion and drifting in subspace. But when I stand back and look at it, I can't help but wondering how much longer I will find it worthwhile even trying, how much longer before Second Life turns into just some graphically glorified chat for me, a mean just to keep in touch with the few real friends I have here. And that is a sad thought, at least as long as the memories of something much more lingers.

A little help

Delayed post from Friday, June 18, 2010, owing to Internet outage.

This morning I entered Second Life at Mistress W's place, where I left my avatar dancing the night before. The sim her place is in had not crashed again, so both my guardian M and I was still there, even if M probably was still asleep real-life when I woke up.

It actually developed into quite a nice morning, with in total 8 persons there simultaneously: M, Mistress W's maid, my friend c and another girl of Mistress W both joining me on the dance poles, Sir K, a Mistress and her girl from Sir R's place, and me. I was especially glad that c joined me, since she really seemed to enjoy it despite being ill. I think she might have needed the distraction, and she even stayed on after I needed to leave for real-life work.

It's a pity I can't keep the routine up during the weekend, but real-life has to come first. I think we could have kept quite a party going at Mistress W's place to help her stressing her lag problems. But as it is now I suspect the sim will crash again soon so my avatar will be logged out. But hopefully some others can help keep the routine going. If not, I will try to restart it when I return on Sunday afternoon.

I really enjoyed trying to entertain and make people comfortable, chatting and joking with them. It also felt OK exposing myself the way I did on the dance pole, in only corset, stockings, heel, shackles, belt with plugs, and sometimes a gag. I've been a bit hesitant about that for the last month or so, but doing it for a good cause, trying to lure people to stay a little while longer, justified it.

I might suggest Mistress W to try and make some kind of regular club nights with music and dance, even when her need of stressing the lag problem hopefully is solved. For the time being I will at least try to help her out some with the lag problem, and hopefully I can get some friends to help as well, like M, c and Miss s did now.

Nice lag issues

I spent some of my time this morning finishing a little gift for Miss t. Or rather a prototype for it since I don't know if it will work for her and if she'll like it. Just when I was finished I had a message from my manager at work about where she could find a good rope gag, and since I have one of those myself I could help her by getting a landmark to a place selling it and send to her.

When I went over to Mistress W's place, I first met an old acquaintance of mine there, a switch girl, who I had a nice chat with, and just after she had left, Mistress W's cute little maid appeared. She kept me company until first Sir K and later Miss t appeared as well. We were standing around chatting and joking before us girl went away to try and catch a freebie maid’s uniform at a shop. We looked around some in the mall before we went back to the poor Sir K who we just left behind.

We girls, including another girl who joined, chatted some more before it was time for me to prepare for real-life work.

When I got home from real-life work, I entered Second Life again after taking hand of a few real-life issues. I never got the freebie maid uniform despite being told I had, so I took a quick turn past the shop and registered for another copy of it.

Then I went straight to Mistress W's place again, to help her with the continued investigation of her lag issues. Basically that meant me dressing down on one of her dance poles to keep visitors a bit longer and see how that affected lag. While I was there I first had company my Mistress W's maid, then Miss s and finally my friend c. The sim actually crashed from lag while Miss s was there, so I guess my help in investigating the lag issue at least showed some result.

c and I had a nice chat while we both danced away at the poles, but unfortunately I needed to call it a night much too early because of previous lack of sleep and a few more real-life things I needed to handle.

Revisiting

This morning I made my first "official" visit to Mistress W's place since I left there almost 3 months ago. It was Mistress W who invited me, or at least sent me a teleport invite, to try and help her with some lag issues and examine the effects from scripted attachments on it. I went through part of my collection of scripted BDSM toys while doing so, and Mistress W, a new girl of hers and me had a few laughs while I did.

I've learned my lesson not to leave any keys on my restraints but some of my restraints probably haven't been used since before I learned that lesson. Of course Mistress W noticed one such mistake and before I knew it she had my feet locked. She was kind enough not to take any real advantage of it though so it was OK.

Before I had to leave for real life, I tried some forced maid service installation Mistress W had constructed. Basically it meant having to run around like crazy to dust things and having abilities blocked one by one if one wasn't fast enough. Of course I wasn't fast enough but time ran out before I found myself like some helpless and nude package tucked away in some hole at least.

I guess if it hadn't been for mainly the lag complicating things and me refusing to perform badly even when I'm doomed before hand owing to too tight time frames at least for a beginner in that maid's game, I might even have enjoyed it some. As it was now it was just stress to me, and I didn't even have time to notice details, like funny comments as my abilities were blocked from me, until I looked through my logs afterwards.

Miss t showed up in the middle of it all, tightly tied and with huge breasts that were just begging to become tightly tied with lots of rope. She seemed a bit nervous when I commented upon it though, but I think my description of what I would do to such a pair of beautifully tied up breasts made her somewhat ambivalent. Unfortunately I had to run to get to my real-life job then, before we could elaborate more on it.

This evening things were really slow. It was totally empty at Sir R's place when I was there, but I messaged very shortly with my friends P and c who were out shopping. I started out on a little building project I have been thinking on for some time now but finally got the inspiration to begin with just the other day. I actually managed to get a first version of it done and working today already and felt a bit proud of myself. It's nothing really worth presenting yet though.

After a new visit to Sir R's place, where there were now some people, including my friend p who was away from keyboard, I decided to call it an early night.

Making friends

This morning I met Miss t for the first time in ages when I visited Sir R's place. She was at play with one of the slave girls there and doing an as thorough job as I remember her doing back when we both were Mistress W's girls. You can't do much but stand mesmerized when she's "at work" and don't know if you should feel sorry for or be envious of her "victim". Her fantastic emoting skills would probably put you in a trance so you wouldn't bother about which in her hands though.

I finally got my courage up and begged her to accept an offer to come back on my friends list and when she accepted it I couldn't help bursting into tears. I did her so wrong those months ago when I removed her from that list and I'm so grateful she could forgive me enough to come back on it. I had to leave for real-life work soon after that, and even if I managed to steal a hug from Sir R on my way out it didn't feel all that important to Miss t's friendship.

When I returned to Second Life this evening I had received a message from Mistress I about further developments on my issue with the former Sir M. Even if the development seems to be good in the eyes of Mistress I, I would rather see that it's just done with though.

I also met Miss F, the girl I once helped with her locked cuffs, at Sir R's place. We ended up in some kind of negotiation about possible future playing, but unfortunately it was cut short by ringing phones and dinners real-life. I like her and feel I can trust her, and she seems interested in me, so it's possible something might happen there some time.

While I was writing this, I exchanged a few messages with Mistress W about her land problems, and it seems like she has some ideas to deal with them, I really hope she manages. Now I'm dead tired from much too little sleep and today’s activities real-life, so I'll sign off early and go to bed.

