Magic lost

Delayed post from Saturday, June 19, 2010, owing to Internet outage.

Immersion. Things unreal becoming your reality. Things in your head becoming so physical you can sense them, feel them, smell them, taste them, hear them. Imagination or hallucination? Dream or delusion?

Before, I couldn't stop from immersing in Second Life. What happened in-world made an as strong impact on me as if it had happened in real life. Things that scared me in real life scared me in Second Life. Things that made me uncomfortable in real life made me uncomfortable in Second Life as well.

Lately I feel that has started to change. When I've played with people, immersion has not come automatically, but I've had to try and suggest or force myself into it. And I haven't even really done it for my own sake, for my longing after that reality, but because I've wanted to please the ones I've played with, to give them the "full" me.

More than once it's felt more or less silly in the end, looking at a bunch of pixels supposed to resemble myself, shaped by graphical additions supposed to resemble ropes and cuffs, into something that would be exciting and desirable real-life. Yes, the excitement has been there, my fingers have been inside my panties even, but I haven't lived it the way I used to.

I try to tell myself that the change really isn't a change, but just depends on the circumstances lately. I'm not owned, I haven't found anyone worthy of my immersion and full submission, no-one with the personality or ways that sends me down into immersion and whirling out into subspace. Looking back, the immersion and submission I experienced before still feels real and not just some role-playing, and that gives me some hope. But I more and more doubt I will ever get back to that lovely and desirable state again.

Still, my needs are so strong that I can't stop trying at least. And my urge to please are strong enough to try my best to hide my disappointment and frustration every time I find myself looking at a mess of pixels instead of raveling in immersion and drifting in subspace. But when I stand back and look at it, I can't help but wondering how much longer I will find it worthwhile even trying, how much longer before Second Life turns into just some graphically glorified chat for me, a mean just to keep in touch with the few real friends I have here. And that is a sad thought, at least as long as the memories of something much more lingers.

Making friends

This morning I met Miss t for the first time in ages when I visited Sir R's place. She was at play with one of the slave girls there and doing an as thorough job as I remember her doing back when we both were Mistress W's girls. You can't do much but stand mesmerized when she's "at work" and don't know if you should feel sorry for or be envious of her "victim". Her fantastic emoting skills would probably put you in a trance so you wouldn't bother about which in her hands though.

I finally got my courage up and begged her to accept an offer to come back on my friends list and when she accepted it I couldn't help bursting into tears. I did her so wrong those months ago when I removed her from that list and I'm so grateful she could forgive me enough to come back on it. I had to leave for real-life work soon after that, and even if I managed to steal a hug from Sir R on my way out it didn't feel all that important to Miss t's friendship.

When I returned to Second Life this evening I had received a message from Mistress I about further developments on my issue with the former Sir M. Even if the development seems to be good in the eyes of Mistress I, I would rather see that it's just done with though.

I also met Miss F, the girl I once helped with her locked cuffs, at Sir R's place. We ended up in some kind of negotiation about possible future playing, but unfortunately it was cut short by ringing phones and dinners real-life. I like her and feel I can trust her, and she seems interested in me, so it's possible something might happen there some time.

While I was writing this, I exchanged a few messages with Mistress W about her land problems, and it seems like she has some ideas to deal with them, I really hope she manages. Now I'm dead tired from much too little sleep and today’s activities real-life, so I'll sign off early and go to bed.

Play and lessons learned

You realize your getting desperately frustrated when you find yourself standing gawking mesmerized at other subs being taken care of by their own and various other dom/mes at BDSM playgrounds. Today it feels like I spent half my time in Second Life doing that.

Apart from that I spent a short time with my friends P and c while P tried to learn flying something she won in a contest before I managed to finally go to bed.

When I woke up again I went to Sir R's place to find my friends c, Mistress W and Sir N there. I think Mistress W was there because of some severe problems with lag one of her neighbours create with an over-populated sex club. Anyway, we chatted and had some fun, and P joined for a short while as well.

I found out there is a limit to how much teasing certain dommes can take when I found myself with two bull-whip welts across my ass for having wiggled it a little bit too much at Sir N. A slight association slip with my ponytail gave me the inspiration to quickly slip into my ponygirl outfit, and I think that quite literally saved both my butt and me from becoming a (striped) zebra without my own doing.

I admit I had those lashes coming, but a bullwhip from a cold start is a bit too harsh for me, so I guess I'll refrain from giving Sir N another excuse to bring it to me. It was a lot more fun prancing around like his ponygirl like I did afterwards despite my stinging butt. Unfortunately I had to cut it short to prepare for my real-life job.

Today I decided to test my new mobile Internet by bringing my private laptop to my real-life job and use the lunch break to surf Second Life some. At Sir R's place I met my friend c again and Sir R himself. Sir R seemed less stressed and distract than usual and he took the time to set up his riding horse so I could ride it like I had before but not been able to for some time. I also saw his ant pits in use for the first time, even in there seemed to be some technical problems with the cage with the victim to be lowered into the ant-pit, because it only went half the way down and stopped at the waist instead of the neck.

When I got home from work, I met Miss s at Sir R's place, but since it was nothing happening there we took a tour around some other BDSM places she knew off. It ended with her having a 2 hour session in suspension with a lot of tease and pleasure, spiced up with a little bit of fear. Afterwards I had some real-life things I needed to tend to, so we parted.

Back at Sir R's place I sat gawking at a Mistress, a switch and a sub having an immensely intense conversation in invisible messages, unless they all were just AFK. After the Mistress had left, the switch and sub actually came up and said hi. They turned out to be from the same "clan" as one of my old slave sisters at Sir R's place. It ended with us having a long discussion about breast bondage and me showing of some of the creations I have on that theme.

When we were almost done, my friend c showed up again. I ended the evening together with her discussing relational problems both in real life, Second Life and the intersection of the two. Then it was very late and just time to write this blog before bedtime.

Almost 24 hours

It's been some crazy 24 hours in Second Life. After yesterday's blog post I couldn't go to sleep but stayed awake for quite some time and experienced a rush hour I think I never saw before at Sir R's place. A lot of people were there including my friends p, c, Mistress W, c's Master, P, an old slave sister, m, many other more sporadic acquaintances and many I never remember seeing before. As usual when there are so many people I felt quite lost in the end.

I was actually happy when things started to calm down a bit and I found myself chatting with P and a common friend, the girl I helped out of her locked cuffs before. She's actually more domme than sub and started teasing me some about things that might happen to me. I was a bit fidgety already so that teasing actually hit home and got me more than a little bit interested. I like the girl and P was willing to vouch for her reliability, which is good enough for me. Time ran out however so I guess I'll have to wait and see if anything happens, but I don't think I would be quite impossible to persuade.

