Magic lost

Delayed post from Saturday, June 19, 2010, owing to Internet outage.

Immersion. Things unreal becoming your reality. Things in your head becoming so physical you can sense them, feel them, smell them, taste them, hear them. Imagination or hallucination? Dream or delusion?

Before, I couldn't stop from immersing in Second Life. What happened in-world made an as strong impact on me as if it had happened in real life. Things that scared me in real life scared me in Second Life. Things that made me uncomfortable in real life made me uncomfortable in Second Life as well.

Lately I feel that has started to change. When I've played with people, immersion has not come automatically, but I've had to try and suggest or force myself into it. And I haven't even really done it for my own sake, for my longing after that reality, but because I've wanted to please the ones I've played with, to give them the "full" me.

More than once it's felt more or less silly in the end, looking at a bunch of pixels supposed to resemble myself, shaped by graphical additions supposed to resemble ropes and cuffs, into something that would be exciting and desirable real-life. Yes, the excitement has been there, my fingers have been inside my panties even, but I haven't lived it the way I used to.

I try to tell myself that the change really isn't a change, but just depends on the circumstances lately. I'm not owned, I haven't found anyone worthy of my immersion and full submission, no-one with the personality or ways that sends me down into immersion and whirling out into subspace. Looking back, the immersion and submission I experienced before still feels real and not just some role-playing, and that gives me some hope. But I more and more doubt I will ever get back to that lovely and desirable state again.

Still, my needs are so strong that I can't stop trying at least. And my urge to please are strong enough to try my best to hide my disappointment and frustration every time I find myself looking at a mess of pixels instead of raveling in immersion and drifting in subspace. But when I stand back and look at it, I can't help but wondering how much longer I will find it worthwhile even trying, how much longer before Second Life turns into just some graphically glorified chat for me, a mean just to keep in touch with the few real friends I have here. And that is a sad thought, at least as long as the memories of something much more lingers.