Play and lessons learned

You realize your getting desperately frustrated when you find yourself standing gawking mesmerized at other subs being taken care of by their own and various other dom/mes at BDSM playgrounds. Today it feels like I spent half my time in Second Life doing that.

Apart from that I spent a short time with my friends P and c while P tried to learn flying something she won in a contest before I managed to finally go to bed.

When I woke up again I went to Sir R's place to find my friends c, Mistress W and Sir N there. I think Mistress W was there because of some severe problems with lag one of her neighbours create with an over-populated sex club. Anyway, we chatted and had some fun, and P joined for a short while as well.

I found out there is a limit to how much teasing certain dommes can take when I found myself with two bull-whip welts across my ass for having wiggled it a little bit too much at Sir N. A slight association slip with my ponytail gave me the inspiration to quickly slip into my ponygirl outfit, and I think that quite literally saved both my butt and me from becoming a (striped) zebra without my own doing.

I admit I had those lashes coming, but a bullwhip from a cold start is a bit too harsh for me, so I guess I'll refrain from giving Sir N another excuse to bring it to me. It was a lot more fun prancing around like his ponygirl like I did afterwards despite my stinging butt. Unfortunately I had to cut it short to prepare for my real-life job.

Today I decided to test my new mobile Internet by bringing my private laptop to my real-life job and use the lunch break to surf Second Life some. At Sir R's place I met my friend c again and Sir R himself. Sir R seemed less stressed and distract than usual and he took the time to set up his riding horse so I could ride it like I had before but not been able to for some time. I also saw his ant pits in use for the first time, even in there seemed to be some technical problems with the cage with the victim to be lowered into the ant-pit, because it only went half the way down and stopped at the waist instead of the neck.

When I got home from work, I met Miss s at Sir R's place, but since it was nothing happening there we took a tour around some other BDSM places she knew off. It ended with her having a 2 hour session in suspension with a lot of tease and pleasure, spiced up with a little bit of fear. Afterwards I had some real-life things I needed to tend to, so we parted.

Back at Sir R's place I sat gawking at a Mistress, a switch and a sub having an immensely intense conversation in invisible messages, unless they all were just AFK. After the Mistress had left, the switch and sub actually came up and said hi. They turned out to be from the same "clan" as one of my old slave sisters at Sir R's place. It ended with us having a long discussion about breast bondage and me showing of some of the creations I have on that theme.

When we were almost done, my friend c showed up again. I ended the evening together with her discussing relational problems both in real life, Second Life and the intersection of the two. Then it was very late and just time to write this blog before bedtime.

A jumpy day

After last blog-post my friend P and me went to check up a new torture addition with breasts bound with either metal cuffs or chains and tormented with barbed wire or chained piercings. It ended with us both getting the new things. While we were there we also met my friend p who was there for the same thing, even if she didn't buy anything. I was a little disappointed with the finish of the breast bondage though since it wasn't adapted well to the curvature of the chest. Otherwise it was just up my alley since breast torture is a favourite of mine.

After unpacking and preparing the new adornments we sat chatting while P fixed up a lot of her old things to fit her new body shape better. Finally I was so tired I almost fell asleep though and needed to leave for sleep. I did the mistake of passing by Sir R's place on the way home and bumped into among others my friends c and Mistress W again, and P and p also joined. It wasn't until an hour later I finally managed to tear lose and go to bed.

After a full 5 hours of resounding sleep I woke up and once more entered Second Life. A quick visit to Sir R's place brought nothing of interest so I continued to my job instead. There I nosed around some and discovered that two of my favourite places that disappeared in the rebuild were now back: one pony-girl taxi station and one shibari bondage garden that was now even more beautiful than the original.

I also got a long and nice chat with my employer Mistress I about her business in Second Life and some of her views and policies concerning BDSM and related things. I met a colleague there who I actually could help with some information about slavery and bondage from my own experiences both from real life and Second Life.

When I later returned to Sir R's place my friend z just came online. Today she was a real tease and first got me going pretty good, but for some reason we didn't go any further than chirping but instead slipped into much more serious and important things real-life. Our chat really meant a lot to me since z generously shared a lot of her own experiences with me and managed to calm some of my worries on the subject. I was sad when I had to leave to take care of some real-life business but I still left with a warm feeling from my time with z.

When I was done with my real-life business I returned to Sir R's place again. There was not so much of interest to me going on there but I at least could say hi to Sir D and then I met my friend p again. Together we visited a common acquaintance who was supposed to be in isolation, and had a nice time chatting and fooling around some before we split up again.

I felt fidgety so I returned to my job hoping for something interesting to happen. After having checked out a half-finished new bondage castle project Mistress I had informed me about before, I got a nice chat with one of the managers there, but that was about it. While there I messaged some with Mistress W and let her vent some steam over some technical issues she had concerning some of her neighbours in Second Life. Unfortunately I couldn't help much but I think she felt a bit better just from talking about it.

Back at Sir R's place again I ran into Sir N and had a long pleasant conversation about languages and nationalities in real life, and gender issues in Second Life. I ended the evening with a long chat and hug session with my friend c who showed up. We both seem to be equally amazed about how the other manages to put up with us, but at least I'm very happy that we obviously do.

Almost 24 hours

It's been some crazy 24 hours in Second Life. After yesterday's blog post I couldn't go to sleep but stayed awake for quite some time and experienced a rush hour I think I never saw before at Sir R's place. A lot of people were there including my friends p, c, Mistress W, c's Master, P, an old slave sister, m, many other more sporadic acquaintances and many I never remember seeing before. As usual when there are so many people I felt quite lost in the end.

I was actually happy when things started to calm down a bit and I found myself chatting with P and a common friend, the girl I helped out of her locked cuffs before. She's actually more domme than sub and started teasing me some about things that might happen to me. I was a bit fidgety already so that teasing actually hit home and got me more than a little bit interested. I like the girl and P was willing to vouch for her reliability, which is good enough for me. Time ran out however so I guess I'll have to wait and see if anything happens, but I don't think I would be quite impossible to persuade.

After P and I was left alone we took a quick tour of Sir R's castle to check on any new additions, but we didn't get very far before P's Master Sir D showed up. I then left them to themselves and got a few hours of sleep.

When I returned to Second Life I had first a brief run in with my friends P, c and k again, a little bit later also with p and Sir N, before my friend z showed up. I chatted some with her while also m and Sir R himself showed up and I chatted some with them as well. After m left and Sir R became occupied elsewhere, I tried a little girl-girl double-bondage idea with z. It proved to work very well and Sir R seemed quite interested in the possibilities of it as well.

After z had left I stayed on at Sir R's place and chatted a little with some visitors coming there. I saw Sir R was busy playing with a couple of his top slaves down in the dungeons but it didn't interest me all that much. Sir D and my old slave sister showed up again as well, and we chirped some before I needed to take care of a few other things before catching a couple of hours more of sleep.