After P and I was left alone we took a quick tour of Sir R's castle to check on any new additions, but we didn't get very far before P's Master Sir D showed up. I then left them to themselves and got a few hours of sleep.

When I returned to Second Life I had first a brief run in with my friends P, c and k again, a little bit later also with p and Sir N, before my friend z showed up. I chatted some with her while also m and Sir R himself showed up and I chatted some with them as well. After m left and Sir R became occupied elsewhere, I tried a little girl-girl double-bondage idea with z. It proved to work very well and Sir R seemed quite interested in the possibilities of it as well.

After z had left I stayed on at Sir R's place and chatted a little with some visitors coming there. I saw Sir R was busy playing with a couple of his top slaves down in the dungeons but it didn't interest me all that much. Sir D and my old slave sister showed up again as well, and we chirped some before I needed to take care of a few other things before catching a couple of hours more of sleep.

While I was chirping with Sir D and my slave sister I was also contacted by Mistress I about an incident at my job where the former Sir M had showed up and harassed one of my colleagues to get in touch with me. Mistress I checked up on him and decided he wasn't someone she wanted on her lands, so she banned him from there and also send out a warning that meant he probably will be banned from several hundreds of sims more.

me, Mistress I, i and 1 more girl in photo session at my job


I hadn't really understood the magnitude of what the former Sir M had been up to, but Mistress I shared some information that concerned a lot more than him and was partly very scary, partly almost unreal. Basically much of the same things going on in real-life trafficking take place in Second Life as well. Some girls end up so bad in situations with manipulations and blackmail that their real lives are affected and sometimes destroyed as well. I realized I have been in touch with some of the groups working these schemes before without realizing what they were really up to.

me, Mistress I and 2 more girls in photo session at my job


Concerning the former Sir M, he ran into the wall already when he tried to force me to take the first step on the path that seem to lead to a lot of suffering for many other girls, simply because my aversions against those things he tried are so strong I dropped him there and then already.

i, me, Mistress I and 3 more girls in photo session at my job


When I woke up again, it was just in time to catch a notice about models needed for a photo shoot at my job. Since it was my friends Mistress I and i who handled it I couldn't resist going there because I had so much fun last I was photographed by and with them. The rest of the day was spent in a sometimes pretty wild photo-shoot with up to six more girls with a lot of fun and mischief. I was pretty well done by the end of it, both because of lack of sleep, the intensity and the length of it.

Submissive friends

This morning, my friend p returned after her one week vacation from Sir R's place in the shape of a very cute bondage mermaid. I've seen her like that a couple of times already, resting in a large clam-shell down by the beach, but now she was back for good this time. It looked both strange and mesmerizing seeing her swim with her tail fin and in gag and shackles over land as she came back.

She had also found a puppy outfit that she wanted to try, and I helped her out with getting the settings right so she would be accessible for puppy play for some of the people working at Sir R's place. If her mermaid outfit was cute, I think her puppy outfit was actually only demeaning, with a neon snout strapped on her face, and matching big paw mittens on hands and feet, and a puppy tail sticking straight up from her anal. But p is p, so I guess she will find some pleasure in that as well.

Before p showed up, I tried to keep some of the slaves locked at Sir R's place company, and of course I couldn't quite control my mischievous side but teased them some. However, one of the girls didn't seem comfortable with it so I backed off from her real quick. I don't know if she was acting it, if it was my gender or something else, but I really lose all lust when I sense the one I try to play with not enjoying it.

I also met my lovely submissive male friend mm at Sir R's place for the first time in many weeks. He still seemed as sweet and he still hadn't found an owner. It was very nice chatting with him and hugging him, and I hope so much for him to find a Mistress who deserves him and who can make him happy as well.

While I was helping p, Miss s showed up as well, and after p signed off for the night, Miss s and I went for some private playing. I think she and I are so much alike when it comes to "domming" despite us both being subs, both feeling equally awkward about taking control over the other. The difference I think is that I have now realized and accepted that I can't and don't need to go the full distance when I "domme", but keep it at a playful level which I'm comfortable with.

Miss s really did her best on me and got me going good, but somewhere I think she stepped over her own limits and felt too uncomfortable to continue, besides being really tired as well. I never meant to push her like that and I tried to tell her from the start that I just wanted some light play while under her control. She really seemed to feel bad about it though and it felt so unnecessary since she had already given me more than I asked for and in ways I really enjoyed.

I guess I feel equally bad because I put Miss s in a situation that made her feel bad even if it never was my intention. It's a pity because she's one of the very few persons I feel I can relax with enough to let go and just enjoy what's coming to me, without worrying about her going too far with me. In the state I am now, that's exactly what I need every once in a while, and I'm selfish enough to feel sorry if I make Miss s push herself so hard I lose that comfort with her.

This evening I spent some time chatting with my friends P, p and s at Sir R's place. c wasn't well and was with her Master so she couldn't join. p was her usual mischievous self despite still being the cute mermaid in bondage.

When P and s went shopping, and p seemed to be away from keyboard, I went to my Second Life job. There were some visitors there, and I also had a nice visit from my friend m, who dropped by in-between real-life appointments. All in all it was a rather calm evening, which suited me well because of much too little sleep the night before.

Subbing and domming

I guess this is another one of those entries you who want to read about the slutty bimbo blonde having sex any which way with anyone should skip. For those of you who have started wondering when I will rename my blog to "suz domme" or "suz switch" it may be of some interest though.

For those of you masochistic enough to follow this blog, it's no secret that over the last couple of weeks I've been acting "dommish" three times with three different "victims". Not exactly what you expect from a sweet little submissive, right? I admit the first time it happened I was quite messed up myself as well and didn't quite understand what had gotten into me. But then it's like eating chips or killing people: after the first one the rest goes on auto-pilot, right? Sorry, not quite right.

In one way, the explanation I've come up with, with some help from a few friends who were kind enough to bash my head with the solid old brick to make my two brain cells collide in a favorable way, was really so simple I had to be very blonde not to see it from the start.

I am submissive, and my submissiveness really has three components. The first is an urge to please, and especially those I like and care about. The second is a desire to give up control, and especially to someone I trust to abuse the trust I have in them in the right way. And the third is my masochism, needing to feel some helplessness, pain and humiliation every once in a while.