While I was chirping with Sir D and my slave sister I was also contacted by Mistress I about an incident at my job where the former Sir M had showed up and harassed one of my colleagues to get in touch with me. Mistress I checked up on him and decided he wasn't someone she wanted on her lands, so she banned him from there and also send out a warning that meant he probably will be banned from several hundreds of sims more.

me, Mistress I, i and 1 more girl in photo session at my job


I hadn't really understood the magnitude of what the former Sir M had been up to, but Mistress I shared some information that concerned a lot more than him and was partly very scary, partly almost unreal. Basically much of the same things going on in real-life trafficking take place in Second Life as well. Some girls end up so bad in situations with manipulations and blackmail that their real lives are affected and sometimes destroyed as well. I realized I have been in touch with some of the groups working these schemes before without realizing what they were really up to.

me, Mistress I and 2 more girls in photo session at my job


Concerning the former Sir M, he ran into the wall already when he tried to force me to take the first step on the path that seem to lead to a lot of suffering for many other girls, simply because my aversions against those things he tried are so strong I dropped him there and then already.

i, me, Mistress I and 3 more girls in photo session at my job


When I woke up again, it was just in time to catch a notice about models needed for a photo shoot at my job. Since it was my friends Mistress I and i who handled it I couldn't resist going there because I had so much fun last I was photographed by and with them. The rest of the day was spent in a sometimes pretty wild photo-shoot with up to six more girls with a lot of fun and mischief. I was pretty well done by the end of it, both because of lack of sleep, the intensity and the length of it.

Dancing, chatting and playing

Yesterday evening I was late and meant to just make a quick visit in Second Life, but just after checking out Sir R's place as usual and about to head home to log out, Sir K showed up. I gathered my courage and took the chance to ask him back on my friends list, from which he has been missing for almost two months. At first he seemed unwilling but then he told me he was just teasing and granted me permission to add him. I was very happy when I finally could add him since I really like him a lot.

Then Sir K told me he was thinking about going to a jazz club dancing and I couldn't do much else but ask if he needed someone to escort him there. I was even happier when he accepted my offer and dressed up in the very smart suit I've seen him in once before. I dressed up in a light evening gown I thought was appropriate for the occasion and off we went.

I spent a lovely time with Sir K at the jazz club dancing the night away and chatting lightly until he decided it was getting too late for me (way past midnight my local time) and that he needed to make real-life dinner himself. We parted outside the jazz club and I went to bed very happy and content.

This morning I met my friend z at Sir R's place again. We had a long chat, and she told me some things about herself, which eased my mind quite a bit concerning some worries I had about her. She really is a very sweet and nice girl, but thankfully not quite as innocent and vulnerable as my first impressions of her. Unfortunately she still has some problems with some dom/mes and other slaves not being very nice to her.

We ended up in a very hot session when I played with her, and her response both during and after the play really touched my heart. She is just so lovely! Another slavegirl appeared while we were playing and started interfering, which got me quite irritated. I think I communicated my irritation very clearly to that other slave-girl because she backed off very quickly and humbly.

After having to leave the lovely z for real-life work and returning to Second Life later, I spent most of the afternoon and evening with my friend c. Unfortunately, she's still ill but I still had a very nice time with her, trying out the clothes she helped me buy earlier and chatting a lot about both real-life and Second Life relationships. I so wish for her to get better from her illness soon.

While chatting with c, I also got a report from my friend p about a real-life bondage-by-request she had performed at her job during the day. I had added a few suggestions to her original scheme, but even if she tried them they turned out to be a bit too hard on her. Still, her report was quite exciting and she always surprises me with how much she is able to endure.

Some real-life incidents really should have put me down for this weekend, but thanks to lovely friends like c, z and Sir K, things just feel mostly great instead. I will be spending some time in Second Life during the weekend for a change, and I really look forward to it, despite the reason for the opportunity is not so funny.

Friends, names and ideas

For once I slept long this morning, so I didn't have much time in Second Life. I spent it at first Sir R's place and then at my job, trying out a few new toys and examining the remaining new dungeons at my job. I must admit I'm disappointed with the rebuild at my job, taking away both much of the individual charm with many of the old dungeons and playgrounds, and many of the toys and furniture I liked.

This evening there will probably be no Second Life for me due to some real-life fun with friends. It's the first time in several weeks I meet some of them, and I've really had a bad conscience for neglecting them because of work and Second Life.

I discovered this morning that the clever name scheme I developed to present my friends on this blog but still let them keep some integrity doesn't always work out. The main problem is that when I started out, I had so few regular friends that collisions between the initials I use here were rare. I guess that has changed some lately. Before posting this blog I went through old posts and corrected some in them.

The major flaw was I mixed up s, a former slave sister still locked at Sir R's place, with a more recent friend, now named Miss s here. I also was inconsistent with using Miss and Mistress for some mainly domme friends of mine in a few places.

The naming convention I try to use consistently now is a common initial for submissive friends. Friends who are neither submissive nor dominant I will try and use a capital initial for. In some cases I may also use it to differentiate between friends, like with my favorite submissive amazon P and my former slave sister p still locked at Sir R's place.

With some girlfriends showing switch tendencies at least towards me, I may add a Miss before their initial, also partly to differentiate between them, like with my friend m and my colleague Miss m who played with me once, or my former slave sister s and my switching friend Miss s. Mainly dominant friends get a Master, Sir or Mistress before their initial.

I will probably not give new acquaintances own names in this blog before I know or believe they will be reappearing in my Second Life, and it's in no way meant to be disrespectful to them. I suspect I may need to revise this naming scheme again in the future, but I would hate having to start calling friends things like s3 or m7.

Related to the subject of friends and former slave sisters, yesterday it was exactly 4 months since my time as slave at Sir R's place ended. It's amazing both how fast time has passed since then, but also how much has happened. In a way it feels more like 4 years would have been required to make all the things that have happened possible. The time at Sir R's also was a kind of new start in Second Life for me, and the only friend I have left since before that time now is my guardian M.

Yesterday morning my guardian M dropped me a landmark for a suggested parcel for me to create my own home in Second Life. It's 1024 square meters in a lovely green area with a few other tasteful buildings and sloping down towards a river, even if it's not directly on the water. He said earlier that he could buy me a parcel of that size and let me use it for free, since it's within his present tier limit.

When I was there I couldn't help noticing a large area for sale at a seemingly decent price just neighboring the parcel M suggested me. The disappointment with the rebuild at my job, some ideas I got in other places and the decision to learn to build well enough to at least personalize my home with some own touches started some wild ideas in my head.