Even if I can enjoy quite a lot of discomfort and suffering for my own sake when I'm in the right mood, it's no novelty for me to experience pleasure from the knowledge I please my dominant even if the actions aren't directly pleasurable to me in themselves. The step from pleasing a dominant that way to pleasing a submissive I care about by taking control over them really isn't all that long.

Now, I don't really get any direct pleasure from controlling anyone but knowing it's pleasing someone I care about still makes it worthwhile. The hardest part for me is probably that it makes me excited, frustrated and envious from my imagining and wishing I was the one under that control instead.

Part of the reason I didn't see this simple explanation before is probably I've been stuck in the foolish old notion of trying to fit my "tag" as submissive. A submissive doesn't tie people up and give them a hard time, right? Maybe a submissive doesn't, but if it pleases people I care enough about, then I do, regardless of what it makes others want to call me or not.

I guess the reason why I all by a sudden have become so much "domme" is because I finally saw the writing on the wall. Some things happening around me made me realize I don't need to be a "real" domme and go the full distance, which I could never be comfortable with, but stick within limits I'm able to handle. It's silly really, because I told a dear friend of mine exactly that several months back, but I never saw it applying to myself as well.

I'm also not all indiscriminate about who I would want to please by "domming" them. Despite most of the people on my friends list being people I really like and care about, and who I've met in BDSM-related contexts, there are only 7 out of the 26 that I would be willing to "domme" if I knew they wanted me to.

I've also been thinking some about how far I could go to please someone by "domming" them. So far I've only kept those I "dommed" helpless and teased them with sexual pleasure and some denial, and that hasn't been any real problem for me. But I think my limit is where I would begin to feel some real discomfort or pain myself. I think, and partly know, I would be OK with pinching a nipple hard, giving a few playful swats on an ass-cheek, nipping a cock or clit lightly with my teeth, but hardly much beyond that. And if the one I was playing with showed any signs of real discomfort even before that, I would probably back off real quick.

I've also been pondering some on how I would respond if my owner or someone I saw as pure dom/me would request me to "domme" them. In one way it probably would feel strange, but on the other hand I know that the three best dom/mes I know both real-life and in Second Life at least occasionally switch. That doesn't affect my respect for them or make me see them as any less dominant when they've dominated me, even if I've only been dominated by two of them. Actually, my general impression is that the best dom/mes are the ones who have experience from the other side as well.

I think my main problem with domming my dom/me would be me being so eager to do my very best, despite being so inexperienced, that any slip would make me devastated. Not because I would be afraid of punishment for it but because those I truly submit to are people who I think really deserve the very best and then I don't want to fail them regardless of how I'm requested or given the chance to please them.

So, even if some probably would say I should give up my submissive tag and grab at least the switch tag, in my mind my identity is still as a submissive. But whenever I'm in the mood, and someone I care about in the right way is in need, I won't let that identity stop me from pleasing them in ways we both enjoy, directly or indirectly, just like a good little submissive always should be willing to do.

Rendezvous

This morning I met Sir M again for the first time since I "broke him in". I have been wanting to for a long time, but we have managed to pass each other by being AFK or busy. He had developed some since I first met him, obviously reading up on what is expected from a Master and taking on some own slaves. It was cute the way he almost apologized for the latter, but I would have been really surprised if a Master with his qualities had managed to stay solo over the time since I met him.

Even if I think Sir M would be better off if he followed his own mind instead of trying to fill some template for how a Master should be, he still had much of the lovely qualities I appreciated in him already the first time I met him. I really wanted to talk to him about his ways as a Master, but I think he's already too much of a Master to take lectures from a silly submissive with strange ideas, plus time didn't really permit it anyway.

Of course I managed to mess up a bit with Sir M during a light play session we had, and unfortunately we didn't have it all sorted out before I needed to leave, but I think that mess taught us both a bit more about each other and our expectations. Anyway, I really love the way he manages to combine that slightly tense feeling I usually get with strict Masters with the more relaxed feeling I usually only get with other girls. I will try not to build too high expectations before we have sorted everything out, but I really hope I will see more of him.

Before I met Sir M I also found some time to message some with my friend c. I was very happy to hear that she seemed better now than when I talked to her last. Hopefully she will get even better from her illness soon since I really felt so sorry for her when she was so ill and depressed as she was then. While I was with Sir M, my friend p also messaged me and I had a bit of a guilty conscience for cutting her short, but hopefully I can make it up to her.

The problems with meeting Sir M have made me realize my ease of connecting with people really becomes a problem when I work in a public place the way I do now. I meet so many new and nice people but then I get stressed and a guilty conscience by not finding time to maintain the connections I make at the level I think they deserve. Also, since my dearest friends are still mainly those I met at or around Sir R's place, I want to give them priority both for my own sake and for theirs. I guess I must learn to be more restrictive in making new friends and say no to befriending at least some even of those I like.

In the evening I chatted some with my friends P, c and p, plus had an overdose of wannabe jerk masters. The creep formerly known as Sir M is now off my friends list and muted, and there's another one standing in line waiting to cough in the wrong tone to get the same treatment. Jeeez, I sometimes am so blonde that platinum seems brunette when it comes to believing in people! I will hand back my keys and ownerships of restraints to my guardian M where I should have left them all to start with so I stop risking doing stupid things with stupid people.

Sunday and Monday

Sunday afternoon I was invited to Mistress C's castle and it was very nice to see her again. I also met her pet n, a very sweet and fun kitten girl with whom I connected well. We chatted some, and then Mistress C wanted some snapshots of herself and n, n and me, and finally herself and me. I think she really starts to see me as a potential family member, but even if I really like her and n, I'm still not sure if it's right for me when I feel I'm ready to commit again. I guess time will tell.

Mistress C and her pet n at their castle


When I later went to Sir R's playground, I found Sir R himself there. I decided to take the chance to ask him back on my friends list, where I lost him in the turmoil when Mistress W and I broke up. He accepted, but disappeared teleporting away, logging out or crashing before I managed to finish the befriending. But at least I know he's willing now, so hopefully I can catch him later to finish it.

n and me at Mistress C's castle


I also met Miss s "on duty" at Sir R's place, welcoming and helping visitors. I decided to kneel by her side, in one of my more provocative outfits including cuffs, gag and obedience belt, to make her look good with a pet by her side. Despite she's probably no more domme than I am, and tries to play with me solely to please me, I think I triggered something in her, because she wanted me on a leash and crawling after her like a dog. I complied willingly, and later she took me to another rather crowded playground for some public exposure and play. There we also met Miss m from my job by pure coincident I think. The lag was so bad though that she was gone before I managed to say hi to her, and soon Miss s had to leave for real-life as well, so I decided to go to bed.