I am thinking about trying to create a public BDSM place after my own head. I want a place combining information, playgrounds, shops and art in a pleasant environment including gardens and secluded places for private meetings. The idea is probably not very novel, but I've never seen a twist of it quite to my taste.

M has got a lot of good information, partly already available at his institute, from which I already have permission to publish it on the web, and a lot more from an old web community of his. He has also produced some lovely BDSM art. I also know of some other BDSM artists and art photographers I would like to offer a place to exhibit their work. I would also like to offer a hand-picked selection of vendors from the very best creators of BDSM furniture, toys and clothes, and put up some of their items for use in the playgrounds and dungeons.

I'm no shrewd business woman, so I doubt I would ever make such a place break even, especially not since I'd be very discriminate about vendors and activities there. But I would really love to try and create such a place for people with similar views on and tastes in BDSM as myself. The cost is no real problem for me, but I would probably need some help with both learning to build and texture good enough, some scripting and management of the place.

Probably the idea will just remain a dream, owing to either bigger difficulties than I can foresee or simply because the place will be sold before I get around to it. I will however try to talk to M about it and hear his views on it, and if he will be able to help any with arrangements and building. After all, in one way it would be much like joining and extending his work with his gallery and institute, which has come to a halt now because of him lacking time and inspiration to continue it.

Renewed friendships

This morning I started off with my usual visit to Sir R's place. I managed to almost land on top off Sir R himself when I arrived by teleportation, and I hadn't even finished rezzing before he tried to control the shackles I wore then. He really does take any chance he has to capture another slave to his place. He should know I'm not sloppy with keys or relays around there any longer though.

I then spent some time chatting with my friends c, p and an old slave sister from my time as slave at Sir R's place. c told me and showed me pictures from a wedding she and my friend P had attended. After c and my slave sister had left, and p seemed to be away from keyboard, I saw the very sweet z log on, shackled to a pedestal. This time we spent time just talking, and even if she's so lovely and tempting I managed to keep my hands off her this time, and we made friends. She really seems very sweet and nice, so I'm very glad for that.

my all new friend P at her place


While I was talking with z, one of the newest "Masters" at Sir R's place approached us and started trying to sweet-talk at least me in a quite Gorean manner. Since I've encountered him before and both seen and heard of him in action, being nothing but an abusive jerk in most's opinion, I had a hard time trying to be correct to him, even if I didn't really have to. I was waiting for him to make a mistake so I could tear his head off, but he actually managed to keep in line until he decided neither z nor me was game and disappeared.

my all new friend P at her place


This evening I met my new friend n again. This time I invited her to see me at Sir R's place, and knowing some of her kinks, I was sure she'd find some things of interest there. When I demonstrated the gyn room to her, complete with dilator and enema, and gave her a helping hand or two with it, I think she really enjoyed herself. At least she was very emotional and grateful to me afterwards, probably because I helped her cum after keeping her on the edge for some 45 minutes while she held a large enema, one of her favourite kinks.

my all new friend P at her place


I then met with my friends P, c, s and Miss s again. P has been unhappy with her appearance for some time, and today she got herself a new skin for it. I was worried she would change her appearance so she wouldn't be recognizable, but she found a good balance between keeping enough of the old but still becoming even more beautiful than before. My evening ended with a photo-shoot in a studio of all P's friends for her photo album.

Job and friends

I dropped by Sir R's place this morning and there was a lot more people there than usual. Some of them I knew, but there were parts of the company that I'm not comfortable with, so I moved on quickly.

When I got to my Second Life job as greeter and guide in a BDSM sim, I met one of the managers and the chief technical officer there. It was nice starting the day off with a double hug from them, the manager because she's someone I'd like to count as a friend now and the CTO since we've only have had business before when I've reported various flaws I found to her. The CTO told us with a wink that she was now finished with the dungeons after the rebuild of the facility "in case we were interested".

The manager was on the way off her shift but I took the chance to look around some and examine the new dungeons, actually mainly to learn the new layout of the facility and be able to help visitors better. Most of the dungeon furniture were old but there were a few novelties that I couldn't resist trying out. At least I now have got the hang of the general new layout even if there are a lot of details I need to learn as well. I also messaged a little with my friend c but she was still not feeling very well.

In all honesty I liked the old layout of my job better than the present, even if it had some flaws as well. The new one lacks the charm of the varied playgrounds and dungeons of the old layout, with all the dungeons in a standard size and shape only themed by textures and minor interior differences. There also seem to be fewer toys, especially the shibari ones, and some of my favorite items and settings seem to be gone entirely.

On my way back from my job, I passed by Sir R's place again. It was almost empty then but I saw one obviously abusive "Master" going at the two remaining locked girls and violating them so badly one of them was forced out of character to stop him, and hardly even that helped. I've encountered, seen and heard about that "Master" before, and I'm surprised he's still around at all.

I didn't really know the abused girls, even if I met them before, chatted some with one of them and greeted the other, but I still felt with them and cared for them. The "Master" left before I could do anything, and what could I really have done, without authority and means? I had a short exchange with the girl seemingly having been worst abused, and she had reported the "Master" to Sir R already, but in all honesty I doubt that will make much of a difference.

This evening I chatted some with my friend c again. She sounded a little bit better, maybe because she was with her Master. Anyway, I left her alone and told her to take care of him instead of listening to my babbling.

my new friend n and me in M's gallery


I also made a new acquaintance and hopefully friend today, n, a cute Japanese submissive girl I met on Twitter and who seem to share some of my interests. She warned me she didn't have any friends because of her ways, so I was a little bit cautious, but so far I've had a very nice time with her and she seems very sweet. Her only problem may be her English, but it's good enough for me at least and far better than some other Japanese I met.

my new friend n trying M's bondage stake


She's also a bit more open about her BDSM and kink interests than I am, and in some ways maybe a bit more extreme, but I still find it hard to believe that would turn people away the way they seem to have done. She's about as much of a hug hog as I am, so I say so far so good. Unfortunately our time difference means a bit awkward times to meet, but hopefully we can overcome that. And no, I'm not domming her on the pictures, but she tried a bondage stake at my guardian M's gallery and I just couldn't resist picturing her there, with her permission to post here.

my new friend n en face


After n left for bed, I realized I hadn't been to M's gallery for quite some time. I used to camp pole-dancing there a lot earlier, but lately I just haven't felt quite comfortable with leaving my av vulnerable and exposed like that while I'm away from keyboard. But there I was, up on the pole again, although all alone, while tending to a few other things, like this blog.

Before signing off, I took the detour to Sir R's place as usual. There I found a poor girl left to drown in a water torture tank, but I drained the tank enough to leave her comfortably floating to take some weight off her shackled wrists. While I was at it, my friend s showed up as well, surprisingly sparsely shackled for once, so I had both a few hugs and a nice chat with her.

Another slave sister from my time as trial slave also showed up, jumping around tightly bound, gagged and plugged, and hosed me down with old snapshots of my predicaments then. It was a really nice reunion and stroll down memory lane, even if I couldn't help but pay back some old sins through her "chastity" belt. I think she was rather happy in the end though, when I let the belt make her cum in my arms, holding and comforting her while she came down again. Then I finally left for bed.

Submissive friends

This morning, my friend p returned after her one week vacation from Sir R's place in the shape of a very cute bondage mermaid. I've seen her like that a couple of times already, resting in a large clam-shell down by the beach, but now she was back for good this time. It looked both strange and mesmerizing seeing her swim with her tail fin and in gag and shackles over land as she came back.

She had also found a puppy outfit that she wanted to try, and I helped her out with getting the settings right so she would be accessible for puppy play for some of the people working at Sir R's place. If her mermaid outfit was cute, I think her puppy outfit was actually only demeaning, with a neon snout strapped on her face, and matching big paw mittens on hands and feet, and a puppy tail sticking straight up from her anal. But p is p, so I guess she will find some pleasure in that as well.

Before p showed up, I tried to keep some of the slaves locked at Sir R's place company, and of course I couldn't quite control my mischievous side but teased them some. However, one of the girls didn't seem comfortable with it so I backed off from her real quick. I don't know if she was acting it, if it was my gender or something else, but I really lose all lust when I sense the one I try to play with not enjoying it.

I also met my lovely submissive male friend mm at Sir R's place for the first time in many weeks. He still seemed as sweet and he still hadn't found an owner. It was very nice chatting with him and hugging him, and I hope so much for him to find a Mistress who deserves him and who can make him happy as well.

While I was helping p, Miss s showed up as well, and after p signed off for the night, Miss s and I went for some private playing. I think she and I are so much alike when it comes to "domming" despite us both being subs, both feeling equally awkward about taking control over the other. The difference I think is that I have now realized and accepted that I can't and don't need to go the full distance when I "domme", but keep it at a playful level which I'm comfortable with.

Miss s really did her best on me and got me going good, but somewhere I think she stepped over her own limits and felt too uncomfortable to continue, besides being really tired as well. I never meant to push her like that and I tried to tell her from the start that I just wanted some light play while under her control. She really seemed to feel bad about it though and it felt so unnecessary since she had already given me more than I asked for and in ways I really enjoyed.

I guess I feel equally bad because I put Miss s in a situation that made her feel bad even if it never was my intention. It's a pity because she's one of the very few persons I feel I can relax with enough to let go and just enjoy what's coming to me, without worrying about her going too far with me. In the state I am now, that's exactly what I need every once in a while, and I'm selfish enough to feel sorry if I make Miss s push herself so hard I lose that comfort with her.

This evening I spent some time chatting with my friends P, p and s at Sir R's place. c wasn't well and was with her Master so she couldn't join. p was her usual mischievous self despite still being the cute mermaid in bondage.

When P and s went shopping, and p seemed to be away from keyboard, I went to my Second Life job. There were some visitors there, and I also had a nice visit from my friend m, who dropped by in-between real-life appointments. All in all it was a rather calm evening, which suited me well because of much too little sleep the night before.

Shopping

Today my friends P and c double-teamed me taking me shopping. Let me tell you one thing, to be double-teamed by two shopping pros like them is about as intense as being a submissive and being double-teamed by two dominants both doing their level best on you.

But I really enjoyed the experience and come out of it a lot of nifty outfits richer, and at very reasonable prices too, since I believe P and c thought some about my economy not being as good as theirs when they picked shops with rather low prices and sales. I was after something rather casual but ended up with a beautiful evening gown in black and red and a rather daringly cut cream mini-dress.

In the end c went back on her refusal to be my personal shopper, so she and P found me a shop with jeans and tops, although perhaps not the casual but proper kind that is really my style. They persuaded me to buy a pair of worn out jeans and a very daring top that I haven't worn or dared wearing for some ten years in real-life.

Both c and P said I looked very hot in the outfit even if it might need some adjustments concerning accessories. I felt more like a milf trying to look ten years younger than my actual age, but I guess and hope it's partly because I'm not used to dressing like that. Anyway, I promised I'd try the outfit for some time to come, so we'll see if I get used to it or not. I probably will wear at least the cream mini-dress some as well, while the beautiful gown will have to wait for more appropriate circumstances.

I also got some freebie outfits in one of the shops we visited, of which I will probably never wear any part of one or two, while the other two may come in handy somehow. Either way, it was a great and intense experience, and I'm very grateful to c and P taking me on and helping me out, even if I guess I was a bit of a pain in the ass to them, both because of being a slow shopper and because of being so hesitant about some of their clothing advice.

After both c and P had left for real-life sleep, I visited my job in Second Life, which had been rebuilt during the weekend. It was far from finished yet, but I still got a hunch about the new design of it. That made me able to help at least one new visitor to find her way around it somehow, including politely dodge her passes at me. I also met the owner Mistress I again there and informed her of a few glitches I found in the reconstruction, which she promptly saw to were fixed.

Subbing and domming

I guess this is another one of those entries you who want to read about the slutty bimbo blonde having sex any which way with anyone should skip. For those of you who have started wondering when I will rename my blog to "suz domme" or "suz switch" it may be of some interest though.

For those of you masochistic enough to follow this blog, it's no secret that over the last couple of weeks I've been acting "dommish" three times with three different "victims". Not exactly what you expect from a sweet little submissive, right? I admit the first time it happened I was quite messed up myself as well and didn't quite understand what had gotten into me. But then it's like eating chips or killing people: after the first one the rest goes on auto-pilot, right? Sorry, not quite right.

In one way, the explanation I've come up with, with some help from a few friends who were kind enough to bash my head with the solid old brick to make my two brain cells collide in a favorable way, was really so simple I had to be very blonde not to see it from the start.

I am submissive, and my submissiveness really has three components. The first is an urge to please, and especially those I like and care about. The second is a desire to give up control, and especially to someone I trust to abuse the trust I have in them in the right way. And the third is my masochism, needing to feel some helplessness, pain and humiliation every once in a while.

Even if I can enjoy quite a lot of discomfort and suffering for my own sake when I'm in the right mood, it's no novelty for me to experience pleasure from the knowledge I please my dominant even if the actions aren't directly pleasurable to me in themselves. The step from pleasing a dominant that way to pleasing a submissive I care about by taking control over them really isn't all that long.

Now, I don't really get any direct pleasure from controlling anyone but knowing it's pleasing someone I care about still makes it worthwhile. The hardest part for me is probably that it makes me excited, frustrated and envious from my imagining and wishing I was the one under that control instead.