Mistress C and me at her castle


Monday morning I spent some time at Sir R's place again, even if it was almost empty there. I messaged some with my friend c, who was really in a bad mood because of illness, and my attempts to cheer her up didn't help much I'm afraid. I spent the rest of the morning at my job and invited my friend k there, since she was as lonely and bored as I was without her Sir K. We looked around at some of the dungeons and play areas at my job, where she managed to get caught by her RLV relay, before she needed to leave for real life.

I stayed a while longer at my job and got the chance to help a couple of visitors out in explaining how RLV, relays and the play areas worked. I actually think my own lack of technical knowledge helps some in those situations, since I can't explain things any more complicated than what I can grasp myself. That seems to be appreciated by at least some visitors. Just before I decided to call it a morning and prepare for real-life work, I saw my guardian M come online, and I got the chance to say good morning to him before I left.

Monday evening I spent most of the time with my friend P talking about this and that. Firs we tried to help a common friend who had gotten herself locked up, but without much success. Our common friend s showed up as well but we parted when P needed to leave for sleep. Afterwards I messaged some with my friends d and p while I sat alone at Sir R's place. I also chatted some with a new slave who showed up there and ran into the girl P and I tried to help before. In the end I managed to show her how she could reset her cuffs to make them unlock, since she didn't seem to mind cheating like that.

Business and pleasure

The visit to Sir R's place this morning didn't give much. There were a few people there who were new to me, but non of them appealed to me enough to make me bother and try to greet them. I guess I got irritated yesterday with someone who automatically assumed I would submit to her just because I am submissive and she tried to play dominant. So the tags screaming "Master" and "Mistress" above the heads of two of the visitors discouraged me more than a little today.

It was calm when I came to my job as well, but visitors dropped by every now and then, and some of them turned out very nice to chat some with. One Mistress sported some belly jewelry that she wanted me to touch, and it turned out to be Xcite! compatible, but not before she also put her Xcite! clit on. After that her accompanying slave girl and I did our level best on the Mistress, caressing, kissing, licking and playing with her jewelry and belly until she peaked and I backed off to let her own slave finish her off with a multiple orgasm.

me in my new nisei oh designs latex outfit 09 Delicious at my job


Another somewhat odd couple with what I first didn't realize was a Mistress and a Chinese slave girl also came and asked me to show them some of the playgrounds. I took them to a shibari garden, and the Mistress wanted me to show on her slave how the RLV and relays worked. I tried to comply, but either the relay was set up wrong, or the slave didn't know how to handle it, because the devices never managed top grab the slave. In the end she put herself on the devices manually, and the Mistress requested I'd do the same.

me in my new nisei oh designs latex outfit 09 Delicious at my job


While I was hanging in a vulnerable shibari suspension, the Mistress went to work on me, but very gently with fingers and mouth. She really got me going good, and after some teasing she gave me permission to cum for her. I have to admit I faked it and let my Xcite! do all the cumming, which I also told her when she asked me. Still, it was a lovely experience, both exciting and relaxing at the same time, even if I wished I had known and trusted her enough to let her grab me by my relay to really have me under her control. But then again, afterwards she told me that she wanted to own me, so I guess it was for the best she didn't have that control. As it was now, she could do nothing but accept when I told her I was honored but not available.

me partly stripped and bound in my new nisei oh designs latex outfit 09 Delicious at my job


Before I left my job I messaged some with the manager, as she contacted me to tell me some about her activities away from job. I like her, and it feels good to have a contact that is a bit more than just professional with her. Another colleague, Miss M, also messaged me after I had already left, commenting that I as a new employee had managed to become the most tipped greeter and guide during May. I guess the simple explanation is that I've been there a lot, and have been lucky in meeting a few visitors who thought enough about me helping them to tip me generously.

Encounters

This morning I met my friend c in Second Life as she was waiting, hoping to see her Master. They've both had a tough time and their relationship has been tense for some time, which has meant c has been quite distressed. It is sometimes hard to find a balance between being there for her and not clinging onto her. The problems I've had myself lately has also meant I haven't always been as supportive or sensitive as I really should be. This morning I was very happy to see her Master come online to see her though, and I sneaked away as quickly and discretely as I could without being rude, to give c and him time alone.

I then went to Sir R's place and had some distraction trying out the new BDSM furniture and toys he had installed there since I last took time to look around properly inside his castle. Since I did a thorough job, it took quite some time before I was done, and I was tingling quite a bit from the experiences, despite much of it were items I had seen and even tried out before at other playgrounds, dungeons and shops. I also met a girl there who shared my interest in breast bondage, and we spent some time together talking while I demonstrated my own creations on that theme to her.

I really needed to log off to catch a few more hours of sleep real-life after that, but I was just too up in speed to be able to go back to bed, so I instead went to my Second Life job. I actually never clocked in there but just hung around the welcome area in hope of finding someone nice to talk to and relax a bit. There wasn't many there at that time of day, and I was just about to leave when I suddenly received notice someone had tipped me big-time. I was quite surprised since I hadn't done anything or talked to anyone, but I contacted the person who did the tipping to say thank you.

The tipper turned out to be someone I had just walked by in the welcome area a while earlier but hadn't wanted to bother since he seemed busy. I asked him about the tip and he said it was because he had found pleasure in reading my profile from the staff map on the wall. Even if I was really on my way back to bed real-life I decide to at least thank him in person so I returned to the welcome area and found him still there.

The tipper turned out to be a dominant male with a rather special avatar, resembling a young Marlon Brando but with a small body and an over-sized head. He was really extremely polite and pleasant, and I didn't mind answering his questions about neither the place nor me. Finally he asked me if I wanted to show him some of my favorite spots, and even if he made no secret about what he was up to, I really didn't mind since I felt very comfortable with him.

I took him to a shibari area, and he didn't really need to tell me to demonstrate the items there for him. He just asked me about what was my favorite, and off we were. It turned out he wasn't familiar or comfortable with the aids available, like RLV and relays, so I had to go back to old school and carry out the actions he described in his emotes for him. However, he turned out to be such a good emoter it never became really disturbing. Somewhere along the line I reached a stage where I wished he had taken real control over me though.