Part of the reason I didn't see this simple explanation before is probably I've been stuck in the foolish old notion of trying to fit my "tag" as submissive. A submissive doesn't tie people up and give them a hard time, right? Maybe a submissive doesn't, but if it pleases people I care enough about, then I do, regardless of what it makes others want to call me or not.

I guess the reason why I all by a sudden have become so much "domme" is because I finally saw the writing on the wall. Some things happening around me made me realize I don't need to be a "real" domme and go the full distance, which I could never be comfortable with, but stick within limits I'm able to handle. It's silly really, because I told a dear friend of mine exactly that several months back, but I never saw it applying to myself as well.

I'm also not all indiscriminate about who I would want to please by "domming" them. Despite most of the people on my friends list being people I really like and care about, and who I've met in BDSM-related contexts, there are only 7 out of the 26 that I would be willing to "domme" if I knew they wanted me to.

I've also been thinking some about how far I could go to please someone by "domming" them. So far I've only kept those I "dommed" helpless and teased them with sexual pleasure and some denial, and that hasn't been any real problem for me. But I think my limit is where I would begin to feel some real discomfort or pain myself. I think, and partly know, I would be OK with pinching a nipple hard, giving a few playful swats on an ass-cheek, nipping a cock or clit lightly with my teeth, but hardly much beyond that. And if the one I was playing with showed any signs of real discomfort even before that, I would probably back off real quick.

I've also been pondering some on how I would respond if my owner or someone I saw as pure dom/me would request me to "domme" them. In one way it probably would feel strange, but on the other hand I know that the three best dom/mes I know both real-life and in Second Life at least occasionally switch. That doesn't affect my respect for them or make me see them as any less dominant when they've dominated me, even if I've only been dominated by two of them. Actually, my general impression is that the best dom/mes are the ones who have experience from the other side as well.

I think my main problem with domming my dom/me would be me being so eager to do my very best, despite being so inexperienced, that any slip would make me devastated. Not because I would be afraid of punishment for it but because those I truly submit to are people who I think really deserve the very best and then I don't want to fail them regardless of how I'm requested or given the chance to please them.

So, even if some probably would say I should give up my submissive tag and grab at least the switch tag, in my mind my identity is still as a submissive. But whenever I'm in the mood, and someone I care about in the right way is in need, I won't let that identity stop me from pleasing them in ways we both enjoy, directly or indirectly, just like a good little submissive always should be willing to do.

Beware of BDSM schools

This morning I entered Second Life late so I didn't have time for more than teleporting around a little. I messaged some with my friends P and c, who were having fun at c's favorite biker hangout, but because I was so short on time I didn't really feel like going there just to have to leave when I had gotten started. Instead I bumped into my friend s tied up tight as usual at Sir R's place, and we had a nice little chat where she suggested some dom she thought I might like. I'll at least keep an eye open, since I think s and I have similar preferences in some respects.

A couple of failures with Masters lately made me start thinking about what they had in common, and one striking thing was that they both attended BDSM schools but at different places. I actually managed to get hold of some kind of curriculums for both those places, and even if they weren't very detailed, they gave me some notion on what they were about.

I've attended a couple of courses for submissives myself, at different slave auction houses I was thinking about letting sell me, but in all honesty those very courses were much of the reason I didn't go through with my plans. Those courses really had nothing to do with BDSM or D/s (dominance and submission) as I know it, but just relayed stereotypical roles for stereotypical role-plays. You know, a "real" dom/me should always be like this, and a "real" sub should always be like that.

Browsing the curriculums of the BDSM schools gave me much the same impression, even if they didn't specify the exact content. Topics like emoting classes, role-playing classes, the submissive mind, the responsibilities of a dominant, introducing the beginner, etiquette for the dominant and etiquette for the submissive at least gives me a hint of that "this is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

Looking back at the two products of those two schools, they both had a lot in common. Both managed to present themselves as very pleasant and caring (dominant etiquette?), and both spoke in pretty elaborate ways (role-playing classes?) and made some partly quite good attempts of emoting (emoting classes?). But in both cases, those nice facades just fell apart as soon as scratched even the slightest, revealing your average horny guy just out for some fast virtual sex and probably believing submissives to be easy prey for that.

Oh, admitted, I really fell for both those charades, because I didn't even think about what I saw could be the stereotype result of such schools. However, those schools seem to be better at teaching people to paint a picture than those brief submissive courses I attended at least. But painting that stereotype role-playing facade seem to be all they are good at teaching as well.

I think I would like to give one piece of advice to those thinking about attending such schools. If you don't have the dominance or submissiveness more in your heart than you need to be taught about it, then you should probably start thinking about if that's really what you are meant for. But if you're just out to try yet another kind of role-play, then I'm sure you could find both the teaching and the results from those schools worth-while.

Personally I prefer the kind of "self-study course" my guardian M has set up at his BDSM Institute. It's provocative and doesn't present any simple, ready-made answers to memorize. And if you manage to interpret all of his statements as the gospel concerning BDSM, then you're really even crazier than I am. I know him well and that he and I share many views on BDSM, but not even I can accept all he presents there, which I think is exactly his intention as well.

Anyway, the next time I run into someone telling me he or she is attending BDSM classes or brags about having graduated, I'll probably start looking for the nicest way in the opposite direction.

Friendship

Twenty-six. Soon three years in Second Life and that's all my friends list sports, and I'm very happy for it. I've met people who have had hundreds of "friends" in their list. Many use it as some kind of address stash where they try to put everyone they meet. I've had countless requests for friendship from people I never even chatted with or who have sent a request after just a "Hi".

However, my friends list is what it really says, a list of friends. I know all the people in it, most of them rather well even, and I've been in contact with all of them but two over the last couple of weeks. Five of them will probably go in the near future though, since they are more of business contacts from my job or "accidents" I felt I couldn't refuse friendship in the moment they asked, but doubt I have enough in common with to keep in touch with.

I'm very hesitant to ask even people I really like to accept my friendship, because it always feels like I'm clinging onto them and I'm afraid they may accept the request just to get rid of it without explanations. Browsing through the list, I remember many of the moments when I either jumped from joy over the friendship request I received or how I was sweating waiting for an accept or deny on the few occasions I've dared ask for friendship myself.

At the very bottom of the list there is a new name. Or it isn't really new but there has been a big, empty, ugly hole in its place for so long. For the last month and a half I've more or less cringed every time I've seen the unfamiliar end of the list with that big hole almost swallowing it. This morning I finally got both the chance and the courage to try and fill it. I didn't dare request friendship but asked if there was any chance of ever filling that hole. The silent moments following that question must have been among the worst I ever experienced. I already started to excuse myself and apologize when suddenly a friendship request popped up. It just made me break down completely in tears from happiness and I don't know how long it took before I could say something coherent again after pushing the accept button.

The irony of it is that I dared ask at all because I told myself I was over things, that it didn't matter all that much to me any longer if I got turned down on just a casual question about friendship. How wrong I was. Someone told me I've been lucky in taking chances lately, and I guess that's so true that if I'd bought any lottery tickets I'd probably be a multi-millionaire by now.

Apart from that, did anything of significance happen this morning? I chatted some with my friend P, who was on the loose from her Sir D and out shopping with Sir N. What else would a girl who has been locked down for weeks do when she's free??? My friend c was missing her Master, who was ill, but distracted herself with partying away with her wild biker bunch. I actually managed to snatch back friendship from Sir R as well, another month and a half old hole in my friends list, just before hugging him so hard he crashed or fled from me. My guardian M also turned up to take care of his slave, as usual just before I was about to leave to prepare for work. I had time to exchange a few words with him before I had to leave though.

Oh, and I was about to tear another head of some seemingly wannabe new "Master" at Sir R's place who started at me with why I wasn't a slave. After yesterday evening and a few other encounters the last week, my tolerance with such jerks is a bit below zero. I know I should control myself at least around Sir R's place though, both because of my respect for Sir R and because of all those poor slaves locked down there without enough attention as it is. I don't know if so many of them would have really missed that particular "Master" though. As it was now he was saved by the bell, or rather by Mistress W unexpectedly showing up so I had an excuse to ignore him for far more interesting and nice company.

Mistress W added a bit to my thoughts about gender distribution by telling me that Linden Labs' own estimate a couple of years back was that 30% of all girls in Second Life are really gurls (guys acting as girls), and I think that may be close to the truth. After my experiences with "Masters" lately, I also have a new understanding for those "bi but don't want to be touched by men" girls that some brand as gurls on sight but that I'm not so sure about any longer.

This evening I met my friends P, c and m at Sir R's place plus a few other acquaintances. My friend p was there as well, floating around as a very cute and bound mermaid in a huge clamshell down by the beach, but unfortunately she was AFK. c was quite upset and sad because she had put a lot of efforts into a party for a friend of hers who was getting married and then the bride didn't even show up for the party. m complained about me being overdressed and suddenly P started a strip contest, which she and I were the only ones joining though.

Later I met my friend d at my job, and we were fooling around some there since there weren't many visitors anyway. It ended with me having her locked in a bifurcator stock and playing with and teasing her with pure pleasure on the edge of orgasm for an hour and a half before I finally let her cum. I guess that was mainly sweet payback with some interest and bonuses for the last time she had me in her clutches, but she seemed very happy with it afterwards so I was happy as well.

Rendezvous

This morning I met Sir M again for the first time since I "broke him in". I have been wanting to for a long time, but we have managed to pass each other by being AFK or busy. He had developed some since I first met him, obviously reading up on what is expected from a Master and taking on some own slaves. It was cute the way he almost apologized for the latter, but I would have been really surprised if a Master with his qualities had managed to stay solo over the time since I met him.

Even if I think Sir M would be better off if he followed his own mind instead of trying to fill some template for how a Master should be, he still had much of the lovely qualities I appreciated in him already the first time I met him. I really wanted to talk to him about his ways as a Master, but I think he's already too much of a Master to take lectures from a silly submissive with strange ideas, plus time didn't really permit it anyway.

Of course I managed to mess up a bit with Sir M during a light play session we had, and unfortunately we didn't have it all sorted out before I needed to leave, but I think that mess taught us both a bit more about each other and our expectations. Anyway, I really love the way he manages to combine that slightly tense feeling I usually get with strict Masters with the more relaxed feeling I usually only get with other girls. I will try not to build too high expectations before we have sorted everything out, but I really hope I will see more of him.

Before I met Sir M I also found some time to message some with my friend c. I was very happy to hear that she seemed better now than when I talked to her last. Hopefully she will get even better from her illness soon since I really felt so sorry for her when she was so ill and depressed as she was then. While I was with Sir M, my friend p also messaged me and I had a bit of a guilty conscience for cutting her short, but hopefully I can make it up to her.

The problems with meeting Sir M have made me realize my ease of connecting with people really becomes a problem when I work in a public place the way I do now. I meet so many new and nice people but then I get stressed and a guilty conscience by not finding time to maintain the connections I make at the level I think they deserve. Also, since my dearest friends are still mainly those I met at or around Sir R's place, I want to give them priority both for my own sake and for theirs. I guess I must learn to be more restrictive in making new friends and say no to befriending at least some even of those I like.

In the evening I chatted some with my friends P, c and p, plus had an overdose of wannabe jerk masters. The creep formerly known as Sir M is now off my friends list and muted, and there's another one standing in line waiting to cough in the wrong tone to get the same treatment. Jeeez, I sometimes am so blonde that platinum seems brunette when it comes to believing in people! I will hand back my keys and ownerships of restraints to my guardian M where I should have left them all to start with so I stop risking doing stupid things with stupid people.

Gender

This morning I spent an hour almost entirely alone at my Second Life job before I gave up and went partying with my friend c and her wild biker bunch. It was fun and just enough people for me not to be neither bored nor panic from the crowd. This evening I really had too much real-life stuff to handle to find time to visit Second Life more than shortly. I met my friend s and did a little number on her, and chatted some with my friend p and Sir M, but that was about it. Ah well, I guess a lot of people got a well-deserved rest from me.

I know I've said that peoples' real-life gender doesn't mean that much to me when I meet them in Second Life, but I haven't really been able to get the thoughts about it out of my head lately. There are people who have stated to me they are really the opposite sex to their avatars or that they have alts including both male and female avatars. All of those so far say that they are males in real life. I have also met many especially lesbian or bisexual females in Second Life that I'm almost certain of are male in real-life.

When I've asked a few of those who have stated that they are males in real life why they have female avatars in Second Life they've said it's either because it's fun trying something different or because there are so much more accessories to female avatars that it's too dull being male. However, when I've asked some real-life male friends why they think males play females in Second Life, they both believed it was because some men found it appealing to be in total control of even a virtual woman and in a sexual context to be kind of your own porn flick director.

To me all those explanations seem plausible and not exclusive of one another.

I don't know how common it is with males acting as females in Second Life but if I look among the "female" friends I have, there are rather few of them that behaves in ways that make me suspect they might be males real-life. But then again, there are many potential acquaintances I've discarded because they've seemed very "flat", and among them I guess there may be a much higher frequency of males just using a female avatar for visual or purely sexual purposes.

In the BDSM playgrounds I've visited there have been an excess of submissive female avatars. Several people I know in Second Life have stated the same figures of about 20-25 submissives for every good dom/me, and then few of those submissives are males but many of those dominants are females as well. My impression is that the ratio is not quite as high but at least 4-5 submissives for every dominant I consider worth having.