Our little "demonstration" lasted for almost two hours, and even if I must admit I might have felt a little bit obliged by his generous tipping to start with, I didn't regret it and would gladly have done it without any tip whatsoever, if I had known what was in store. When we parted he went back to the welcome area and paid another very generous tip to my jar there. I felt almost offended by it, but when I messaged him to tell him he said the tip wasn't for my services but just because he wanted to boost me to the highest tipped employee then.

It seems to be rare with good male emoters in Second Life, and this guy was really one of the best I've encountered so far. In fact the only ones I can think of measuring up to him regardless of gender is my former Mistress W, her girl Miss t, and Sir K who was once trained by Mistress W. Also, his very gentle and polite touch throughout, without making a caricature out of it, was unusual for a man, and I felt as comfortable and relaxed with him as I usually only do when girls play with me.

I probably engage a bit too much in those visitors I connect with at my job to be a really good greeter and guide, since it means I at least partly neglect other visitors. I also should become more selective in letting people come close to me and befriend me, and not let them do it just because they've managed to sweet-talk me once or even twice.

When I started out as greeter and guide, I was told I would not need to remain single for long unless I wanted to. I thought then there would be sleazeballs approaching me that would be easy to tell off, but I've realized now the problem is I'm connecting with so many seemingly nice persons it actually can become a burden to me. I don't want to give people any false expectations, but even if I try to be frank with them, I'm afraid many over-interpret my politeness and believe they are coming closer to me than they really are. Several, both visitors and staff, have told me they think I'm very sweet, but even if it's flattering it may become a problem in the end, with people being hurt because they feel I've mislead them with my responses.

Play and relaxation

This morning I spent at my job as greeter and guide. I also took the chance at chatting some with a number of my friends since nothing much happened. When I was done with that I started looking around the compound. There are lots of little BDSM playgrounds with even more BDSM furniture and toys. My intention was really to learn a bit more about the area but I tended to get stuck on a lot of those BDSM items trying them out.

Soon my colleague from yesterday, Miss m, showed up and showed an interest in my testing. She asked me to let her place me on some items that interested her using my relay. I did and when she left me stuck on one of them and pulled a bullwhip out I first thought she was just fooling around. When the first whiplash hit me I jumped more from surprise than from pain, but Miss m soon changed that. After whipping me both back and front she asked me to spread my thighs for one final lash.

Miss m preparing to whip me in ice dungeon at my job


I almost panicked then since my clit is very sensitive and started pleading with her. She reassured me she wasn't aiming for my little nub so I hesitantly spread my thighs and braced myself. The final lash just missed my clit but made my whole vulva explode in a ball of fire and pain. I almost collapsed after that when Miss m finally let me off the device she had trapped me on.

The relay play was a very strange feeling. When Miss m suddenly took away most of my abilities and stripped me with it I felt immensely vulnerable. If I hadn't known her some I think I would have really freaked from it. The whipping also was strange. I was excited enough to bear with it but not enough to be further excited from it. If Miss m had just touched or played me a bit softly as well I probably could have gone sky high from it but now it just left me in a kind of submissive limbo.

me and P in hogtie on her lovely rug


I came home rather early from my real-life work and spent the evening with my friends P and c, and a common friend of them. I joined P in a hogtie on her lovely rug, and then c and her friend suddenly started waving with whips and threatening P with them. But things calmed down after a while and I spent a relaxing evening with P after she and c had helped me with some security arrangements with my cuffs, so I couldn't be locked and left indefinitely by someone.

Another half day

I entered Second Life this morning at a time when there usually is quite a bit of action and people around. But none in my friends list was online and when I visited Sir R's place it was dead. Some visitor happened by just after I got there but I didn't really feel like being social with strangers, so after a few short exchanges with him I left for my new job as a greeter and guide in another BDSM sim. Maybe it was not the best of things to do in my mood but when I have a part to play, a function to fill, it still works for me. The BDSM sim was also almost empty. After clocking in and changing clothes to the lovely shibari dress I got as a gift a little while back, I started looking around the place a bit to learn my ways and the ropes since there weren't any visitors to take care of anyway.

I want to be able to help visitors and give them hints and recommendations what it's all about, so therefore I went sightseeing myself. The sim contains 1 mall, 2 clubs with different kink theme and 8 dungeons or BDSM playgrounds in various flavors. I got literally stuck in a display area at the mall with a lot of neat and sometimes really lovely BDSM furniture intended both for demonstration of the furniture, for visitors to try them out and for staff to be around offering their services as guinea pigs and hopefully receiving some tip for it. When I had tried out all the furniture on my own I returned to the landing zone and ran into a colleague there.

The colleague was a girl who seemed to have been there for a while. She gave me some hints about dos and don'ts, even if there don't seem to be any real rules about it. She also helped me setting my relay up so that people can grab me for use on BDSM furniture and similar but still not making me get stuck there forever. I really don't like the safeword option in the relay, but I see the sense in it since some visitors just take off and leave their victims captive. Even if I would be cheating using the safeword I also feel I have a responsibility to my employer. I don't do much good if I'm locked up in some dungeon forever and can't perform my intended duties, even if I get paid as long as I'm in the sim.

My colleague and I discussed some about relationships after the setup and slightly tingling testing of the relay on some of the furniture. I don't think I would have minded very much having her play with me a bit, since she seemed nice and admitted to being a switch, but I'm not ready to be collared by her or anyone else like she seemed to take for granted I will do as soon as I have gotten over the break with Mistress W. I have needs and I may seem sluttish about having them fulfilled, but I know it will still be some time before I can make a new commitment that does both a new owner and me justice.

I also messaged some with Sir I for the first time in several days. He seemed pre-occupied so he might have been helping out some friend with his tool-kit again. Even if I try to look sober on it I guess it hurt my trust in him more than a little with him expressing things in such a misleading way to me. Sir J at least was honest with me and told me he was busy on a slave hunt when I messaged with him last, and even if it may have made me a bit jealous I still appreciate his honesty.

Today has been another very late day at my real-life work and after sleeping just a few hours each of the previous nights I'm dead tired. I just replied to some messages from friends when I got home, before making this blog entry and after that I will head for bed.

Lots of Sunday

I started my day by being ordered up on the blocks at Sir R's place by my cute kitten friend m who was still locked there by herself. I am beginning to get used to decorating those blocks now and so are a few others I think. We soon got company by my friend s who was locked there for real and landed on the block I had positioned myself on. That meant I had to re-locate and did so jumping around and up onto the blocks still all locked up. Some others were hanging around, including my friends c, p and Miss t, and us three blondes up on the blocks were fooling around and joking quite a bit despite our gags making some things a bit incomprehensible.