For some reason my own conclusion has been and my gut feeling still is that a lot of those submissive females and quite a few of the dominant ones as well must be males acting as females, just from the numbers of them. But then again, there are also a lot of hard facts indicating that really doesn't have to be the case.

First of all, I'm a female submissive myself, and even if I must admit I probably wouldn't have been in Second Life without a guardian who patiently helped me get over all those tech thresholds that would have deterred me otherwise, I'm here and one of that excess of submissive females.

From myself and my real-life female friends I assume the high tech level in Second Life is deterring to females, but many of the females I meet in Second Life state to be a lot younger than I am, and I know from friends with teenage daughters they often don't seem to have any problems with the tech in video games and on the Internet but quite contrary often help both their mothers and fathers with technical issues regarding computers, cell phones and digital cameras.

There are also a lot of studies claiming that females now are far more active than males when it comes to social media like FaceBook, blogs and chats on the Internet, while males are more active when it comes to pure gaming. I know there are pure gaming and combat sims in Second Life but I never been to those so I don't know the gender ratios there. In the BDSM sims I visit there is also much social interaction going on, so I guess that would fit with the studies showing females are more active in that context.

Even if I guess I've been a bit selective when it comes to making friends on the Internet, since I haven't done it for sexual purposes before starting to play with BDSM in Second Life, it's true that most of my friends and the most active ones on FaceBook, MySpace, MSN, my "real-life" blog and Twitter are females, at least as far as I know them, but I find it hard to believe many males swap gender there just to chit-chat with females.

Some years ago I was also a member of a local BDSM community, and despite the large majority (80-85%) of the members there being male, it was more common than not that there was a majority of females on the community website chat, and also that there was a close to 50-50 gender ratio on the real-life arrangements like munches, workshops and non-play parties. Since I met most of the active girls on the chat real-life as well, I know they were really girls.

So I guess I really should try to drop that gut feeling about very many of the "girls" in Second Life being "gurls" (guys acting as girls), because even if I know some actual cases and have reason to suspect a number of more, there really is no hard evidence supporting it being a massive phenomenon.

Even if "gurls" was a common phenomenon, it wouldn't have to be a bad thing. I discussed it with a friend of mine in Second Life the other day, and even if we both don't mind playing with other girls there, she claims to be mainly heterosexual in real-life, and I think I'm even more so than she is. So if some of the "girls" we played with turned out to be real-life guys, it would almost be a relief to at least my sexual preferences that are a bit messed up in Second Life, and she stated something similar. She is also someone I would be truly shocked by if she turned out to be a "gurl", because even if we never "gender-verified", I find it very hard to believe she's managed to deceive me considering how well I believe we know each other.

When it comes to myself, I guess I shouldn't be surprised if some people believe I'm a "gurl". I'm paranoid enough about being identified not to be willing to give out photos, go on cam or even use voice, which according to many is a sure sign of me being a "gurl". Some of my real-life personality, where I'm a skilled professional in a leading position, probably spills over into Second Life sometimes and may not be considered all that girlish by everyone, especially not from a submissive girl.

Since English isn't my first language, that also makes me feel uncomfortable about using voice. I'm no way near as good at speaking English as some seem to think I am writing it, when I have the time to think, phrase and correct myself while typing. I'm also a bit concerned about voice from my partner disturbing my immersion, if the voice is all wrong with the appearance or if I hear someone panting and jacking off while I want to believe the person is all cool and in full control.

English not being my first language also handicaps me some when typing, since I don't know all the fine "girlish" nuances of it I probably should use. Many of the expressions used among girls nowadays, like "girlfriend", "luv", "hun", "sweetie" and a few others, didn't even exist or had a quite different meaning when I was taught The Queen's English in school some 20 years ago. But then again, of course all this may be just excuses from some rough Midwest truck driver who knows he can't act girlish enough to fool everyone...

I guess I better step off my soapbox now so people can melt the shock of me being somewhat serious in my blog for once. I'll finish of with a few thoughts expressed in words.

my body, Your canvas
my soul, Your light
me, Your art
Your ropes, Your chisel
Your whip, Your brush
Your will, Your sketch
You!

Sunday and Monday

Sunday afternoon I was invited to Mistress C's castle and it was very nice to see her again. I also met her pet n, a very sweet and fun kitten girl with whom I connected well. We chatted some, and then Mistress C wanted some snapshots of herself and n, n and me, and finally herself and me. I think she really starts to see me as a potential family member, but even if I really like her and n, I'm still not sure if it's right for me when I feel I'm ready to commit again. I guess time will tell.

Mistress C and her pet n at their castle


When I later went to Sir R's playground, I found Sir R himself there. I decided to take the chance to ask him back on my friends list, where I lost him in the turmoil when Mistress W and I broke up. He accepted, but disappeared teleporting away, logging out or crashing before I managed to finish the befriending. But at least I know he's willing now, so hopefully I can catch him later to finish it.

n and me at Mistress C's castle


I also met Miss s "on duty" at Sir R's place, welcoming and helping visitors. I decided to kneel by her side, in one of my more provocative outfits including cuffs, gag and obedience belt, to make her look good with a pet by her side. Despite she's probably no more domme than I am, and tries to play with me solely to please me, I think I triggered something in her, because she wanted me on a leash and crawling after her like a dog. I complied willingly, and later she took me to another rather crowded playground for some public exposure and play. There we also met Miss m from my job by pure coincident I think. The lag was so bad though that she was gone before I managed to say hi to her, and soon Miss s had to leave for real-life as well, so I decided to go to bed.

Mistress C and me at her castle


Monday morning I spent some time at Sir R's place again, even if it was almost empty there. I messaged some with my friend c, who was really in a bad mood because of illness, and my attempts to cheer her up didn't help much I'm afraid. I spent the rest of the morning at my job and invited my friend k there, since she was as lonely and bored as I was without her Sir K. We looked around at some of the dungeons and play areas at my job, where she managed to get caught by her RLV relay, before she needed to leave for real life.

I stayed a while longer at my job and got the chance to help a couple of visitors out in explaining how RLV, relays and the play areas worked. I actually think my own lack of technical knowledge helps some in those situations, since I can't explain things any more complicated than what I can grasp myself. That seems to be appreciated by at least some visitors. Just before I decided to call it a morning and prepare for real-life work, I saw my guardian M come online, and I got the chance to say good morning to him before I left.

Monday evening I spent most of the time with my friend P talking about this and that. Firs we tried to help a common friend who had gotten herself locked up, but without much success. Our common friend s showed up as well but we parted when P needed to leave for sleep. Afterwards I messaged some with my friends d and p while I sat alone at Sir R's place. I also chatted some with a new slave who showed up there and ran into the girl P and I tried to help before. In the end I managed to show her how she could reset her cuffs to make them unlock, since she didn't seem to mind cheating like that.