For the second day in a row I then managed to lure a dominant, Sir J, up onto the blocks, even if he cheated not using any restraints. I've met Sir J one or two times before and he's maid a very pleasant impression on me. He's intelligent but doesn't brag about it, he's got a lovely humour and self-distance, plus he seems to really want to care for his subs. Today he mentioned having been a sub himself once briefly, so that may partly explain his caring. Last time I remember seeing him he was entertaining some subs by running in a giant hamster wheel intended for exercising subs.

Sir J was also fooling around a bit up on the blocks and "accidentally" touched me, probably to test my response. I really needed some attention and Sir J definitely isn't the worst alternative to get it from so I think he wasn't all disappointed with my response. He did me real good with his fingers while I was standing locked there and finally cum for him. I didn't even think about asking permission but he didn't seem to care about that.

When Sir J turned to play with s he suddenly disappeared, probably crashed. At the same time the company were dissolving with people teleporting away or logging off. Miss t sent m home and then took p back to her isolation in the sky dungeon from which she unwillingly had been freed before. s logged off and the others also disappeared. I was left alone and decided to free myself of my self-bondage just before first Sir J returned and then Mistress W showed up. Mistress W headed off and I excused myself with Sir J to at least catch up with her to get a hug.

Mistress W and I had a discussion then while she waited for her sub Miss t to return. I had told her before how I felt uncomfortable with finding myself nude and cuffed before her after we broke up and she had tried to respect that. We agreed that me being set up like that didn't mean we shouldn't greet and even hug and I was very happy about that because that is still more important to me than any discomfort from my situation.

When Miss t returned Mistress W took care of her while I returned to Sir J who had been patiently waiting for some 20 minutes. We continued to talk and chirp some until he had to say good night. A little bit later I had a much longer talk with Mistress W. Or rather I kept a long monologue where she threw in an occasional "smiles" and "nods" and I told her mostly things that she probably already knew better than I did but that I somehow needed to structure and phrase. Since she didn't protest too wildly I think we had some kind of agreement on most of the things I brought up. It feels like we are starting to leave the past behind now and like we can start working on the present situation and how to handle our friendship after the break and other things like that. All in all it was a good monologue that I think helped straighten out many things to me and hopefully let me start archiving them.

This afternoon I got into a discussion with one of the dommes who use to hang around Sir R's place. I didn't quite appreciate when she told me I must have a problem for being the way I am in my immersion in Second Life instead of embracing her way of limitless role-playing including executions of submissives and similar things. When I tried to explain my point of view to her she chose to dismiss me with explaining it was no use discussing with me since I only got upset. I found her "discussion technique" a rather interesting one, which I also told her but that she didn't bother to comment upon.

I finished the day on a happy note with spending some time nude in self-bondage on the lovely fur rug together with my friend P. She hadn't been online for several days and I missed her and was afraid I had done something that upset her. But she assured me that was not the case but that she had had a lot of real-life work. We talked a little about this and that and I brought her some of the gossip from the last few days including my actions.

A really full day

I actually spent almost the entire day in Second Life today. Very early in the morning I fooled around some at Sir R's place. Then my friend c turned up and we took off to one of her favourite places to just sit and talk for hours. A dominant friend of hers showed up and told us he had been treated in a way by a sub at Sir R's place so he didn't want to go back there for some time.

Strangely enough I ran into that very sub when I returned to Sir R's place after c had had to leave. There's not much domme in me but seeing that girl pissed me off so that I started giving her a good tongue-lashing and manhandling running on pure adrenalin. In one way I think I gave her what she wanted but the wicked revenge came when I just left her half done and probably quite frustrated. Still I have that sub to be a little grateful to because if it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have met Sir K who showed up after a late night shift. He seemed quite distant and preoccupied but I at least managed to squeeze two hugs out of him before we parted.

After that I just teleported around a bit between different places until I ran into a girl who had got caught in a trap at a BDSM store. I couldn't help but being a bit mischievous to her before I finally released her. I then discovered she was a Mistress, although with some switch tendencies, who owned 8 full sims. She invited me to what was to become her new home. It was a beautifully crafted palace, which she and a couple of her submissives were building. I was amazed both by the beautiful texturing and by the precision in everything built. I also discovered that the Mistress lived real-life in a neighbouring country in the same time zone as I do, which is rare.

The Mistress was very pleasant but quite busy so she left me with one of her submissives who were there building when we arrived. That girl was incredibly nice. We talked for hours about everything and anything. She also gave me a beautiful shibari dress as a sign of gratitude for me helping her Mistress out of the trap. Even if I have a bit of a bad conscience for keeping her so long from her work I still hope I will be able to see her again. She said she looked forward to that as well. After I left the beautiful palace I visited a couple of other places belonging to the Mistress, among them a beautiful shibari garden. I must admit I got quite excited from trying out the many wonderful devices there but it never became anything more of it.

I then visited Sir R's place again. There were some more people there now and I got a chance to demonstrate a somewhat elaborate ramp I had designed to help submissives get onto some slave blocks there. That way I also managed to lure up my first dominant on those blocks, even if it was without cuffs and other attire. I also joined another submissive on the blocks in self-bondage mostly out of boredom. But when a dominant came and started playing with me I couldn't help but immersing so I actually got some out of it.

After that two of my friends, m and Sir N, showed up there and we messed around some mostly for fun. However, when m snatched the keys from another sub and started playing with her things got a bit heated. That other sub threatened to kill m for it and both Sir N and I got quite upset about it. Fortunately I had to relog so I couldn't go through with my original very nasty plans on how to handle the situation but when I returned Sir N already had his whip out to teach the sub a lesson and I also drew a whip for the first time ever. Someone who obviously considered the sub hers tried to protect her but I told her that if it was her sub she better teach that slave some manners. When she promised to do that I decided to let it pass and so did Sir N.

After that Sir N, m and I just fooled around some. A poor oriental girl who showed up with a force remote controlled dildo got a rather tough time when first I and then Sir N took remotes for that dildo and had her stripping and doing herself in front of us. When Sir N was done with her, m and I put ourselves up on those blocks again in self-bondage and tried to tease Sir N to join us, but he chickened out.

me strapped in a hanging chair at Sir R's place


Before signing off I also ran into my friend p, who had been freed by some Master from an isolation she and Sir R had agreed upon, and she was quite upset about that. I tried to help her but really couldn't do much. Scouting around to see if I could help her back I discovered some quite nifty BDSM toys and furniture though. Especially a hanging chair balancing perfectly on the edge of cruelty and humiliation for me caught my attention and I just couldn't help but trying it out. As a finishing touch I found out my friend c had finally found her Master online and was with him when I called her. I was so very happy for her sake so it felt quite right to finish my day with that.

Mischief

This morning I took a tour to a bondage playground and pretty soon caught interest from two guys there. Both wanted to make friends with me but I told them the truth that I seldom befriend ion a first meet and try to keep my friends list for those who really are friends or show great potential to become. I really try to be polite when I tell people off like that but one of the guys really irritated the crap out of me when he stated: "I read your profile, and you seem interesting enough, that I may like to chat with you (or more) at some time in the future. I propose that you add me as a friend." Sorry but I'm not the desperate one around that block.

This evening started slow but I had a long and nice chat with my friend p up in the skybox where she is kept "isolated" by Sir R and I showed her the Xcite!-compatible breast bondage attachments I made. She was a bit distressed she had had to break off the ongoing RL self-bondage on demand session she had going because of illness but at least she seemed to not be so ill I really have to worry about her. It seemed like she at least found some pleasure in the instructions my guardian M had given her after he joined the group where she had arranged the session.

Later I got myself into a little bit of trouble at Sir R's place. I found one poor lonely sub left locked on the blocks there and before I knew it I had persuaded 3 more subs to join her and me in self-bondage on the blocks to keep her company. 2 more subs were there as well but they didn't want to join in but started playing with us tied subs on the blocks instead. I think I shocked some of the other subs slightly when I put on a couple of my more wicked breast bondages. But before things went too far out of hands the sim was about to restart so we had to part and leave.

I finished the evening with showing one of the girls from Sir R's place first some of my guardian M's creations at his gallery and then my own breast bondage creations. She seemed very interested in both M's and mine creations and wondered if they were on sale but seemed disappointed when I told her they weren't yet. That girl and I seem to have quite a few things in common regarding BDSM preferences so she might just become a new friend with time.

For once I thought about making snapshots of the scene at Sir R's place, with us five subs on the blocks and the other two teasing us. I even asked permission from the other subs to publish them on my blog. But Second Life was mean to me tonight and rezzed so slowly that those snapshots held so many unrezzed textures that they are more or less useless.

Restart

The last few weeks have been turmoil. I lost my beloved Mistress W, I lost friends and I lost footing in Second Life. All of it has been my own doing because of mistakes and errors I've done. More than once I've wondered why I stay in Second Life and just not leave. The answer is I still have friends here who I don't want to lose. But when I find myself hurting them and causing them grief by my actions and reactions time and time again the doubts about my justification in Second Life rises to the surface again. Last week I would have left if I had only known how to terminate my account. So I was "saved" by my own stupidity and pretty much the same kind of stupidity that caused all this to begin with.

I shut this blog down because of the event when I lost or rather threw my beloved Mistress W away. It was inevitable that I would lose her in the end but I wish I hadn't made it as ugly as I did. I hurt both her and so many others I cared for or even loved by the way I handled things. I spent the better part of a day sitting writing apologies to all those I knew I had done wrong when I realized what I had done and caused. Surprisingly many said they accepted my apologies and forgave me but to say it is one thing and to really do it in your heart is another. And I have no problems understanding and respecting those who haven't been able to forgive me for what I did. My friends map will require quite a bit of rewriting when all this has settled.

Now I have decided to try and give things a new start. I will try not to keep whining at what has been lost but to try to care for and enjoy those friends I still have left in Second Life. This blog will still be much about them, what their friendship brings me and hopefully what I can give them back. I decided to leave my last "old" entry even if it's all wrong now but because that was how I felt then.

A funny thing happened this morning. I faced some of my fears and re-visited Sir R's place that I believed was lost to me together with P and k to visit s who is locked up there. s and I teased P quite a bit about her being domme which is something the sweet submissive absolutely refuses to accept. After P and k left, I decided to join s in self-bondage to try and match her bondage mostly for the challenge of it. Suddenly s turned domme on me and even if it may seem silly with one helplessly tied girl ordering, teasing and tormenting another it somehow worked out in my head. I hadn't been dominated since I parted with Mistress W and I realized how much I missed and needed that. s has really great potential for being domme but she says she still prefers being sub. But at least she gave me a great experience with her little switching.

Role-playing

I use to say that I don't role-play in Second Life because I immerse in a way that makes much of what I experience as real to me as if it happened in real-life and my responses and reactions are the same as they would be in real-life. I guess it's not really true though because there are some differences between Second Life and real-life. There are things I permit myself in Second Life that my self-preservation instinct wouldn't in real-life and responses in Second Life I'm not sure would be the same in real-life.

My impression is that many in Second Life immerse at least to some extent and that many add an element of conscious role-play to enhance their experiences. Even if I may not always feel comfortable with how they role-play it's really none of my business how they go about it as long as it doesn't affect me negatively in ways I can't escape.

Theoretically I always have the option to escape things by logging off and/or re-logging with my Linden Labs standard viewer to undo or escape things I can't using my Restrained Life viewer. But in practice that option isn't open to me because it simply doesn't exist in my world. I've been forced to do it once and it was probably my worst experience so far in Second Life. I felt humiliated like a cheat and was both devastated and furious about the situation.

I guess most of the people I meet including those I love or care about role-play to at least some extent. As long as they don't do it so badly or exaggerate it so much it's not believable any longer I really don't care or try to analyze what is "real" and what is "faked". It may be that some of my girlfriends are really "gurls" (guys playing girls) but that doesn't matter much to me as long as their personalities are genuine enough for me and still as pleasant as what made me accept them as friends in the first place.

I may sometimes also enjoy people role-playing badly or exaggerated to a certain extent because of the intentional or accidental humor they provide. But in general I prefer the people that I feel are genuine whether that feeling is right or wrong. Most of the rest are simply uninteresting to me. I respect their way of role-playing though as long as they respect that I may not want to be involved in it.

Respect

People put different meanings into the simple word "respect". To me respect usually means to treat someone the way they deserve. Depending on situation I may show my respect to people in many different ways. I usually at least try to be civil with people as long as they have not shown they don't want or deserve that. With dominants I often also kneel before them and try to address them properly since many dominants expect it and I see no real reason to deny them that.

But that initial show of respect is really an invitation to the dominant to prove they also deserve my genuine respect. It doesn't take more than the dominant treating me in a civil way at least to start with. But many calling themselves dominants expect anyone calling themselves submissives to submit to and accept any kind of verbal or other abuse from them immediately. Even if I know there are submissives who like it like that those dominants are the ones that lose my respect because I don't feel they deserve it.

Even if I may continue to follow proper form being civil, kneeling and addressing them properly it just turns into a mechanical charade to me. If they are persistent I usually end up with simply ignoring them until they tire because they don't add anything to my experience.

It's actually only a small fraction of the dominants I meet that gets the cold shoulder from me like that. Most are pleasant and respect the fact that I'm owned and when I tell them I'm not up for play. Many of those who initially don't do it after I have politely explained it to them and some even apologize for the way they've behaved usually out of ignorance or lack of experience. That earns them respect as persons in my eyes not because they apologize but because they are grand enough to recognize they're not flawless despite calling themselves dominants.

In more than one case I've actually had long and pleasant chats even with dominants that started out the wrong way with me. Even if I perhaps shouldn't lecture them I think they may benefit from my hints by more easily earning the respect and trust from other submissives with preferences similar to mine in the future.

Birthday spankings

Miss T had her real-life birthday not long ago but for practical reasons it wasn't celebrated in Second Life until today. The celebration was the "traditional" for a submissive/slave with a sound birthday spanking for the birthday girl. It was actually the second birthday spanking this month since my friend P had her a while back as well but the settings were quite different. P received hers as an open hand spanking over the knee in a private place by friends who I think put more love than force into their strokes. I even managed to deliver my share of it without feeling too bad about bit. Miss T was put on public display at Sir R's place and got spanked by heavy paddles and whips by anyone passing by even if most of them were acquaintances of hers anyway. Even if I know she liked it that way I couldn't help but feeling sorry for her predicament.

I've never had a "real" birthday spanking save for a couple of private ones in real-life delivered with much care by the Masters I submitted to at those times. Even if I can enjoy quite a bit of pain when I'm hot the idea of birthday spankings from a lot of persons never appealed to me because to me a birthday is more for quite a different kind of celebrations with friends or topped off by a loving and private session with my partner. But if I had to chose between one like P had and one like Miss T had I'd definitely go for the former. If I'm really really hot I might desire it more like Miss T had it but that state of mind doesn't fit in a birthday for me.

The rest of the day was a really good one for me. I had a chance to see Master D again for the first time in ages even if our meeting was cut short before it really started by real-life interference on my end. Like so often I ended up in the same cage as P and a had a nice time with her and another slave even if it was disturbed a bit by a rather humorous session with Sir D. Later p showed up there as well. P really needs a bigger cage since it tends to become quite crowded with friends gate-crashing into it. But if nothing else it keeps her multitasking darling Sir D happy to have a lot of girls at his feet even if many of them really are more at the submissive P's feet than at his. I also had a brief run-in with what I believe may become a pleasant acquaintance or even friend before it was time for some real-life sleep.

After my real-life sleep I bumped into Sir K and k despite actually trying not to disturb them. But I don't regret it since it ended in a lovely session where Sir K used me as a kind of tool to almost drive poor k crazy. I've always been a sucker for hot wax both for light (candle at a distance) and heavy (candle close) play and Sir K really gave me my share. My beloved Mistress W found me time-locked and AFK after Sir K and k left for real-life and made sure I'd stay locked for the rest of this day and cutting into the next. But at least I got a chance to congratulate Miss T which my previous locking by Sir K had prevented me from doing. Then it was time for my real-life job and I was "released" with my breasts, tush and pussy out in the open and arms locked tight. Even if I still find it a bit embarrassing I really can't help but enjoying it as well when Mistress W is mischievous like that.

Collars

Maybe the heading for this entry should have been "Collared" because it's really about the collars I wear and that are locked by my beloved Mistress.

To many slaves and submissives the collar is a very important symbol of their status and belonging. My opinions on collars are a bit more complex. I have once had a collaring ceremony real-life and even if it was supposed to be a grand moment for me I really did it more because it pleased my Master than for my own sake. The collar in itself never had any great impact on me as an ownership symbol but was more a pleasant reminder and a convenient attachment point for a leash or other bondage.

In Second Life I wear two collars (usually) locked by my beloved Mistress. The probably most important one is an invisible OpenCollar with which my Mistress or the ones she chooses can control many aspects of my Second Life. To me it’s mostly both a convenience and sometimes an inconvenience. Since my Mistress has granted me secondary ownership to it I can use it both to change outfits conveniently and to visually perform services or assume poses using animations in the collar. I wore it like that as an unlocked attachment for some time before I begged my Mistress to lock it on me. Once locked it however prevents some attachments to find their spots and forces me to manually position them which is a task I truly hate sometimes. But I still enjoy the knowledge of my Mistress having the control over me the OpenCollar grants her even if she seldom uses it to its fullest.

The other collar I wear is a much visible RealRestraint Serious Shackles one. Originally it was just part of a full set of Serious Shackles I wore for play or when it pleased my Mistress. One day she just decided to keep the key to it instead of handing it back after play and I was and still am really happy with that decision. What really made the collar important to me though was when she put her name on it stating I was her girl. After that I always want to wear it and I do it with pride. It's not to brag about my belonging to her even if I have every right to be proud of that considering how highly appreciated and respected she is. It's really mainly because it shows she cares enough for me to put her name on me. I would have treasured wearing that collar just as much even if her name had been on the inside of it where only she and I would have known about it.

My Mistress every now and then checks the time I have worn that RealRestraint Collar and tells me how many hundreds of hours it has been locked on me. I have understood that to some submissives and slaves that is very important but to me the only importance is if it makes my Mistress happy. Even if I don't want it to come off it wouldn't bother me if those timers would be reset. The only reason I can see why I would like to have it off sometimes is when it interferes with other things I'd like to wear and that need that attachment point like e.g. my lovely RealRestraint shibari ropes. Otherwise I think the grim collar matches even e.g. elegant gowns well as a kind of counterpoint accessory.

I also love the simplicity of my Mistress' owner tag on that collar. Just a simple "W's girl" but even if I think part of its simplicity is because of textual limits it still says so much. I will probably never be a "slave" in the sense most people put into that word even if I once thought I wanted that. I doubt I even live up to the standards many people associate with the word "submissive" even if that is how I mostly regard and name myself, the latter to at least give people a hint of my leanings. But I definitely am my Mistress' girl and truly want to belong to her and be permitted to try and obey and please her to the best of my ability.

So even if collars in general has no great symbolic meaning to me those two locked on me by my Mistress really are important to me for various reasons. But her hold on me would be just as strong even without any symbolism and the control the collars grant her over me because of my love and respect for her.